Never a Dull Moment

Upcoming Trainings in Minnesota

2012-02-01T10:20:00.003-06:00

The MN adopt Trainings are listed here.

And in addition I'm speaking in Mankato on Saturday and in St. Cloud on the 18th in case you hadn't heard. ;-)

He's Not Just Anyone...

2012-02-01T07:02:00.002-06:00

If you read the story in our local paper yesterday or if you saw our local news the night before or if you saw the picture on the internet, you might assume that the guy they were talking about in the most recent crime was a really horrible person. You might conclude that he must not have had good parents growing up and that he was mean and cruel and a psychopath.

You wouldn't know that he is a very gentle father. You wouldn't know that he is very loving and grateful to his parents. You wouldn't assume that he has parents who have loved him fiercely from the time he was eight years old and did everything they could to help him. You wouldn't know that the past month he has been a very good boyfriend, had found housing for himself, was working several days a week, and that his life looked like it was going to turn around.

You might assume, though the details of the crime spoke otherwise, that he had planned the event... that it was premeditated, and because he was caught first, he was the initiator. You might assume that he consciously knew what he was doing the entire time. And you would more than likely say to yourself in your mind, "I hope they throw the book at him."

You probably wouldn't guess that he was impulsive ...or considered that he might have been drunk or high. You wouldn't realize the he most likely was following someone else who was the mastermind behind the plan. You wouldn't ask if he possibly could have a brain that wasn't quite working right due to trauma as a young child.

As you read this you are probably thinking that I am defending him or trying to convince you that he shouldn't have to face legal consequences But that isn't my point. My point is that thought there are stories like this in the news every day, this time, he's not just anyone -- he's my son.

This song has been going through my mind ever since the crime happened, and here's why.

When we look from the outside in at newspaper articles, at news programs on TV, at jail rosters we have feelings that range from disgust to anger at these "losers" who are ruining our society. We can wish for serious legal consequences, not thinking about how they got where they are or how well they might have been doing.

But more than ever before I'm realizing that behind each of those faces on the jail roster website there is more than likely a mother, or other person, who loves them -- or at one point did before it got too difficult to bear. There may be years of neglect and abuse as children where society failed to protect them. They might be people who are homeless and mentally ill who can't get services because we as a society (and dare I say as a church) are failing them.

I know this post may not make everyone comfortable. But raising my kids has made me so much less judgmental of others and so much more compassionate ... because in every homeless young adult, I see one of my sons. In every inmate's eyes, I see the pain of one of my kids. In each pregnant teenager, I see my daughter. And I recognize that the people in those positions potentially have a host of people who have desperately and helplessly watched someone they love fall apart.

If you met my son, you would really like him. You would find him engaging, kind, and loving. You would see that he is a good conversationalist and likes people. You might not be able to understand why he did what he did, I don't know the answer to that either, but I pretty sure you'd think he was a nice guy had you known him before it happened. And you might be able to say, even though he is where he is, "he's not just anyone... he's my friend."

2012-01-31T06:50:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I was surrounded by my children... possibly because of what I wrote yesterday. Maybe God was giving me a chance to work on the redemption of relationship after what I posted yesterday.

Isaac spent seven hours with us and still feeling a bit less like himself because of his recent illness, was very cuddly and sweet. He charmed me for most of those hours, spending much of the last two on my lap. But everyone loves to be around him, so during the day, while the kids were home from school for staff inservice, they surrounded me and him doing the things they do.

I was also surrounded by phone and text from the girlfriends of the jailed ones and from Salinda who wanted to know what was going on. It was a long and hard day, but I was pleased with my ability to handle it. Things always go much better when I am able to break it down and take things one at a time.

So that's my goal for today as well. One step at a time, one issue at a time, until the day is over, enjoying the positive moments along the way.

Live near St. Cloud MN?

2012-01-30T18:19:00.002-06:00

Check this out. Come if you can.

It's Ready!!!

2012-01-30T16:33:00.002-06:00

My friend Brenda's new book is ready for download.

It's called Recovery from Hazardous Parenting: How to Reclaim Your Life After Raising Children with Behavior Disorders

I am looking forward to reading it. I think you should read it too. Brenda is a wonderful writer who has walked the walk!

Do It Now

2012-01-30T09:03:00.003-06:00

If there was one statement that hit home more than anything else at Refresh this weekend, it was one said by Debra Gray, author of Nurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience after Neglect and Trauma and Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents.

She was talking to an audience of people who were raising younger children adopted either internationally or from foster care. I don't have a direct quote, but the general idea that she was trying to get across was that if children do not attach to you when they are younger, there is no motivation for them to obey you when they are teenagers. And if you end up with teenagers who have no motivation to obey you, your lives are going to suck. Except she didn't say suck because it was a Christian conference. And she also didn't say suck because she is much more professional than I am and knows that you don't say suck on your blog or when you are speaking if you want to sell books. Which is why her books sell and mine take up space in Bart's walk-in closet... which actually is really fair because how many couples do you know that have a master bedroom with two closets and the guy gets the walk in ... just sayin ... but I digress. A lot.

Anyway her point is so valid. I am living with several semi-attached children. It is not because we made a choice NOT to put into practice what we learned -- it's simply that when our kids were under 12 we didn't know any of this stuff. There weren't books about how to help kids attach or recover from brain trauma. There weren't Ten Tips listed that you could read with just a click. And so we did what every well meaning person did and we attempted to parent our kids with love and logic and apply consequences. And the result is that we have at least one adult now who defines his younger years by saying he was punished for things he didn't do -- spending his childhood in his room. Of course, it's an exaggeration, but it is what he remembers.

I'm not one who spends a lot of time regretting. It's a fairly wasted emotion because there is nothing that I can do to undo the past. I can't change what has happened. But it became clear to me on Saturday that I can help to spread the message. I can be like the poster child for what not to do. I can use the hard lessons we have learned to explain to parents that it is worth doing the hard work now, so that your future will be a better one.

So when you read about being Playful, Loving, Attentive, Curious, Empathetic and how you need to spend lots of time loving on kids in spite of their behavior, you can conclude that that is way too much work -- that you don't have the emotional energy for it. Or you can look ahead and think about the future benefits of parenting that way and do it no matter how tired you are.

I don't know that things would be different if we had had all this information back then, but I do know that we would have more positive memories with some of our kids and I would feel better about what I had attempted to do. I don't beat myself up about it... no point in that ... but I do see areas where I failed.

I shared some tidbits about my family this weekend with the people at the Refresh conference. If I was superstitious I would conclude that I had jinxed it. I proudly told some women that we had one son who had stayed out of prison since August and then found out later he had just gone back in. And then Saturday I mentioned how well John had been doing, only to find out that that night he had been arrested on some pretty serious charges and for the first time in history both he and his brother are listed on the jail website together.

So... my words to you are pay attention to what you're being told about attachment. Learn about it and apply it. Learn to truly enjoy and love your kids, despite their behavior.

And one more thing that occurred to me today: Make sure that you do attachment work with your compliant children as well as the ones who act out. Ricardo is now couch surfing apparently, refusing to come home, and we are realizing that even though he has never caused any real problems and is very calm and compliant generally, that his attachment issues have to be much more severe than we realized.

I think that's enough and I don't have time to proof this today so if there are some serious typos just remember that I never said I was a great self-marketer!

More on REFRESH

2012-01-29T13:38:00.002-06:00

I only have about 25 minutes before I need to leave on the shuttle back to Mankato, but I wanted to take time to let you know just how amazing my day was yesterday.

I must confess (and those of you who read my blog and have for a while) that I have been running low on the passion department lately. I've been doing adoption work for 12 years now, and the last several months I have just been tired. Tired of the system, tired of the time it takes kids to end up in permanent homes, tired of families not getting support.

But going to Refresh renewed that passion -- the passion to find homes for kids who need parents. And meeting people like Andrew and Michele, hearing speakers like Deborah Grey and Ron Ruthruff, and meeting tons of parents like Tracy who has read my blog for years was amazing. Then there was seeing Karen, Karen, and Jeannie .... how fun was THAT ... and just being surrounded by people who were saying how much my words had impacted them -- the whole thing was overwhelming.

The evening ended with dinner out and a conversation with Johnston Moore and Andrew Schneider that was so thought provoking -- regarding the purpose of the church in regards to the orphan challenge. Got me really doing some serious thinking and I want to discuss that further on my blog in the weeks to come.

But now I need to go catch that shuttle and head back to reality. Sigh.

Next year's REFRESH conference is going to be on February 8-9th and rumor has it they are going to have me back -- and maybe even Bart too!

Great great event. I'm really glad I went.

Refresh: WOW

2012-01-29T07:50:00.001-06:00

Having to blog from my phone this morning. It's 5:50 and in moments I'm boarding my flight.

Just wanted to report that Refresh was beyond awesome and I'll be telling you more later ....

Hope Does Not Disappoint Us

2012-01-28T08:02:00.004-06:00

About 10 hours and I couldn't sleep any more! I was awake by 4:30 this time, which is 6:30 MN time and laid in bed another hour to think, which isn't always a good idea.

Mercedes is about to push me over the edge. I rarely ground anyone, but I decided it was necessary and she is refusing to be grounded. So I have got to figure out the next step. That got me going around and around the track in my head this morning.

I'm trying to switch gears now to decide exactly what I want to say in my keynote this afternoon. The conference is going to be made up primarily of Christians who have adopted over the past several years as part of the adoption and orphan care initiatives that many churches have started over the past ten years. I believe that they, like all of us, were fairly naive as to the kinds of behaviors and challenges that the kids would face and now, 4, 6, 8 years later life is HARD. This conference is to realign their thinking and to help them realize that they CAN do it. My keynote is called, "Hope, Humor and Healing: The Journey to a New Tomorrow" and I am feeling a lot of responsibility to do it well.

My dear friend Kari texted last night to let me know that she saw that Mike is back in jail (because she's like that -- creeping on the jail roster website). I had just told people last night that I was proud he hadn't been in since August. Maybe I jinxed it. I'm really hoping it is for a probation violation so it's only for the weekend and he can still hang in there and stay in school. But as he has said, how can he be expected to have a job, go to school, and follow probation without a place to live. And I know he expects us to provide that for him, but that's a line I won't cross. Financially we can't afford to get him a place and he can't live at our house. You who have followed my blog know that.

I don't blame him for being angry with me. But I'm not going to be angry with him. He didn't make the choices that were made for him before birth about how his brain would be developed. He didn't choose to be unattached to caregivers. It is now his lot to navigate that combination and our lot to do what we can without putting others in danger -- whether it is physical, financial, or emotional. But I'm grieving again this morning.

Isn't it interesting how grieving in adoption really doesn't stop? There is grieving when a child comes already walking and we know we've missed seeing those first steps. There is grieving when a 6 year old can't make friends in 1st grade. There's grieving when a 10 year old can't stay on a little league team. There's grief when middle schoolers are being typically torturous and won't stop bullying. There is grief when everyone else goes to dances, when their classmates graduate and they don't, when they are arrested, have children they can't take care of, and on and on and on.

But today my keynote is going to talk about the hope cycle that I have mentioned many times on my blog that comes from Romans Chapter five. I'm quoting from memory (yeah, too lazy to even google it), but says, "We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. But not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings. For we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us. For God has poured out His love in our hearts through the Holy Spirit He has given us."

That's what we have to hold on to. It's carried Bart and I so far... and it will carry us through.

So today, even though health-wise I am finally having to conclude that I am compromised, I am hoping and praying that today that message of hope -- not in me, or anything I have to say -- but in God -- will permeate each person there and send them home with the knowledge that they CAN and WILL survive.

Almost 6:30 -- time for bed!

2012-01-27T20:08:00.002-06:00

Today has been a LONG day.... Was up at 5:30 on the Shuttle by 6:20, at MSP by 8:15, on the plane by 10:30 ... very quick -- like five minute quick -- layover in Denver, and arrived about 2:45 Seattle time, which is 4:45 Minnesota time.

