Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Feeling Like I'm Living in a Movie

Nothing seems real. In fact, this situation is the first one I really haven't wanted to blog about. It's cranking up my readership though. You sickos. ;-) My life is going smoothly and you don't show up. Now since Black Friday I'm having over 100 more visitors PER DAY. LIke I said, you're a bunch of sickos. ;-)

Yesterday we had to wait an hour for the results. We sat in the waiting room and actually had a good conversation, but the waiting was driving Salinda nuts. She was so anxious she was shivering -- cold enough to wear MY jacket -- an old one that is too big for me -- and if you know how much she cares about how she looks, you'd realize she had to be very cold to do that. They finally called us in from the waiting room to the doctor's office to let us sit there. I was telling Salinda it was like a reality TV show and that the camera's would be zooming in on her face, my face, the camera picking up our nervous glances, the audio tuning in on our sighs. And then, as soon as the doctor knocked on the door and turned the knob, the camera would go to the door and as it slowly opened.... they'd go to commercial. She thinks I'm a dork when I talk about stuff like this, but it made her laugh a bit.

After the appointment we were sent to buy vitamins by the doctor and she waned to have Subway. We were standing in line and everything felt so surreal. I asked her if she ever felt like she was living in a dream or was in a movie and it wasn't really happening and she said she had all week. I ordered my sandwich and she couldn't even figure out what she wanted to eat. I chose something for her. While we sat eating I pointed out the irony -- here she was, facing major decisions about her life and the life of a child -- and she really can't even decide what to have for lunch.

Decisions are one of the hardest things for her, small or large. She prefers to let others make them for her. But I'm committed to making sure this one she will make .... I just wish the others involved were wanting that as well. So far she seems to be strong and not being influenced by the plans of others, but knowing her, the baby will be born before she even admits to herself it really exists.

She has to take a test in the Cities today, so we're off to spend the day together (while my work sits screaming that it is not done). Guess I'll be working tonight....

9 comments:

debbie said...

claudia, it is not for sick reasons! i think we all are just concerned for all of you. please don't think this is just a morbid curiosity. we're moms, also. we care.

Claudia said...

I know -- i was just teasing.....

Barb in No. WI said...

So much of what you wrote is very similar to what I went through w/my dtr, but she was 18. I kept telling myself I did NOT want to be a grandma at 44. I'm mom to him now.
You dtr is very fortunate, though she might not think so, to have you and Bart for parents. Despite feeling frustrations, hurts, etc., there's one thing you are constant on, and that is offering her love, even when you don't "like" her. Every child should have that luxury.

Corrine said...

Claudia...man!
That's all.




Thinking of you, and Salinda!!!

Marge said...

And I hope you also know that I'm praying daily for you, Salinda, and the whole family.

Be blessed.

Ann said...

Praying with you and for you, Claudia!

Suzy said...

Wow - when it rains, it pours in your lives! God has certainly blessed you and Bart with incredible strength and fortitude (and humor). You and your family are in my prayers. Suzy

Rose Adoption Journey said...

We ARE sickos!! (-; All of us....

Praying for you girl. This will be a "character building experience" (-;

Allison said...

Heres hoping and believing that the new life growing within her will despite its many difficulties give her a new life full of good and wonderful meaning.