OK, so how typical is the "Freeze, stop talking, and stomp off" thing? Every time I say something to Salinda that she doesn't want to hear she walks away immediately. Right in the middle of my sentence. I wish that I could blow it off, but it stresses me out so much to be treated with that much disrespect. Even if I prepare myself for it, for some reason it just pushes me to my anxiety limit to be in the middle of a conversation and have her think she can just walk away.
Does anyone else have daughters that do this? What do you do? Do you follow them and try to make them communicate (that has never gone well). Do you ignore it and try again later? Do you ignore it and not try later? Are you able to just blow it off?
She has decided that she hates being here and only wants to be at her friends house. Now I remember feeling that way as a teenage girl -- not the hate being home part, but the only being able to enjoy life if I was with my best friend part, so I am not too concerned about that. It's just that she has expectations that she thinks I'm going to fulfill and I would think that in exchange for those things -- though she is not nearly as demanding as some of my kids -- she could be respectful.
My biggest concern for her is that she has no inability to make herself do something. She owes us money as a result of her many bad choices, and she just can't get herself to pay it off. If she would work even an hour a day for me this summer she would have it done, but she can't force herself to do it. So her debt lingers on and every thing I try to do to motivate her has a reverse affect, so I've left it alone for a while. But we have a summer chart program that has been motivating the other kids fairly well, so I started to talk to her about it today. But when I mentioned her debt she shut down, stomped off, and walked away. She can't offer to negotiate or suggest an alternative or anything.
It is such a contrast to the character I have seen demonstrated by my other children lately. I don't know how to instill it in her. She is so intent on running away from her responsibilities and avoiding them one minute and then acting completely mature and responsible a little later.
Sigh.
4 comments:
My kids are not teens yet, thus I should not comment. But I will anyway, because maybe it's helpful. Or maybe not. What if she is not allowed to go to the friend's house until she has done a minimum of 1 hour's work per day? Or you could tie time with the friend to hours worked (1 hour worked = 1 hour with friend, or if that's too drastic, 1 hour worked = x hours with friend, but with limits). I'm sure YOU would like to slack off and "hang" with your friends too, but you don't do it until you make arrangements to get your work done...
Just my 2 cents.
Corey
I've actually thought of that and may have to do it. She did secure the lawn mowing job at our house this summer because she does the best job, so she should earn at least half of her debt back just doing that (half of everything she earns from us has to be applied to her debt).
She also has the possibility of this babysitting money too, so I guess we'll just see how it goes.
On the walkng away mid-conversation...I have one of those. Have you ever heard that song, "Ice, Ice, Baby"?
Stop, collaborate and listen, Ice is back for a brand new rendition. --wise words from Vanilla Ice
Really, I don't have any wise words.
Here is what I do after Tara walks away. Usually, I just tell her "You are walking away and I am still talking to you." Sometimes, that is enough to make her turn around and finish. If not, oh well. Then I ignore her. Sometimes a little later, when Tara decides she NOW wants to talk about it, I shut her down and walk away. Then I come back on MY terms and say, "I'm ready if you are."
I used to chase her but then I got all wound up and she was controlling the situation. This way I stay calm and in control. It isn't a cure, but it does help.
Oh no nononono!
If I had ever done that when my parents were speaking to me (at ANY age!) I wouldn't have been able to sit down for a week! LOL
Of course, that was before we ever knew you could call CPS on your parents--which I wouldn't have done anyway!
And just to be clear--we were never beaten or anything like that.
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