Had dinner with some amazing women who are doing an excellent job of raising tough kids. One is the author of this incredible blog.. Good stuff in there.

The second is the wife of Pastor Dan on this church staff and the other lives in Denver but knows one of my friends!

So we had a nice time together.... I'm way too tired to attend the conference tonight -- I'm learning to define a new normal for myself based on health issues -- so I'm going to be going to bed fairly soon. It's 8:30 at home, so I think I'll be in bed by 7 here. Typical of my trips to Seattle.

Hope that things are going well for all of you.... have had some insights but will wait until morning before I blog them.

Blame boingo

2012-01-27T09:29:00.001-06:00

At the airport waiting to fly to Seattle. Was going to write a long entry but boingo won't work so I don't have Internet and am thumb typing this into my iPhone.

Yesterday was a long day but I got done what I needed to and actually had some energy!

Anybody going to be at the conference in Redmond this weekend?

If Anyone in Minnesota is thinking of starting the adoption process...

2012-01-25T10:47:00.001-06:00

I have just scheduled another adoption training for Downey Side on March 2nd and 3rd. It transfers to any PPAI agency in the state so even people from other areas could come down to Owatonna and participate in the training. We usually have great conversations, learn lots, and have a good time.

So if you or anyone you know are thinking about starting the process to adopt a waiting child, have them call me!

Miss Me?

2012-01-25T07:21:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was nuts. I left at 6:45.. I drove to the Cities. I had meetings until 12:30. I drove to my office, having an important conversation on the way. I worked hard there for the full time I was there to finish a project that had to be put in the mail. I went to the post office and mailed it. I drove straight to the wrestling match here in our home town and spent exactly 3 hours and 4 minutes on bleachers so that I could see Ricardo and Leon wrestle for a total, between them, of 2 minutes and 35 seconds. They each won one by forfeit and then Ricardo pinned his guy in about a minute and a half and Leon was really going to beat his guy -- until he got disqualified because the other guy was injured in what apparently was an illegal move -- although Leon wasn't trying to do it. So I wasn't home all day.

After I got home Sadie apologized, taking us to the top of the teen attachment cycle ready for another round. (if you have teens that's a link to a pretty decent post I wrote. In fact, even if you don't have teens it's still a decent post.

Today I have a pretty full day as well to include a perm which I really need before I go to Seattle this weekend. By the way, Karen and Karen, you know who you are. You guys are NUTS for going all the way from Missouri to Seattle for that conference! But I hope it is really really good and you think it was worth the trip.

I need to go drive everyone this morning -- our neighbor, who usually takes some of the kids, is taking a vacation day.

Oh, and Salinda put Henry's car in the ditch on her way to class yesterday... that's newsworthy I guess -- but she was the only one in the vehicle and she is OK.

Oh, and I might be getting my hours cut in another job. Seems like Bart and I receive bad financial news almost daily lately. Good thing I'm one of those followers of the guy who "owns the cattle on a thousand hills, the wealth in every mine, the rivers, and the rocks and rills, the sun and stars that shine" -- anyone know that song?

Have a great day y'all.

in a Super Big Hurry....

2012-01-23T11:47:00.000-06:00

But this is where I'm going tomorrow. I'm sure there is still room for latecomers!

One step forward 5 steps back..

2012-01-23T11:36:00.003-06:00

If things start looking up, you may want to remember that they may not stay that way.

I have noticed that for my kids there seems to be a rule that if they make one step forward they will take three... four... five steps back. So if they are headed in the right direction then something will happen.

I spent part of my morning making a lot of headway into financial aid issues for one of my kids only to find out they skipped class this morning. And now I'm getting text messages about what a bad and unhelpful parent I am. Sigh.

I'm willing to do what I can to help my kids. But I have had to put boundaries as to what I can't do. It's sad that the only things that count seem to be the things we can't do.... they don't see the value in anything else.

Tough stuff. but we seem to keep going, one day at a time. And I refuse to allow myself to get bitter... I'm going to keep loving them, seeing the good I can in them, and moving forward if at all possible. So many parents get stuck in negativity.... i just can't let that happen.

This Little Piggy...

2012-01-22T17:38:00.002-06:00

Yesterday afternoon Gabby, Salinda, and her boyfriend's sister made the trip down to help Sadie and her friends with their hair and makeup. While we were waiting for finishing touches before pictures, Gabby wanted me to see that she had her toenails painted. Salinda then began to do the "this little piggy" rhyme with her toes.

Gabby then insisted on taking Salinda's socks off so she could return the favor. She could say piggy... and Weee Weee Weee. One of those precious moments.......

As Promised...

2012-01-22T17:34:00.002-06:00

To show off my beautiful daughter....

and my photoshopping abilities. ;-)

Jobs is a Sadie Hawkins kind of dance that we have here in our town... it was last night. Her date is a great kid -- very nice family. It appears they had fun!

37

2012-01-22T14:18:00.002-06:00

Over the last 3 days I have prepared 37 emails that I have sent out to a long list of families who are wanting to adopt.

It just so happens that these 37 emails are all boys. In fact, they are all boys ages 12-17.

I will be surprised if I get one response because that isn't who everyone wants to adopt.

Whenever I do this it makes me sad. So many of these guys won't find a home and will age out.

But I'm running out of ideas on how to convince people that they should do this.... even though I still think they should...

It Could Be Worse

2012-01-22T13:11:00.002-06:00

I find myself complaining a lot lately, and I'm not sure why exactly. My life seems a bit more difficult to navigage when I'm not feeling physically up to par, but I have to remind myself that things could be so much worse -- and they have been. I think maybe when they were REALLY bad I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't process them. And now they just slowly creep up one at a time, not in an overwhelming group... so I have time to dwell on them.

I was going to add some pictures here hoping they would make me feel better about my daughter who didn't even let us know she was home last night and refused to get up for church this morning, but someone seems to have stolen my digital card reader-- I htink this is the 5th one I've owned, so I can't even do that right now.

Hopefully I'll find it because she really is gorgeous and you'll like the pictures... maybe when she wakes up (It's 1:30 p.m. so possibly soon) she'll know where it is.

SIgh.

Adoptees Have Answers January Newsletter

2012-01-20T09:35:00.001-06:00

Can be found here.

Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Beginning to My Day

2012-01-20T08:33:00.003-06:00

If you've ever read the book about Alexander you'll know that happened to him in the book was that horrible, just a bunch of little things.

So... here are my little things.

I woke up a bit later than typical because I was going to go to the Y later, but that made things a bit off for everyone. Wilson decided to ask for a ride to school for the first time this year, but waiting until later to tell me and so i had to quickly budget in that time for the morning. Tony argued about shower times incessantly, including many bad words hurled in my direction. Dominyk was threatening not to go to school. My earbuds and my water bottle, necessities for the Y were locked in my office but the keys were already out warming up the van. Sadie returned my space heater, not to where she borrowed it from, but to my room, so my office is freezing.

On the way to school I slid down a hill, ran over a curb, and almost hit a brick wall. Kari texted me saying she wasn't going to go to the Y even though I had my bag packed and ready (minus water bottle and earbuds. Roads were horrible so I decided just to come back home.

It's still snowing, I'm not showered, my office is a disaster, I don't feel well, and the yummy yogurt that I thought I was eating for 14 carbs did that thing where they said that the container had two servings in it so I spent 28 carbs before I knew it.

I am not feeling very motivated nor very inspired.

Yesterday was a bit better day I guess. Had lunch with one of our children who doesn't live at home who tried his best to push my buttons, but I found that if I ignored his attempts to make me feel bad and just moved on, he would keep going and find something new to say. I was emotionally exhuasted and had several craters in my tongue by the time it was over, but I succeeded in surviving a meal with him without making him angry.

Last night we went to see Joyful Noise and enjoyed it despite it's bad reviews. The music is awesome.

Hopefully I will be able to overcome the lousy beginning of my day today and make some progress.....

Reliving the Painful Past

2012-01-19T10:42:00.000-06:00

Mike needed a couple of documents for financial aid that required me to get out the file called "Mike - Legal." It's a very unpleasant file filled with sad memories. I try to stay away from the file because it reminds me of how it feels to sit in a hearing where as parents we had to "admit or deny" that our child was in need of "protection or services." It reminds me of the way the judge would look at us and the way that Mike would send hateful glances our way. It reminds me of how horrible it felt to knew that the only way we could keep him safe (because he ran away all the time) was to try to get him help in a more secure environment.

If you ask Mike today about his teenage years he will tell you "my parents locked me up for my entire adolescence." That is how he remembers it. It was actually a total of 20 months, but facts don't matter when he is recalling his own memories. He insists that his legal trouble as an adult is a result of being institutionalized to the point that the only place he felt comfortable was jail.

It was not a good time in our lives. If I had known then what I do now, I might not have done it the way we did. We anticipated that our county would be less accusatory and more helpful. We anticipated that "treatment facilities" would be able to be helpful instead of punitive (At one point our son with RAD and FASD was three days away from hitting level three and coming on a home visit when he impulsively saw a bottle of conditioner in a staff members office and took it. He then lost a level and when became frustrated by that was placed back at level zero, where it would require him 3 months to get back to level 3).

I wish we didn't have the file.. because it tells a nasty story. But it is part of our story. And today we are going to have lunch with Mike and give him the papers he needs and I am sure that he is going to become angry all over again and I won't blame him. I had the same response.

Today we have two kids who our therapist says would be in residential treatment if they were living in anyone else's home. However, they stay home, and they don't run away, so we try to ignore the behaviors that we can and take things one day at a time. Their files -- though full of detention slips, suspension letters, and other things demonstrating their severe disabilities, they don't have files marked "Legal." I'm not sure that it will change their destinies, but it will change the way we feel when we look back at the files and hopefully, though our present is challenging, will not be ones that cause us to relive as much pain.

Tips for Raising Hurt Kids with Deena Mcmahon

2012-01-18T10:13:00.001-06:00

Last Chance to Register for “Tough Questions, No Easy Answers: Tips for Raising Hurt Kids” with Deena McMahon, MSW, LICSW in collaboration with Children’s Home Society & Family Services

Presentation: Please join Deena McMahon as she shares affirmations and practical suggestions about how to care for children who have been hurt and how parents can provide a safe and calm environment for these children in a home. This presentation will also address sibling conflict, parental ambivalence, relationship stress, grief and loss issues and of course, some of the challenging behaviors that children present. See attached flyer for more information.

When: Monday, January 23, 2012 from 6:30 PM to 8:30 PM (CST)

Where: Children’s Home Society & Family Services
1605 Eustis Avenue
St. Paul, MN 55108

Fee: $20 per person; $35 per couple
CEUs are available for an additional $30. Certificates of Attendance will be distributed following the presentation.

To Register: Please go to http://www.mnadopt.org/calendar.php to register online.

People Near Mankato... am I worth 7 bucks?

2012-01-18T09:32:00.001-06:00

Crossview Covenant on February 4th.

Details here.

Spiritual Warfare

2012-01-18T06:54:00.003-06:00

It has crossed my mind a few times -- though I'm sure it's not very "United Methodist" of me -- that possibly, as a commenter shared, we might be facing some kind of spiritual warfare situation in our family. The past several months have seemed kind of tough.

Interestingly enough, though, the events that have transpired have not been nearly as stressful as some other periods of our lives. However, I'm finding that with my health issues, I have less ability to deal with them.

Yesterday, I rescheduled an appointment and just went back to bed. I still put in over 8 hours of work, but in the morning I slept a while because I was feeling so exhausted.

So maybe the combination leads us to be tempted to give the enemy the upper hand, but so far we are still hanging in there. And it could be that I'm not sharing everything positive because I'm so wrapped up in the negative. So let me try to be positive in the 5 minutes I have remaining:

Bart's health had a big turnaround the past 2 months when he was prescribed a new medication that is making him feel so much better. In fact, he says he hasn't felt this good physically in years. It's great to see him so energetic!

My BFF (doesn't stand for what you think it does) let me borrow her husband again (doesn't stand for what you think it does) and he finished tiling our laundry room floor and walls. It looks awesome!

Mike, Courtney and Salinda are all in college -- at least they were the last time I checked. This is a huge accomplishment for each of them.

I have been able to throw away a LOT of paper (to make room for more paper). That feels good.

My hours being cut is giving me more time to recover and relax. Still working 40+ but it beats 60+.

So maybe my life isn't what's so negative -- but simply my view of it.

I need to get myself in gear!

Blogging Crabby

2012-01-17T07:03:00.002-06:00

I am really feeling quite crabby last night. reasons why:

1) I have several kids who are having a hard time getting up this morning. Because they make stupid sleeping choices when they go to a friend's house and then they can't get up. Or because they sneak off and nap during the day when I'm getting stuff done so they aren't tired at night. By the time kids are 16 they should be working. Just sayin.

2) Physically i don't feel well. Even after going to the Y at 5 a.m... and that is unusual.

3) I started a project yesterday in my office and got half done and now it's a horrible mess. Things are everywhere and I don't have time to finish the project. Annoying to myself.

4) I have an endless day scheduled and one of our unbloggable situations has us full of anxiety this week and when I'm feeling anxious I like to be near Bart, not out of town where I can't talk to him.

5) Some days I'm just crabby. Today is one of them.

But one of the nice things about being me is that my crabby moods don't last that long..

I just can't keep up with it all..... but I'm trying!

2012-01-16T10:54:00.002-06:00

yesterday we had great services in the morning and then a wonderful family dinner afterwards. The seven (yes, seven, first time since 1999) that are currently living at home were there plus John, Courtney and Isaac. We had Isaac down at our end of the table and it was really really fun. He is just the cutest baby in the world. Have I mentioned that?

Then I read a book. yes, I read a novel. Fiction. Believe it?

At night Bart and I were able to have a nice dinner out alone together talking about a couple of unbloggable situations. It was great to spend time with him.

This morning has been a series of stupid things one after another. I am getting worn out...

Maybe this afternoon I'll transfer some files. It's something I've been needing to do...

Hope everyone is enjoying their day off -- if this is one.

Zero Kids Waiting January 2012

2012-01-14T10:15:00.002-06:00

Always good stuff in here.

I wish there was some way that I could convince many more people that providing a home for a teenager was a good idea....

Maybe my blog is working against that whole idea.... but I'm still plotting as to how we can do it again. I still think a 16 or 17 year old might not be a bad idea, if I can get a couple kids here more stable. They've been doing better lately.

Or maybe we should return to fostering? That way they don't know they are getting "adopted" but we can do it in our hearts and eventually who knows.... but they wouldn't have to play the "I don't want to get adopted" game.

Anyone who reads my blog fostering teen boys? How is that these days?

Friday was a long day....

2012-01-14T09:27:00.002-06:00

Up at 6, out of the house by 6:30, arrived to teach at 8:30. Taught 9-4. Immediately came home. Got home at 6:15. Peed. Left at 6:20 to the staff Holiday Party that Bart and I host for the church. Got home at 9. Went to bed very tired.

Yesterday was a good day, focusing on Daniel Hughes and his Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, which is Attachment Focused Treatment for Childhood Trauma and Abuse. I can see how his therapy is effective, though it is confrontational and is hard work. His practice involves him as a therapist incorporating PLAYFULNESS * LOVE * ACCEPTANCE * CURIOSITY * EMPATHY. And he then asks parents to practice the same thing.

We watched three of his sessions and it is obvious that at least during the sessions progress was made -- even in one segment where he made some progress with an 11 year old girl who did not say one word for the first 45 minutes of the hour session.

Sometimes I wonder if things would have turned out differently for a couple of our kids if we would have had therapy like this back when they were kids. It kind of makes me sad that we didn't. :-(

Has anyone else had experience with a therapist who uses DDP?

It's the Drama that Never Ends....

2012-01-12T10:53:00.004-06:00

Yesterday I had agreed to help out my older kids by:

1.Babysitting Gabby for a plasma appointment;

2. Setting up a Meeting for Salinda at the local college so she could start school in February;

3. Babysitting Isaac while Courtney was in class;

4. Finding paperwork Mike needed for financial aid and meeting with him; and

5. Giving Mike rides to classes.

Mid morning I texted Salinda who was with Gabby and Henry in Hutchinson and hadn't come back asking if I was going to be babysitting or not. She texted back, "No, but I'm on my way back there soon. An hour later she texted saying, "so I started college up here today." I texted back, "oh." She came, got some of her stuff, had some supper with us, and left again. Apparently she is staying with a friend.

Mike didn't need a ride after all and cancelled our meeting though I did find the stuff.

And I took care of Isaac. Courtney came between classes and so now our home is not only a day care but a library because she did homework while she was there. Isaac (on her watch) got into the dogs water and was completely soaked so he had to wear Gabby's pink pants and flowered shirt for a while. Think he's damaged for life? He was just adorable and fell asleep on my lap. Nothing beats that.

And so another day came and went. I think we had a couple of really crazy ideas when we started adopting. The first is that the kids would be grateful. The second is that they would need us less after they turned 18. It's actually turning out to be the opposite. Suddenly after 18 most of them are deciding that they do love us and can trust us and we are busier than ever being parents and grandparents.

The interesting thing is that if I reframe this and see how the kids need a lot more time to mature and heal, I'm actually able to enjoy the time that I have with them!

This morning... x 2

2012-01-11T07:05:00.002-06:00

Yesterday happened and we made it through. I had Isaac for several hours, Tony was home suspended to he helped with him, we had dinner together Tony and Dominyk were in full blown "Jerk" mode -- just trying their hardest to be the most awful. Bart never lets things get to that point because he can't stand it, but I've found intervening does very little good so I try to ignore it, but I didn't do a very good job of it last night. So we endured the evening.

Then this morning I got up and a lot of very weird things happened. I woke everyone up, they started to get ready and then strange things started to occur. I couldn't find my clothes. I ended up having to ride my bike up to Bethany (local collete) to find something I'd left there, and I fell off a wall. I came back to find the kids not cooperating at all and refusing to go to school. Ricardo came home and said nothing... as if he had not been gone at all but wanted us to pay for a bunch of wrestling stuff for him.

And then I woke up. ANd I had to do it all again. Although i wish Ricky was back, he isn't... and everyone else is pretty much behaving like the dream, except I have found my clothes, my bike (which is broken anyway) will not be going to Bethany, and hopefully we'll get these kids off to school so I can go to the Y.

I have dreams like this often. Do any of you? They are very discouraging because the mornings around here can be daunting and when I've lived through one before I even get up it makes for a long day.

Well Look at This Would You

2012-01-10T20:47:00.002-06:00

Interesting huh? The Child Injury Law people have decided that my blog is one of the Ten Great Websites For Children Facing Difficulties With Adoption Or Foster Care System
.

Slow, Slow, Slow

2012-01-10T08:05:00.002-06:00

I'm finding myself having to take things slower and deliberately think about things that used to be kind of on auto-pilot. My brain has always allowed me to multitask quite a bit and I have never had too much trouble keeping lots going at a time. But lately, i have to make myself think about every step or I make very careless errors. It's annoying.

No word from Ricardo or the family he "moved in with." I really don't understand that kind of mentality -- people who want to have an extra mouth to feed without hearing the whole story. When Ivan lived with us we had more than one conversation with his mom about it to make sure it was helpful to her and what she wanted. Ricardo is there to avoid the discipline, rules, and expectations of our family and the consequences of his previous actions. He skipped a class yesterday ... something he has done here, but not without consequence.

Funny thing is, I miss the kid. Other kids who have stormed out of here have left after being so awful for so long, that when they finally were gone it was a huge relief. Ricardo isn't like that. He's pretty compliant and good to have around. I worry about him too, because he is really naive!

Mike started school yesterday without needing help from me. Courtney did as well. Salinda and Gabby went to spend some time with Henry. Often they don't return, but hopefully they will.

See why I have to take things slowly? Otherwise I can't keep up with the ever changing drama. I had been to see our therapist Thursday with Sadie and yesterday I went with Leon and Wilson. I gave her hte family update and she said, "That all happened since Thursday????"

Adoption Resources of Wisconsin Newsletter - January 2012

2012-01-09T13:46:00.000-06:00

Can be found here.

Just Ten Minutes...

2012-01-09T07:38:00.002-06:00

I have ten minutes to update you on my life And then I'm off for a full day of running here and there.

OK. Sadie had a good week and I was very pleased with her until the weekend, and the little things are starting up again -- not doing dishes, not waking up on time, etc. etc. I'm hoping the big things don't start as well.

Ricardo (18) decided to sneak out on Saturday night to meet the new just-turned-15-year old girlfriend to go to a movie. I felt that her mother should know about this (we've been connected with this family since back in the Salinda stole our car days when she was 15). He came home (sneaking back in) but by 3:00 a.m. the girl was texting Salinda asking her if she could break up with Ricardo for her. Ha.

So Ricardo gets up this morning and I told him what i thought were reasonable consequences. Before he could leave the house again or watch TV he needed to work off there hours of his debt for the car accident. I also told him if he did it again (sneak out for hours) that I would have him move his stuff into the basement with the other kids over 18.

He moved out in a huff with some people he has been threatening to move in with for months. They have sworn they won't let him do it -- so maybe it won't last long -- but he's gone. And it's a very bad move on his part. He's only a junior in H.S. and i'm not sure why they would want to take on financial responsibility for him. He has no job, refuses to get one, etc. etc. And he's so stubborn that he is going to learn the hard way.

In the meantime, Mike is supposed to start college today and he is homeless once again. It is so hard for me not to offer him a place here, but anyone who has followed our story knows that that just is a bad idea every time. But I'm supposed to give him a ride this morning -- if he texts me -- and help him get some school supplies. He is storing his stuff in Bart's office -- which we arranged for last night.

It's so ironic that Ricardo is giving up security on the same day Mike would love to have it.

My husband is coming home today and I am going to be very happy to see him. He is only home tonight and leaves tomorrow. I did several things to please him while he was gone though so hopefully he will be pleased.

OK. I'm heading off to take kids to therapy and college. By the way Courtney, John's girlfriend and Isaac's mom, starts college today as well.

I am not sure Sadie even got up for school, but with her GPA the way it is, I am pretty sure the only thing she really misses out on is the social piece. I absolutely cannot comprehend how anyone can get grades as low as some of my kids. I would have had to try my hardest to answer things wrong to come up with those grades.

But apparently I'm weird and not like everyone else.

According to my blog records

2012-01-08T18:22:00.001-06:00

I had an empty email in box in January of 2009 and haven't since. Because I always blog it when I do. That's three years.

But I am caught up for the moment! :-)

It's What They Do

2012-01-08T08:21:00.002-06:00

Really? Because it isn't what I did.

Apparently I was an usual teenager. I told my parents the truth. I was where I said I was going to be. I worked two jobs, went to school, got As and Bs, saved money for college. The friends I chose were good ones. I knew if I never had my first ... cig, drink, pill, or joint that I would never get addicted so I didn't have one. I knew that saving myself sexually for marriage was the best choice, so I did it. i got along well with my parents, my siblings (well for the most part, they WERE my brothers), and most friends. I was involved in my youth group. I had Christian friends at school. I viewed high school as a stepping stone for life and knew that if I did what I was supposed to there, I could get to college where real life began.

But as I said, folks are telling me that wasn't typical. "Typical teenagers" sneak out. They lie to their parents. They have to experiment with all the bad stuff just to see what it's like. They do things specifically because their parents tell them not to.

So if I have seven of them living in my house, then my life is going to include that stuff and I need to get used to it.

And young adults -- what do they do? They ignore their parents until they need something for the most part. They ask for money, they take advantage of their parents, and they are short sited. Their lives are very small and they focus only on themselves.

And so if I have 5 of those, I can expect them to be doing that stuff as well.

And kids with kids? They ask their moms questions. They have needs that they can't meet for kids and they want grandparents to do something about that. They need free babysitting.

And so if I have 2 of those, I can expect that as well.

So it's no wonder that as the kids get older I'm getting busier. By the time they are all grown I will be holding the record for the most texts received by a 53 year old woman. Guaranteed.

Yesterday I Saw Glimpses of Me

2012-01-07T08:34:00.002-06:00

After my morning responsibilities I headed to a meeting with families, made several phone calls, and heard good news. A lot of the situations at work that were "stuck" (and if you work in the Child Welfare System you know what I mean) got unstuck and I was able to deliver good news. I felt somewhat energetic and alive.

Headed home to pick up Sadie for "pie" -- one of the things we often do together, but got a call from school saying that Tony had gotten into a fight so I had to go into the school and have an unpleasant meeting with the Asst. Principal who is slowly becoming more than an acquaintance (as in we see each other too much for that, not as in potential lover material). Geez I should not have said that, but my filter is a little off and this is my blog and in it I don't represent anyone but myself so maybe just this once I'll cross a line and ... well, let's just say it's Saturday and most of you don't even read my blog on Saturdays so maybe nobody in cyber space will even see that I made an inappropriate comment. It may just sit here unread for centuries to come. I was going to say Millenia to come but I don't know how to spell it and I"m too lazy to google it).

So anyway, I digress. Had a meeting which wasn't horribly unpleasant even though Tony was attempting to make it so and we went out for pie. When I got home I had the wildest couple hours ever. Courtney and John came for dinner with Isaac -- they each have interviews next week for new jobs and Courtney has started college. I was texting Mike frantically about his financial aid and some paperwork I need to find for him so he can start school on Monday. Tony was arguing with me incessantly about going out when he is suspended and I wasn't about to be bullied, resulting in some unpleasant situations that I won't bother to blog about. Dominyk was obsessing about wanting money when he doesn't have any, and again I wasn't going to be badgered into complying. Sometimes we do that to shut him up and I see that that has not been a good thing. That doesn't mean that if we never gave in he would be able to shut up, but I feel better about myself when I stand ground. I was also having a lenghty text conversation with someone about one of our unbloggable situations.

Dinner was a crazy time -- everyone was here for the first time in I don't know how long (except Bart of course who is enjoying chilly but a bit warmer than here Florida). Everyone was kind of manic around here and the testosterone in the air was almost visible.

Fortunately after dinner several people had plans and cleared out but not before Mike, kari's husband, came over to work on a project to surprise Bart who also never reads my blog so this won't give it away. WHen he arrived John suggested maybe it was my booty call when Bart's out of town -- but if you saw Mike's new beard you would know THAT ain't true. ;-)

So... I dealt with all that stuff, plus put in several hours of work day and night, got a ton or projects finished and slept really well.

I have been feeling so crappy the last few months that I've been dragging my butt around her like a 300 pound 90 year old, which I've never seen, but trust me, that is what I was like. So it's nice to have myself back, even if it were just for a day.

Who knows, maybe I'm making a come back!!!

:-)

2012-01-06T07:24:00.004-06:00

Today's schedule involves me going to the Y after taking Jimmy to work, getting everyone up and off to school... and then going to a meeting and then to my office, so I won't be back online for several hours. So if I don't remember to blog anything then don't panic that I'm dead.

More than likely I won't be.

MNAdopt January 2012 Training Schedule

2012-01-05T11:12:00.003-06:00

You can find that here.

MOFAS January Newsletter

2012-01-05T11:12:00.002-06:00

From the Minnesota Organization on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, a newsletter for January.

Days Start Well This Way

2012-01-05T06:39:00.002-06:00

I really love going to the Y at five. I know this sounds nuts to a lot of people, but it really helps my day start well. I work out and shower there and am home with some time to blog before I wake the kids up.

But i have realized the past few months, that it isn't very sustainable for me to go every day when I have health issues. So I am changing up my routine a little bit and Kari is willing to do so as well (actually I'm sure she's pretty happy I've finally realize there is another time of day one can go to the Y).

So on days that I have morning meetings I go at 5. On days that I don't, I go at 8. It seems this makes it a little more reasonable over the long hall. Yesterday I had one of the most productive days I have had in months and it started with me at the Y by 8 and home by 9:30. I sat and worked until 5:30 without standing up except to go to the bathroom and then had a home visit after supper. I was really pleased with how much I got done and if I can keep going today I may just get to a point where I feel sort of caught up with work. That would be a relief because there are some things I wanted to do around here to surprise Bart when he gets home on Monday.

My daughters both had a really good night last night (in my opinion of good). Salinda and Gabby and I spent some time together that was really good -- just talking and hanging out. She is talking about going to college here and has decided for sure not to go to school up near her boyfriends parents. That whole scene is not a good one but she needs to come to her own decisions or they won't stick. Salinda did dishes without complaining. Sadie was home for the second night in a row doing HOMEWORK.

I'm feeling much better now that I'm trying to eat better and have been going back to the Y. It's amazing how just a couple weeks can make such a difference. If you want to join the weight loss journey and share progress, that can be done on my Shrinking Slob blog.

There are still unbloggable things going on -- but none of them, in case you are worried, are catastrophic.

if you have challenge with health...

2012-01-04T11:57:00.001-06:00

I'm trying to keep up with what I'm doing on my "shrinking slob" blog which I just updated.

Big News :-)

2012-01-04T09:57:00.003-06:00

I was thrilled to see this morning that I have been given a blogging award by "Looney Tunes" or LT. I have linked to her before and while I don't know her personally and we have never spoken, I have a great deal of respect for her. Her blog stirs up tons of emotions but I need to read it. I need her to keep me real, to keep me careful about how I talk about my kids, and to keep my passion fueled to continue to work tirelessly to find homes for kids before they age out of foster care and find themselves in her situation.

Many times I have wished that I could offer her my family as hers. However, I have recently come to an interesting conclusion. At this time we should not adopt again. In the fall, when we inquired on the 16 year old and were not chosen, I forced myself to take a close look at myself and our family and to realize that we are probably not a good therapeutic place for healing at this time. Tony and Dominyk are so volatile and Rand and Jimmy both still engaged in creating and maintaining loud conflict with them, that this no place for anyone who has anxiety issues, PTSD, attachment disorder, or any of the other diagnosis that kids in care have. The drama of our older kids and their kids sucks up our emotional energy to the point we don't have much more to give. I hate to get to this point, but we're here, and it's just the way it is.

But back to LT. She is an amazingly articulate writer. Her blog is well done, always complete with pictures that graphically (or sometimes humorously) illustrate her points. She is beyond intelligent and insightful and I'm sure she doesn't realize the extent of her contribution to the world of foster care and adoption... but in my opinion it's invaluable.

I am beyond honored that she feels my blog is worthy of an award. I may or may not have time to pass the award on to others, but I am highly affirmed that someone who has been there has read through what Bart calls my "barf on a page" and personally finds it to be worth recommending to others.

Thanks, LT. Your bravery astounds me. Even though I never join the hosts of those who comment on your blog, I read every entry. Thanks for keeping me real.

I've gotten a bit lost...

2012-01-04T07:03:00.003-06:00

Bart left town and I got lost in all of the things that need to happen around here.

So ... I forgot to blog.

On Monday I started to be very thorough, updating my Baby Steps Out blog (which some of you might be ready to start now that it is the new year) and even my weight loss blog Steps, formerly known as the Shrinking Slob. But I never got around to posting here. Yesterday I had several goals I was trying to reach and never got around to blogging in any of hte three.

I'm getting the kids off to school and then going to the Y -- after that it's my plan to update you on something cool that happened.

Some not so cool things that happened are more drama with Salinda which may mean she doesn't end up starting college (she is here again) and my discovery that 18 year old innocent Ricardo has a new girlfriend who just turned 15. Been down that road, dont wnat to go down it again, but can't really do much. The more I say the more they will be drawn together, and as he says, "I'm not doing nothing mom."

Just keep doing nothing, little man.

Why does less and less control make me feel a need to be more and more controlling?

2012-01-01T07:57:00.002-06:00

I've been going bonkers internally lately. I've always been a control freak, but as all the kids get older and older and my husband has a greater need for peace, it seems like I'm having less control by the minute. I don't know that there is anything wrong with me wanting to know who is in my home when, in begin able to enforce a "be in your rooms by a certain time at night" rule, etc. But lately it's nearly impossible. A couple of our kids are certainly immovable.

I wish that I could relax and simply let it be, but the less control I have the more controlling I become and internally I'm getting more anxious by the day.

I understand the "pick your battles" philosophy and I attempt to avoid that, and I write and talk about not trying to control the uncontrollable, so why can't I follow my own advice.

AAAAGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

More Gabby Pics from 2nd Birthday

2011-12-31T12:58:00.001-06:00

Gabby's 2nd Birthday

2011-12-31T12:47:00.005-06:00

Pictures, as promised. Dominyk, Leon and Wilson were also there but none of the pictures of them turned out well. Leon took most of these.

Slowly But Surely

2011-12-31T09:47:00.002-06:00

I accomplished something this past week. I made it to the Y five days in a row. I pretty much didn't accomplish much else. I worked several hours, I guess, but less than usual as I had some vacation time to use up by the end of the year. But I ended up spending a lot of time basically just shooting angry birds or mindlessly skipping around the internet. I'm hoping my motivation returns.

I have been resting a lot too, trying not to overdo things at least until I meet with the cardiologist on Tuesday. Health issues are annoying to me -- a distraction, and I'm not happy to be having them.

We finally have some snow and ice in Minnesota after an unseasonably warm few months. I'm content to sit in my office and attempt to get organized for the year.

So... Happy new Year's Eve, everyone!

Some Anxiety Relief

2011-12-29T08:19:00.002-06:00

SO, an update on yesterdays requests for prayer:

1) We wrote a letter trying to bring resolution. Having the letter written makes me feel a bit better, though the whole situation is troubling. Bart and I really are good people, and to be accused of being something less than that is very difficult for both of us.

2) We decided to wait until Spring to change rooms. Several decisions will have been made by then that might affect that and we agreed that we didn't need the stress.

3) Still can't talk about it and nothing has changed ;-)

My fourth day back at the Y with Kari. Part of my workout is painful and will be until I get some of this weight off, but I'm determined to keep going. My heart issue makes working out so much more difficult, but the doctor says I shouldn't stop. I have an appointment with a cardiologist on Tuesday.

I'm looking at my desk and sighing. So much to do. Nice thing is the kids are having are having a good break with very few behaviors....

One of my goals today is to post Gabby 2nd day birthday pics. She turns two today but we celebrated a couple days ago.

Have a great day everyone!

If you are one who prays

2011-12-28T08:32:00.004-06:00

Prayer may be the only solution for a couple things I'm anxious about today.

1) An estranged relationship that seems unresolvable between our family and someone outside of our family. I am not going to put details, but Bart and I have been very troubled by this for weeks now and there does not seem to be the possiblity for reconciliation.

2) Room changes. We really need to move rooms around and I am pretty sure that those who are going to have to move are going to be very unhappy. It seems obvious to me that the homeowners who pay the bills should be able to decide who sleeps in what room (and there will be some choices involved) but I am dreading the announcement that it is happening as it will undoubtedly bring about a bunch of nasty mouthy crabby behavior.

3) A completely unbloggable situation. And I have very few.

Those three things are stuck on the track going around my mind and I'm having a rough time getting through them. I feel like a hamster going around and around and around and making zero progress.

Our Christmas Letter as Promised

2011-12-28T08:27:00.001-06:00

We have reached the finish line one more year....

2011-12-28T07:55:00.002-06:00

Starting on November 4 is birthday season. It goes until December 29th and we have 9 birthdays. It starts with Kyle's wife Christy, and ends with Gabby. last night we celebrated Gabby's birthday... and thus concludes birthday season. It's not exactly the best time of year to have so many birthdays, but there isn't much we can do about it. Throw in Thanksgiving and Christmas and it's just a crazy time.

So last night Dominyk, Leon and Wilson were the ones who chose to join us and we drove up to meet Salinda, Henry and Gabby for dinner. It was a really nice time. I have many more pictures but they are on my camera and I am at the coffee shop, so they will have to wait until I get home.

She meticulously and carefully opened every picture and then said something that sounded like "Oh how cool" and then "oh how cute" and then "Oh my Gosh!". She was adorable. Watching her be so excited about the gifts we had chosen, getting hugs from her and hearing her say thank you, totally made the trip worthwhile.

Salinda is such an awesome mom. She is so attuned to Gabby and interacts so well with her. Even though Salinda's life is predictably unpredictable, she always puts Gabby first and makes choices that she knows are best for her. Salinda turned 19 on Christmas Day... hard to believe... she is getting more mature every day and our relationship is slowly improving -- although I haven't changed ;-)

Anxious about several things this morning, but trying to take one step at a time.

One Step at a TIme

2011-12-27T07:58:00.003-06:00

As you can see by the pictures, we had a good Christmas. It was fun seeing everyone and the kids seemed grateful enough. We still have two that cannot hold it together at all ... the cursing and the arguing is beyond annoying -- but most of the rest of the kids have gotten mature enough to respond appropriately.

Whenever I have a day or two off from work I find myself paying attention to the zillion projects that I should be doing around the house, with the kids, or in regards to my other endeavors that I don't have time for (bookkeeping for the company, book marketing and promotion, etc.)

I have started going back to the Y with Kari this week -- my health is at an all time low. I go back to the doctor today to see about the whole A-Fib thing. Hopefully we're going to come up with a better solution than the past few weeks.

I have to keep reminding myself that I need to just take one step at a time. Even though the Baby Steps Out blog has been up for two weeks now and I'm reminding folks every day to take things one step at a time, sometimes I forget to do so.

Today we are going up near where Salinda lives to take her and Gabby (and hopefully Henry) out to celebrate Gabby's birthday which is on Thursday. Hard to believe she is two already.

2012 is going to be quite the year for us. I need to take deep breaths and remind myself to take it one step at a time.

And a Good Day Was Had by All

2011-12-26T11:20:00.005-06:00

A Good Day

2011-12-25T18:20:00.000-06:00

We've had a good day. It was typical in many ways, but probably the best Christmas we've had.

Working on getting pictures ready to post... hopefully they will be here tomorrow.

Hope everyone had a blessed day!

Christmas Eve Recap

2011-12-25T08:30:00.003-06:00

We began Christmas eve by celebrating Wilson's 13th birthday, leaving Bart and I childless after 15 years of parenting children. We now are officially only the parents of teenagers and children. We have brought everyone to their teen years, though some of them only lived with us for a year or two before they got here.

I then had these highlights for my evening:

1) Seeing all of my kids, my daughter-in-law, my grandson's mom, and both of my grandkids all on the same night -- just not at the same time. Gabby and Salinda arrived 45 minutes after Kyle and Christy left.

2) Having all of my children in church on the same night, though again not at the same time.

3) Seeing my grandchildren's faces, each in a different service, by candlelight for the first time as we sang "Silent Night." It was beautiful.

4) Hearing my husband preach twice and sing in a duet. He has a lovely voice.

5) Watching my grandson and a few of my kids open gifts that they seemed to appreciate and were appropriately grateful for.

6) Having the least amount of stress we have ever had on a Christmas Eve.

And I"m going to leave my post just like this without the things that trouble me.

Hope everyone has the merriest of Christmases.

Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T08:38:00.002-06:00

Christmas Eve morning and I'm a big behind on the things I need to do this season. Usually everything is done by now, but I haven't wrapped gifts yet! I'm doing that this morning at 9:30.

My best laid plans are being switched around by everyone elses not so well laid plans, so I'm just trying to relax and go with the flow. Not exactly my area of expertise, but so far I'm alive and hanging in there. Of course, the day is young and nobody is awake yet except Dominyk who informed me first thing this morning that I have already ruined his f-ing day.

So, I'm off to gather the gifts from around the house to take them to be wrapped... and then we have Wilson's favorite meal for lunch to celebrate his birthday which is today. Tonight -- church, China Buffet with the kids who don't live here (minus Salinda who now is coming later and staying until tomorrow), and then a 10 p.m. service.

Tomorrow morning we are having chruch and then opening gifts and having our big dinner. ANd then, suddenly, it will all be over. Last year was the best year Christmas we had ever had. Maybe this year will be even better!

Happy Christmas Eve everyone!

"All I really Want for Christmas"

2011-12-23T09:50:00.002-06:00

I posted the lyrics in 2005

Here's the YouTube:

Surprises

2011-12-23T09:20:00.002-06:00

Last night we watched Ricky and Leon wrestle. They are so gifted. Ricardo pinned his guy in the second period, but Leon lost. He said the guy was just a lot stronger than he was.

Afterwards four of us got something to eat (Dominyk, Wilson, Bart and I) and enjoyed Wilson's wit. At one point Dominyk was rubbing his fairly large belly and complaining of stomach pain and Wilson said, "Did your water break?"

When we got home we somehow had some uninterrupted time with just Leon and Wilson in our bedroom before bed. Leon wanted a back massage as he often has back pain after a match. We had a really nice time just chatting and laughing, but one important observation was made.

I grew up loving surprises. My mom always wanted to make sure that no matter what we asked for for Christmas there was something under the tree that we didn't know about because she wanted us to be surprised. We loved that and I've tried to carry on that tradition.

However my kids really don't want surprises. They almost place an order for their gifts and have for several years. The older they get the more specific they get. Tony was even telling me how he wanted his presents wrapped the other day. This takes away a lot of fun for me.

As we were talking last night Leon, the one who holds it together better than any of our kids, was asking me very specific questions about Christmas. I asked him, "Don't you want ANYTHING to be a surprise on Christmas?" And he said, "Mom, I'm almost 17?" I was having trouble putting it all together when once again my wise husband helped me out.

He said, "Maybe kids who grew up neglected or in chaos don't like suprises." And Leon said, "Yeh, maybe the surprise was getting smacked." I'm not sure he was referring to himself, but the whole concept is interesting.

Maybe my kids fear disappointment so much that they have to order exactly what they want for Christmas because they have had so many years in their past where Christmas wasn't the way TV said it was supposed to be. Maybe if they find a picture on line and text it to me (this has happened this year) then there is no way there will be disappointment.

So maybe my family of origin tradition is going to have to go. Maybe I should take a different approach and just make sure that we have a "no surprises" Christmas and that will make everyone a bit more relaxed.

I know that my kids don't know why they do some of the things they do. It's subconscious and most of the time they are not invested in ruining holidays or making others miserable. But anxiety peaks around holidays.

But maybe it is enough that even if I am imperfect and unable to give them something that looks just like the picture, or if we're not wealthy enough to give them everything their friends parents give them, that we can at least know that they have a family. I'm not sure that they all appreciate it, and at least one has made it very clear that he wishes he would have been adopted by someone else and has told us that now for 14 years since he came at 8. But at least we know that this Christmas they have us. They belong somewhere. This incredibly insightful post shows what could have happened to any of our kids without us and while I still don't think we have done enough and wish we had the capacity to help even more people, even the writer of this blog, I have to realize our limitations and that our family at this time would not be a soothing or therapuetic place for a new family member to heal.

So there are my thoughts on Christmas Eve Eve. I'm going to focus on the things this Christmas that we have done that are traditions every year and make sure those happen. And not worry so much that everyone has a surprise. Because that may have been a value that only I have had over the past 15 years of my Christmases as a mom.

Nice Surprise

2011-12-22T08:46:00.003-06:00

Yesterday while Bart and I were Christmas shopping Salinda called me several times about her financial aid situation. She and Henry are back together and so she has decided to attend college up by where he is. But she is having a hard time getting things set up and needs a lot of help. Her phone is messed up and she wants to wait until the upgrade to get a nicer phone without the buyout, so trying to talk and text was frustrating. So out of the blue she said she was just going to come and bring Gabby for a visit.

She and I ended up having a nice time together. Everyone else was busy -- Sadie was working, Leon with a friend, Wilson with a friend, Dominyk with Bart at the church, Ricardo (wrote Rand for some reason until the commenter caught that one!) out jogging, and the rest watching a game on TV or something. The house was quiet.

She got there as we were finishing supper, so I sat with her and Gabby as they ate -- Bart had to leave for his meeting. We talked about college. When everyone was asking whose night it was for dishes, I said "well, it was Salinda's but she doesn't live here any more" and she piped in and offered to do them anyway. So after she finished the dishes she and gabby came up to my bedroom and we watched the TV special and talked throughout it. She showed me the classes she will be taking and we enjoyed Gabby.

Gabby is SO fun lately. She is learning new words all the time. If someone calls her she replies, "Coming!" and she can say lots of names very clearly now. Grandma, Grandpa, Tony, Leon, Sadie, adn Gabby. And she calls Salinda Sally (the nickname they have for her at her boyfriends home) sometimes just to be funny. She now responds like she's having a conversation -- I'm not sure she understands every question, but she will respond with "mmm hmmm" or "yes" when asked a direct question.

There is even a possibility that she might be with us on Christmas morning, though I'm not crossing my fingers, but that would be so much fun.

Not sure why I woke up so whiny. ;-)

All I'd Really Like for Christmas I Can't Have

2011-12-22T08:00:00.003-06:00

When I was growing up we would ask my mom "what do you want for Christmas" and she would say, with a smile, "Peace and Quiet." We were never able to do it.

Bart and I are currently having an online conversation about what to do about Christmas and I think that I'm in the same predicament. We are discussing how we are going to do Christmas this year and the ways in which some of our kids (adults and children) are responding to the holiday and how they are going to respond to us and what we do this Christmas.

I think that one of the biggest mistakes that we made as adoptive parents was to expect children who were grateful. In retrospect, that is hilarious. Now some of our kids are... but the others are not appropriately grateful. There is always something that has been done wrong on their behalf to mess up their lives in general, or their Christmas, and they let us know about it.

SO I made the statement to Bart that all I would like is to have one Christmas when all twelve of my children are appropriately grateful. I must say that it is really too bad that everyone doesn't have a Bart. He is so good at seeing through things and getting to the point.

I have to quote him so you can see why I'm blessed to be married to him. I am all wrapped up in how I am being treated after all my years of effort and attempts to make them happy and he says,

These kids have to find their way, and all we can do is model ours and love them in the process. Most of our years of trying to imprint on them are over, they either got it then or might someday but we are past the point of imprinting much. I'm trying to practice feigned indifference because the more I try to make someone like I want them to be the less likely it is going to happen. There's kind of a direct, inverse relationship with that. I fare much better by acting in ways that I want to see them act.

And that smacked me directly in the face in a loving sort of way. (As Dominyk would say, "I've been put on blast!) If I am grumbling around all week, ungrateful because I have ungrateful children, how is that going to add to a positive holiday season? I simply need to relax, enjoy my children and grandchildren, and model the grateful person that I want each of them to be. In my Baby Steps Out blog that I have recently started for people trying to dig themselves out of a difficult situation, the challenge for Day Five is about gratitude. I need to follow my own advice.

Last Day of School Before Break....

2011-12-21T07:32:00.002-06:00

Today they are all going to school.... nobody stayed home sick.... and tomorrow nobody will go... and we will begin Christmas break.

I'm finishing up packages that go in the mail and Bart and I are going to try to finish up Christmas shopping.

I am feeling a bit less overwhelmed knowing that I will have several days to work when nobody else is doing much and maybe by the time the new year comes I'll be somewhat caught up....

SO, I guess I should get to it. I'm going to stop promising meaningful posts.... My head has been so full of details of things I need to do lately that I can barely form an intelligible thought.

Can thoughts be intelligible? Or are only words intelligible?

Keeping Kids Safe Against Internet Crimes

2011-12-20T16:27:00.001-06:00

This is the January webinar for the MN ADOPT program. Details are here.

Home For the Holidays Tomorrow Night

2011-12-20T08:02:00.001-06:00

And Suddenly There Are School Issues

2011-12-20T07:42:00.002-06:00

For years we haven't had attendance issues at our house. Our kids know that if they stay home then they don't get to use electronics and they have to stay in their rooms except for meals. For fourteen years this has worked well. Until it isn't.

Suddenly one of our children has realized that we can't MAKE him go to school and that we can't really physically move his 300 pound body away from electronics. So he stays home "sick." Grant it, he may be sick some days, but often he is feeling well enough to go to school... he sure is feeling well enough to argue continuously about it. And now he has learned a new trick. If he doesn't want to go to school and we somehow can force him to, then he goes into the nurses office with complaints all day and they have to put up with him until they finally call and say he needs to come home.

The hard thing about 3 or 4 of our kids is that whether they are there or not they are failing. And if anyone out there is saying that you can MAKE a 15, 16, or 17 year old do well in school if they don't want to, please let me know your tricks. We have tried everything and if they want to fail there isn't anything parents can do.

Yesterday another child was too sick to go to school so we had two home, but at least that one followed the rules. And today it appears Dominyk is really sick... so he's home, but everyone else went, for now.

Until the nurse calls.

Not Quite Done....

2011-12-19T07:07:00.002-06:00

The Christmas letter isn't quite done but just might be in a couple hours! I achieved most of my goals for the weekend, and now my dream for today is to keep going in the same direction. My list is long.

In response to a comment asking about brain neurobiology and what I felt I did wrong and what i could still do right, let me briefly answer that question.

1) I was not very attuned to my children when they came and didn't take time to establish that. Attunement involves really understanding your child and how they respond emotionally. For example, an attuned mother knows if a child's cry means that they just need to cry themself to sleep or if they have to be held. Achieving attunement with a child who is acting out and unattached is a difficult task and I should have worked harder to do that. Even now I would say that I am only "attuned" to a few of my children.

2) I did not do enough calm, repetitive, activities with my kids. Nurturing things they missed from their early childhood that promote brain growth were absent with my kids who came over the age of 8 -- and even some of the younger ones. For example, even though Dominyk came at nine months, as soon as he learned to walk on his first birthday he never stayed still. So those kind of brain-stimulating things were missed. Had I known how important they were I would have focused on them.

3) I spent way too much time (and still often do) having conversation that require the cortex portion of the brain (abstract thinking) with kids whose cortex's are unorganized at best. Reasoning, explaining, and attempting to argue rationally with my kids is always a mistake before their brains are organized and fully developed.

So, based on that, I can still work to be better attuned to the moods of my kids. I can think of some of the activities that would help younger kids and apply them to the ages of my kids now and things that would help.

If you are interested in this stuff, the Child Trauma Academy offers lots of resources. They helped to write the curriculum I helped teach on Friday and it was really interesting stuff.

Is the Weekend Over Already?

2011-12-18T20:36:00.002-06:00

Wow, I just lose track of time these days. Yesterday was a fairly mellow day around here. Got some of the calendar done but then spent a portion of the day basically sitting in the recliner in the bedroom drooling on myself (ok, maybe not quite that bad, but close). It's almost as though my brain needs psychic space.

Today we had church and a potluck and then I came home and worked on calendars some more. Was so tired I had to nap and then have finished up most of them. Now it's time to write our Christmas letter at nearly nine p.m. on a Sunday night.

If I get it done I may just post it right here.

Perpetual Disappointments

2011-12-17T12:19:00.004-06:00

Really busy times are over and things might just settle down -- except...

:-) Always an exception. Still a couple meetings this week but fortunately they are not more than 40 miles away from home and shouldn't last more than a couple hours a piece.

Today is a lazy day around here -- Bart and I are each doing things we love to do. He is in and out of the kitchen cooking and cleaning and I'm in my office working on creative photo things for Christmas gifts.

I have decided though that one of the things that my life is characterized by is perpetual disappointment. Little things -- times I've been lied to, mistreated, things happening behind my back. one after another I find out about them.... and it is draining.

yesterday I co-taught a class on neurobiology. It made me realize several things about my kids and ways that I haven't done what I should have done with them. It was both encouraging and discouraging -- encouraging to know that there are things that work better than others -- discouraging to know that I haven't done them. But maybe some of them can still be done.

So today I'm in photo land... I ahve 35,000 photos on my computer which never seem to get organized so sometimes my photo projects make me annoy myself.

In case you haven't heard, the "Baby Steps out" blog has started -- you can begin any time in climbing out of any hold of bitterness, resentment, illness, frustration or depression you might be in. Or, if you just want to do it for fun you're welcome to. It can be found here.

Adoptees Have Answers December Newsletter

2011-12-15T10:10:00.001-06:00

Check it out HERE

Beyond Consequences Training and Support in Minnesota

2011-12-15T09:21:00.001-06:00

HEAL Family Services and MN ADOPT Presents Beyond Consequences Training & Support with Brenda Benning, MSW, LGSW

Presentation: This is a specialized training for families who are or may be parenting children with a traumatic history and/or attachment issues. It will provide hands on skills training based on Heather Forbes’s book, “Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control.” You will gain insight into your child’s behaviors and real life techniques to regulate the emotions driving those behaviors. Brenda Benning has trained with Heather Forbes and helps parents practice these techniques while building a support system with other families. Benning has her masters in Social Work and is parenting eight children, seven through adoption who have been diagnosed with trauma and attachment issues. See attached flyer for more information.

When: Ten Sessions on Thursday’s from 6:30 pm to 8:30 pm
January 5, 12, 19, 26
February 2, 9, 16, 23
March 1 and 8

Where: 7301 Ohms Lane, Second Floor Meeting Room, Edina, MN 55439

Fee: All ten sessions: $200 per person; $350 per couple – fee includes the cost of the book which will be shipped prior to the training. Each individual session is $30 per person; $55 per couple CEUs are available for an additional $30. Certificates of Attendance will be distributed following the presentation.

To Register: Please go to http://www.mnadopt.org/calendar.php to register online.

Zero Kids Waiting December 2011

2011-12-15T09:17:00.002-06:00

This helpful MN electronic newsletter can be found here.

I did it

2011-12-15T08:29:00.001-06:00

It is all set up! So, for those of you who have mentioned this would be helpful, let's get started!!!

http://babystepsout.blogspot.com/

YAY!

A Funny Story and a Promise... well, maybe...

2011-12-15T07:04:00.003-06:00

Yesterday Bart took me to lunch. It had been quite a long time since we were both free for lunch, so we added a little Christmas shopping before and had a nice time. After we got to the restaurant and ordered, as is my tradition, I went to the bathroom. Bart reported later that I was gone for an unusually long time.

I had pushed open the bathroom door and looked into the corner to see the handicapped stall that I always use. I went it, locked the door, and sat down to do my business. Now i'm sure that none of you have ever looked at your phone while peeing, but I did, and I found that I had an important email that needed answering. So I just sat there and finished the email.

Much to my surprise, when I opened the stall door, I was staring at 3 urinals. I quickly exited and turned around to see that yes, indeed, the door was marked Men. Fortunately for me, the restaurant was pretty empty -- because had there been a stream of men coming in and out, I would hve been stuck in the stall for who knows how long and that idea is simply not appealing.

It's my plan to start the Baby Steps Out blog today... for those of you have asked for it.

Right now, I am overhearing Dominyk, alone and unprovoked, using vulgar language in the shower. I wonder what he's doing to bother himself?

No Appointments Today!!!

2011-12-14T06:52:00.003-06:00

For the first time in ages I have no meetings all day. I don't have to get in the van except to take kids to school and possibly pick some up all the way until this evening!

Monday was a crazy day. I had a meeting 2 hours from here and 2 conference calls that I did -- stopped in towns along the way -- sitting in the van. Ended up being gone for 5 hours. Then worked at my desk until 10 trying to get a project done.

Yesterday was a 2 hour late start, followed breakfast with Kari and the mom of the Dynamic Duo. Then watched Isaac for 2 hours, attempted to get the same project done, and headed out of town for a home visit, after stopping by my office to get ready for the visit, work on files, etc. Jimmy came with me and helped me clean up from training on Friday and Saturday and then we had supper before my home visit. It's been a crazy few days.

I did attend a school meeting with a family and I have to be careful to be very anonymous here, but the school was attempting to expel a student because they were declaring that her anger outburst and the fact that she assaulted two other students were not directly nor substantially related to her diagnosis of RAD, PTSD, and ODD. REALLY PEOPLE???

The situation was muddied by many other factors, so I simply asked the team to clear their minds of all of the specifics of the people themselves and justify for me how anger outbursts and assaults were not directly or substantially related to those three diagnosis. They backed off, did not expel, and now will be providing services to the family. Had they been able to expel, one hour of home bound schooling was the only education the child would receive.

So sometimes I get a glimpse that all of my travel and the crazy schedule is worth it. I get a blog comment or an email or I meet with a family, or something happens that shows me that some of what I am doing matters.

One more positive note from my world.... Jimmy doesn't work again until January 6th because the university is on Christmas break. And he is SO helpful around the house that it is wonderful. He keeps things tidy in the kitchen, -- the most tidy of anyone else in the family -- keeps up with laundry, and makes sure that the living room is clean (which was Salinda's chore this month and she's not here). It's a joy to be home when he is here because he likes to be helpful and doesn't complain, needs no nagging, and does an excellent job.

I'm off to awaken the children and take them to school. Then I need to to tackle two desktops -- the one full of email and the "real" one full of papers, snail mail, and lots of junk!

A virtual hug to everyone -- they are the best you know. No risk of smelling bad or having bad breath!

Join us Wednesday in Mankato!

2011-12-12T20:19:00.002-06:00

The Scales Have Been Officially Tipped

2011-12-11T08:08:00.002-06:00

As of yesterday, Bart and I are now the parents of more adults than children. Ricardo turned 18, leaving us with only 5 "children" to be legally responsible for. We still have 8 or 9 on any given day living here, but we "only" have five kids. It is kind of nice to get over that hump.

It feels good to have my horribly busy six weeks behind me and be able to focus on some things at home. I really need to do that. I'm feeling very out of sync when my inbox is full and my desk is a mess. Maybe today we can get some of that taken care of. We are also thinking about decorating for Christmas, something that hasn't happened yet.

Everyone is slowly scurrying (can a person slowly scurry) to get ready for church and I have medicine to give Wilson. He had four wisdom teeth pulled on Friday and is very swollen. He has a high pain tolerance and is very brave -- but he totally looks like a chipmunk but is refusing to let anyone take pictures.

SO.... it's Sunday, people....... Enjoy your day!

Just Two More Days to Normal

2011-12-09T08:41:00.002-06:00

On Wednesday, Bart and I had a meeting in the Twin Cities together, not arriving home until around 8 p.m.

On Thursday, I spoke at task force in St. Paul -- a gathering of public and private agency social workers who gather together to learn, network, and match kids. I was providing them with spirit lifting opportunities and making them laugh, according to the advertisements. It was a good morning - the crowd was spread out and small, so that makes "humor" a bit more difficult, but I think it went well.

Got home around 3:30 -- was really pretty out of it for the rest of the night, though I did get some emails caught up and catch up with Bart and the kids.

Apparently Salinda is leaving again -- they never did bring Gabby back -- so you can imagine how that has taken it's toll. However, she has handled it very well. We were supposed to have a meeting with a local college next week -- hopefully she'll still choose to do that.

In regards to the other blog, I appreciate those of you who have tried to convince me that I don't need to take on one more thing, but I think this one would be good for me. If you know me at all, you know that a new thing is inspiring and this would get me back on track, might also help some other people, and would only take me 5-10 minutes a day. So ... I'm thinking of starting it next week.

Today and tomorrow I do pre-adopt training for my Downey Side job 40 minutes from home, but then, other than a meeting on Monday a couple hours from home, things settle way down. At least compared to the last couple weeks.

Now... of to prepare and train new parents!

I Have a Question for You -- Two Actaully

2011-12-07T07:04:00.002-06:00

The past month or so I have felt more overwhelmed than I have in years. I feel sometimes like I am in the bottom of a big pit and that the journey up would be so hard that I shouldn't even attempt it. However, I know that that is "stinkin thinkin" and that I have to find a way to start climbing out of a hole that is, in part, of my own making.

So I had this idea of starting another blog -- maybe just for thirty or forty five days -- where each day I would think of a small thing that I could do to improve my life, building from day to day with more difficult tasks. I was thinking that it would be helpful to anyone who is trying to climb out of anything difficult -- illness, grief, addiction, a painful end to a relationship -- anyone who is trying to stop themselves from falling so deep into their hole of depression and anxiety that they wouldn't be able to get out.

Each day there would be an assignment that would not last more than 5 minutes and would be easy to do from the blog.

So, my two questions: 1) DO you think this would be helpful for you or someone you know; and 2) When do you think I should start? I was thinking that everyone would expect it to begin in January, but maybe a few things in December might get people ready to enjoy the holidays more or to tackle bigger things in January.

Am I explaining this well? (oh wait, that's a third question. Sorry. ;-)

Literally Have Only 5 Minutes

2011-12-06T08:29:00.002-06:00

SO, do I have a good excuse for not blogging? Here's quick summary for the last 46 hours.

Church, lunch after church -- fundraiser for kids next missions trip -- Isaac came over and I rocked him to sleep and then of course couldn't move for a while. ;-) Then had to find everything and pack which was slow going. Finally left at 5:45 -- I crashed when I arrived at 7:30 and then got up a little later to finish some emails, went back to bed. Got up at 6:15 as I had to be at the training I was doing at 7. Trained from then untikl we were done at 5:45. Then drove to take Kyle and CHristy to dinner, back to the hotel arriving here at 8:30. Crashed gain for an hour and got up to work for a couple, then back to bed.

Up now to drive 75 minutes to a meeting.

Things are going to slow down. They have to. This is nuts. But I have all this scheduled.... once I complete them I'm going to be much more careful with my scheduling.

i'm WAY too old for this. Hope everyone is ok -- haven't even had time to check your blogs!

An Unusual Time to Blog

2011-12-04T10:33:00.002-06:00

Typically I am teaching Sunday School right now, but this morning is a little unusual. For one thing, we got several inches of snow last night, which meant that I wasn't going to leave the responsibility of driving several teenagers to church to a teenager. Sadie had to work at 10:30, after first service, and I had to be there for choir at 8:30. Wilson, Dominyk and Tony are either in or helping with the Christmas program at 11:00, practice starting at 10, so they needed to be at first service. Bart, of course, goes early, and Rand and Jimmy went with him.

I ended up having to make two trips because Sadie wasn't ready -- a constant struggle in our home -- and so I was late to choir. I am back home after dropping her off at work to pick up Salinda, Ricardo, and Leon to take them to the 11:00 service. Gabby has still not come home but was apparently involved in a car accident last night -- an accident, nobody's fault, but it added to our stress and drama.

So now I"m back home waiting for the other two and thought I'd stop by and fill you in on the details.

I leave this afternoon again to train all day tomorrow, and then have a work meeting in St. Cloud on Tuesday. Then I'm home evenings but gone days until Saturday night when there is a light to the end of this tunnel.

A woman at church this morning who I didn't recognize remarked to me that my hair was a different color than the last time she saw me which is why she didn't recognize me. I laughed and told her that I never dye my hair so I wasn't sure why it was a different color. She went out of her way to make sure that I wasn't offended by her comment.

Made me think about how different people are from one another -- how some people are offensive, passive aggressive and down right mean, and others are nicer than they need to be. I probably fall into the offensive category when I don't engage the filter I actually do have in my head but often ignore, but I am careful to make sure that I watch people's reactions to make sure that I'm not bothering them -- at least I try to be. And I am never intentionally and directly mean.

It's too bad we can't take two people and combine them together to make one person who would be right in the middle :-)

SO I'm off to church again. I hear Wilson has one of the funniest lines in the program. That should be more than fun.... and I hear Isaac and his mom are coming to church. Yay! He was over last night for a while and is so much fun. He fell asleep in my lap -- such a nice thing -- but that was after several BUSY hours! He is into everything....

People are Starting to Text....

2011-12-03T10:34:00.002-06:00

So yes, I am fine. Let me tell you about my last two days:

I left Thursday morning at 7 to drive 5.5 hours to Detroit Lakes for the finalization of a couple of boys who a family on my caseload adopted. It was a very great day -- lunch together first, and then court with plenty of celebration. It was kind of fun driving up there because I was remembering so many people in my life as I drove through various towns and thought of people that I had known in other places in Minnesota.

I had to teach the Adoption Competency class on Friday all day, so I decided to stay in the Twin Cities over night. It took about 4 hours for me to get back to the Cities after court, getting me to the hotel around 7:30. I was so tired by then that I didn't have the energy to blog. Went to bed by 9 and then was up to drive a full hour to get the 17 miles to teach class.

After class I drove 2 hours home where I had exactly ten minutes to change before I went to speak at the Women's Christmas Banquet at NCWOC, a church in town. Kari went with me and so did both of my daughters. It was a great night -- until I found out that while we were eating, Salinda's bf had come and told Bart he had her permission to take Gabby, which wasn't true. It made me really sad to think that she can't even leave for a couple hours to do something positive without worrying that Gabby will be missing until she gets back.

So I made a couple phone calls about that around 10 and then went to sleep and slept a very long time but woke up still quite tired.

One of the things that I decided during my travels is that I am going to have to cut some things out of my life. I am way to tired and have no time for the things that I enjoy, which includes my kids and grandkids.

I know most of you are not in disagreement -- I really want to go back to bed right now but I have some projects that I really feel I must finish before I leave again tomorrow for a couple of days...

Contest Results for Part One

2011-11-30T08:21:00.004-06:00

So...

I think it is fair to say that there is a winner for the free book I offered to give away to the best comment. Heidi Ho won, in my opinion, because she not only is promoting the purchase of ONE of my books, but CRATES of them. And her line "nobody reads salt bags" made me laugh out loud.

Here is her comment:

You should get these books. Even people who don't read, cannot read, or have an irrational fear of reading should have these books. There are many reasons to own books.

If, for example, you owned an 1880s house in Minnesota, built by people with Inuit genes who never had the insight that some people's feet will never be warm, or they just had a mean-spirited sense of humor, you could line floor-to-ceiling bookcases with books to insulate. Home schoolers figured this out long ago. Of course, this doesn't solve your heat loss through the roof, but I am not here to solve ALL your problems.

If you own a rear-wheel drive vehicle and live in Minnesota, you could put cases of books in the back of the vehicle to provide traction. Some people you salt bags, but books can ALSO be read. Nobody reads salt bags.

If you own lots of books, you may present yourself as intelligent. This has not yet helped me, but maybe I just need more books.

If you scatter books all over your household, you may appear busy to the people who show up unannounced to chat. Unfortunately, the ones who show up unannounced are either blind, don't notice details like books scattered all over, or haven't figured out that is how to look busy. My children, however, seem to enjoy that excuse.

Books make excellent weights to secure blankets on tables when making blanket tents. In fact, if you own crates of Claudia's books, you could have tent parties. Just remember to have everybody bring their own blankets.

Or, if you want to do it the easy way, you could just read the books. OR...you could buy crates of her books, keep one of each title for reading, and do the above-mentioned ideas with the rest.

Yeah, that will work.

Now, I'm not absolutely positive who Heido Ho is -- but I'm guessing it someone I know who home schools, lives in a very old house, and has kids who make blankets out of tents. But you'll have to email me to confirm. ;-)

Remember, the rest of the contest lasts all through December and is for all three books. All you have to do to enter the drawing is to write a short blog post about one or more of my books and then give me the link to your blog post.... So far only one entry and she's hoping nobody else enters. So give the woman some competition already!

Extending Cyber Monday by a day

2011-11-29T06:42:00.001-06:00

I have gotten some emails this morning extending Cyber Monday sales -- so I am extending that and my contest for one more day -- see details below!

Happy shopping!

Thank You for Making My Black Friday Sale...

2011-11-28T09:00:00.004-06:00

the least successful sale in the history of Black Friday.

Nobody bought anything.

So you not buying anything helped me break the all time low profit on Black Friday record.

:-)

Apparently, having a Black Friday sale that is successful requires a lot of advertising or something, because I made zero money on Black Friday? Who does that? Me apparently.

So, just so I can do better -- or break a record by having two failures in a row....

ANNOUNCING a CYBER MONDAY sale -- beginning now until 17 hours from now at our online store. (I forgot to set it early and a coupon has to be available for at least 17 hours, so you could actually participate in part of cyber tuesday, which doesn't exist). Use the coupon CYBERMONDAY even if it's Tuesday when you order it.

So, if you have any of the following people on your Christmas list, then you might want to buy one of my books:

1) A person who knows Bart (or me) and wants to hear about how we aquired twelve kids in twelve years. Our first book will tell them the story. We will autograph the book for them and say whatever you want us to say. I will pretend to love anyone for a buck.

2) A Christian woman. My second book is written for Christian women and I think it can hit the mark for nearly every Christian woman you might know. It's a nice touchy-feely book that talks about God's heart and it is so nice that Bart said he couldn't read it because it made him puke. Now that is brilliant marketing if I ever saw it.

3) A parent of any kind. The third book is about parenting -- all kinds of parenting. It is funny. Funnier than me. Maybe not funnier than me in person, but funnier than me on paper because it also includes my co-author Matt on paper, and he is funny too. I didn't say funnier than me. I said that he and I together are funnier than me alone. But he is not funnier than me. Just saying.

4) A person with a sense of humor. If you know anyone who likes to laugh, see above. Matt is funny. I am funny. Have I said something about being funny? I am funny. But at least I'm not repetitious or redundant and I never repeat myself.

5) A person who can read. If you have a person on your Christmas list who can read, then they should be reading more and watching less TV, but they can't do that if you don't give them a book, and if you have to give them a book, you might as well buy one of mine and help give my children a good Christmas. (OK, OK, so that went a bit too far. My kids will have a good Christmas whether you buy a book or not).

AND now, for those of you who have gotten this far.... here is a contest for you. If you can come up with the best (or funniest) reason why someone should order one of my books and put it in a comment, I will send you a free book of your choice.

And one more thing... Everyone who writes a post about my books on their blog during the month of December and links it here will be entered into a drawing for a package of all three books. I can't really believe I"m offering this, but hey, it's Christmas.

Oh wait, one more final final thing. If you don't have anyone on your list in one of the five categories above, you really need more friends.

Very Calm Sunday

2011-11-27T19:40:00.001-06:00

Today has been a very calm day. We had what we call "cheap chinese" -- the cheapest good all-you-can-eat China Buffet has free drinks on Sunday. So for $5.65 each we can eat -- cheaper than fast food. We do it on days when we are wanting something fast and cheap.... today was one of those days.

Everyone was pretty mellow today -- we rested and then five of the kids went to a movie night at youth group -- leaving three very quiet ones here for a very mellow evening.

I sound like a frog and have not done much today but I'm trying to kick myself in gear to get back into the swing of things tomorrow.

We had our friends Mike and Kari over for dinner last night -- I wasn't as entertaining as usual but it was good to see them again. Their son is allergic to us though -- he always feels sick here and can't wait to go home.

I wonder how many of our other friends feel that way and just don't say anything. Wait. Do we have any other friends that we consider family enough to invite into our not so clean home? maybe not...

yesterday

2011-11-26T10:29:00.004-06:00

Our thanksgiving meal was great. All twelve of our kids were at the house yesterday, just not all at the same time. But we did get a couple pictures. I lined those up hwo don't always live here for a picture alone so that I can take a picture today or tomorrow of those who do live here and use the two together to put in a Christmas letter.

Here are a couple shots of everyone trying to get food as well and one of Isaac, who sat next to me and shared my food -- and his mom's, and his dad's, and anyone else that would throw him something. Then we started to ignore him so he had to begin to disrobe to get attention.

it was a fun day.... tiring. Bart made an immense amount of food and the cleanup was perpetual for 3 days. But the kids had a great time reminiscing together. It was the first time all of the older kids had been home together in forever.

A Good Thanksgiving that Hasn't Started Yet

2011-11-25T08:45:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, all in all, was a pretty good day. All but two of the kids who live at home were very helpful for a few hours in the morning, getting the house ready for company. Kyle (our oldest --25) and his wonderful wife Christy arrived about 3. We hung out and talked a while, played a game, and then had an amazing lasagna Bart made. After supper we watched a movie together and then a second movie for those that were interested while the rest of us visited. Salinda and Gabby showed up around 8 and we had fun catching. Bart and I tried to go to bed about 11 but the kids were having a great time together interacting and playing with Gabby who certainly was wide awake. We didn't go to sleep right away but I figured letting them all stay up one night of the year wouldn't kill me.

Rand was at work by 5 this morning, Sadie went in at 7, and Leon goes in by 12, meaning that even if John and Mike show up today, we won't get a full family picture. :-( Not sure what it will take to actually get all 12 of my kids in the same place at the same time. Hasn't happened for years.

Jimmy is the only one up right now and he is being very helpful. He is a good hard worker, earning him accolades at work and a lot of positive affirmation at home.

I certainly needed more sleep than I got, but I think today may just be a good day. It's my plan to take several pictures to share with you at least!

Oh ... one more thing. For those of you who HATE shopping -- here's a Black Friday special that you don't even have to stand up to participate in. Save $5.00 on any order from our online store today -- order any of our books or a combination thereof and save big! Coupon: BLACKFRIDAY :-) Our online store is here.

Claudia the Spirit Lifter

2011-11-24T11:37:00.002-06:00

I got this email yesterday:

Next Task Force (Dec. 8th)

Will be a Potluck and Claudia Fletcher will talk about her experience as an adoptive parent of twelve, lift our spirits and make us laugh.

Pressure, pressure!

Do any of you attend Task Force Regularly?

I guess I'm going to lift your spirits and make you laugh!

Turning Things Around

2011-11-24T10:02:00.003-06:00

I was still in a slump all day yesterday, though I was keeping most of my opinions to myself and wasn't as edgy. I still wasn't feeling great about my life but it was getting better.

And then my husband spoke at the ecumenical Thanksgiving service after some great praise and worship music. He told the congregation made up of Lutherans, Catholics, Methodists and Covenants (Is that what they are called? :-) about this Thanksgiving in 2005. The picture of the event and the results are here.

The story brought tears to my eyes because the kids rose to the occasion. It made me realize that my kids are able to pick up some of our values and express them.

Right now there are several who are on board with helping get the house ready for Kyle and Christy and anyone else who shows up for our Thankgsiving dinner tomorrow.

I'm having to let go of some of my resentment that there are kids who will not help at all and rejoicing that so many will.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Oh Holy NIght

2011-11-23T09:38:00.003-06:00

Today there is no school, which used to mean a horrible day for us, but now just means a lot of teenagers either working, lying around, or off with friends. It also means I get to sleep in, something rare now that Bart has started going to bed way too early (in his mind) when I am tired and getting up at 5 or 5:15 to head off to work. That means that I have to do the early morning driving which starts at 7. But today, I was going to sleep in...

So this morning, my sleeping in was only interrupted by one trip at 7 and then I went back to bed. But somehow -- he has no idea how and neither do I -- Bart's computer suddenly started playing "Oh Holy Night" at full volume at 8:15. Guess it was time for me to get up! 8:15 is almost unheard of but so is the exhaustion I've felt the past few weeks. I certainly hope that the doctors can figure it out.

I have had a hard couple days. I'm feeling invisible, unnecessary and though I am contributing to the problems of my kids. I'm usually way more resilient than this and it's bugging me.

Guess I'll just keep going. I'm sure at some point things will turn around.

As Promised -- The Link to the Radio Show

2011-11-22T19:34:00.001-06:00

Sunday night's radio show can be found here.

One of Those Days

2011-11-22T06:42:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was one of those days. I haven't had one for a while and I'm not sure it's completely over. But it was one of those days where I fell into the trap of believing that these kids ARE going to do what I say. It's not a fun place to be.

For some reason yesterday must have been National Defiance Day... maybe that is two days after National Adoption Day for a reason . . . but it wasn't fun for anyone around here. Literally the first thing I dealt with within 10 minutes of waking up was a defiant young adult and I ended my night going to bed an hour after my preferred bedtime because I was dealing with the repercussions of the defiant choices of a teenager. In the middle there were four or five others who simply decided that yesterday they weren't going to do what I said.

On Sunday night the interview on the radio had me talking about how I had grown beyond this -- that I realized the kids weren't going to change and so I was focusing on changing me -- but it turns out I hadn't grown completely out of it based on my behavior yesterday.

I also lied to you yesterday, but it wasn't really a lie but simply a mistake. I do have to leave town this afternoon for a home visit -- but it is less than an hour away and won't take very long. This morning Dominyk goes to the dentist, completing the long list of kids who have been there this past two months.

I have insurance issues to sort out, financial aid for Rand and possibly Salinda, and a hoard of work stuff to do.

Now if I can just remind myself that the only person I can change is me, I might have a better day than I did yesterday. I guess the choice is mine.

Confirmation Pictures as Promised

2011-11-21T19:59:00.003-06:00

hard to believe that this little boy who came to us at 9 months is now six one and confirmed!

How Do You Know if You're Child is Ready for a Cell Phone

2011-11-21T09:46:00.002-06:00

I was asked to share this link with you that answers that question.

Here's the link

Learning the Hard Way

2011-11-21T06:41:00.003-06:00

The Radio Interview last night was fun. Other than Pat calling me Gloria and me beginning to spell my email address as "M as in Frank" everything went pretty well. It was a fun gig.

Did anyone else have a chance to see it?

Afterwards we had cake to celebrate Dominyk's confirmation as a family -- everyone except Ricardo who is currently on strike. I refer to it as that when he pulls back from every family activity because he is being stubborn and refusing to comply with the simplest of family expectations. He is almost 18 and I think has always seen this as freedom day -- except that he has no job, no money, is in debt to us because of the car accident, and has no where to go.

Mind you, this won't mean that he doesn't try to go anyway -- but wrestling season is just starting, not to mention a Minnesota winter, so it wouldn't be a good idea for him to venture out on his own penniless and homeless. But, as I just said, that won't mean he doesn't try it anyway. The beauty of it though is that once he finds out he can't make it on his own, he will be back -- and hopefully appreciate us more. He is a very naive kid who has only been in the country for 7 years and has not ventured out to explore anything about the world except for one friend's home in the trailer park, where he dreams of living. However, I've been in communication with that family and they have said repeatedly that they are not planning to allow him to move in at 18. I guess we'll just see what happens. December 10th is his 18th birthday.

You know it is interesting how some personalities simply have to learn the hard way. I was the kind of kid who was given lots of advice as a pre-teen and early teenager about life and I simply listened to that advice and made choices accordingly. By the time I was 16 I had two jobs where I worked until I left for college, knowing I had to pay for it by myself. I had a goal, I listened to people smarter and more experienced than me, and I reached it.

We have a few kids like that. They listen to our advice and slowly make progress. However, we have some that absolutely have to learn the hard way. They can't seem to heed the wisdom of others and have to make their own mistakes. The challenging part of parenting them is to watch it all happen, knowing full well that nothing we say is going to make much of a difference....

Sigh.

Time to go wake them up and head into another Monday. I'm thrilled that I don't have any appointments out of town this week. It will be nice to stay home.

Anyone have a chance to listen to the radio last night? If not, the archive should be available soon and I'll link to it when it is.

Tonight's Radio Show

2011-11-20T17:05:00.000-06:00

SUNDAY NOVEMBER 20th 2011
YOU GOTTA BELIEVE!
"THE ADOPTING TEENS & 'TWEENS RADIO FORUM"
Presents:
Wendy’s Wonderful Kid's New Research Study
conducted by Child Trends.
Rita Soronen,
Executive Director

Since 2005, the Wendy’s Wonderful Kids program has grown from seven pilot site grants to 122 active sites across the U.S., the District of Columbia and five provinces in Canada dedicated to evidence-based strategies that aggressively and effectively move children from foster care to permanent families. More than 3,400 children have been adopted or placed in pre-adoptive homes as a direct result of Wendy’s Wonderful Kids.

Claudia Fletcher
Claudia Fletcher and her husband are the adoptive parents of 12 children, 10 adopted from the U.S. foster care system and two from a Guatemalan orphanage. She is a Family Life Advocate for Downey Side Families for Youth and an Adoption Specialist for the Adopt America Network. Claudia is a former college administrator who has a B.A. in Behavioral Science and an M. Ed in Guidance and Counseling. She has spoken nationally about adoption issues and has had many articles published relating to permanency for children and supporting adoptive parents.

Visit our archive of Radio gems:

adoptingteensandtweens.com

Join us for an inspirational talk about commitment and family building.

To share your suggestions or have your questions answered live over the air! You can email your questions to ygbpat@msn.com. Call in live 631-888-8811
Join us every Sunday at WGBB 1240 AM OR LIVE STREAM OVER THE INTERNET!

Watch "The Adopting Teens & Tweens Show" every Thursday at Noon and 8pm on Brooklyn Community Access Television cable television Channel 68 - Time Warner Channel 35 or watch a live stream of the program by logging on to www.bcat.tv/bcat and click on Television #2.

The Adopted Teen's Prayer: "May you Love me the most ... When I deserve it the least …Because that's when I need it the most.

Confirmation Sunday

2011-11-20T17:01:00.002-06:00

Today Dominyk was confirmed ... a really big deal if you ask me. The reason it is a big deal is because he had to take initiative for it to happen. There were requirements he had to follow and it was on him to do them. We don't push when it comes to confirmation. Ricardo will be 18 soon and he still is not confirmed. We want our kids to feel like they are ready.

So he did it! He took it very seriously and got the stuff done. I have several pictures to share with you except someone has escaped with the cord that transfers pictures to the computer so until I find that they are stored safely on my camera.

Ugh.

So where are you going today?

2011-11-19T08:48:00.003-06:00

St. Cloud, That's where. Very cool event by an organization called Hope Blooms that will reconnect me with an old college friend who is now a state senator. I will do the keynote and hopefully sell a few books. Details can be found that the link.

After today I have a week with no speaking engagements or trainings! Of course we do have Thanksgiving, Kyle and Christy spending it with us, and hopefully the others who don't live here will join us as well. Salinda has indeed applied for college, but is not necessarily planning to live with us. Mike texted Bart last night -- he has a job as an apprentice at a Tattoo place, something we have encouraged him to do for years. He says he even bought some furniture. He seems to be doing quite well and at one point was thinking of going to school to get a degree in business. I am very proud of him, but I know that simply telling him that will bring back some nasty response, so I may keep my pride to myself. We aren't really sure where John is -- not sure if he still has his job. He and Courtney currently aren't together and he hasn't contacted us since he spent part of last weekend in detox after Bart took him to get his paycheck and he spent the whole trip talking about how he wasn't drinking anymore. Yup, welcome to my world.

Jimmy has paid back all of his debts and has cash in the bank, something he is thrilled about. He is going with me today to help me sell books and carry things. It's something he enjoys and he is quite appropriate and people like meeting him.

The others seem to be doing well this weekend. Bart and I had a big date last night with Tim and Sue -- dinner at a nice restaurant and then a play at the State University. The kids were at a lockin at church and it all worked out very well.

I had a burst of energy last night before we left and got a lot done

****

Once again I got distracted and forgot to hit "publish post."

Ended up spending the entire day NOT getting to the event. It was decided to postpone my portion as the roads were horrible so I spent 6 hours getting nowhere but back home.

Sigh.

Adopt America Network

2011-11-18T16:45:00.005-06:00

Adopt America has been matching kids with families for years and years. My association with them is what led us to Leon and Wilson and I have been a part of helping match over 500 kids with families as I have worked with them. It is also how I met Cindy and several other awesome adoptive moms.

We are having an online auction as a fundraiser this week and would love to have you bid -- or spread the word. It's a great way to support an incredible organization.

Check it out here