Monday, January 04, 2010

Biting My Tongue -- The Hardest Part of Having Adult Children at Home

John blew off everything today. He said he had a psych eval that was court ordered. He told me that he had asked me to put it on the calendar. There was nothing there and I have no recollection of him asking me too. I told him he should get up adn call her first thing this morning and I left for the office.

Not only didn't he call her, he didn't go to school either.

I called and couldn't help but loudly express my dissatisfaction. Then I called back to apologize.

I hate standing back and watching kids make poor choices, but I hate enabling more than anything. He continuously tries to make me feel guilty for not doing something or other when it is all his responsibility. I told him to man up today.

I told him that if he wasn't going to be in school he couldn't be home. Told him he couldn't lie on my couch all day. I still don't think he got up.

Makes my blood boil. I know what is best is for me to be a non-anxious presence who parents with love and logic and doesn't even remind him and lets him experience natural consequences.

But I'm no good at that.

Could someone please just shut me up?


Linda said...

Claudia, I don't know if John has RAD or not but having parented two kids with severe RAD I learned that until they attach to (learn to trust) someone, it seems near impossible for them to learn about consequences. Their brain doesn't have the capacity at this point to think beyond fight/flight or survival mode. Once you get beyond that, then it might be possible for them to learn about consequences. I'm not an expert but I don't think the system is set up for kids with attachment disorder to succeed in an environment where they feel they're expected to love. As soon as kids enter the foster care system, they should be assessed for attachment disorder and if they have it put in attachment therapy, not just regular therapy. If John has a degree of RAD, there may be nothing you can do since he is an adult. You might need to set boundaries for him to live at home and if he doesn't follow them, he needs to move out. But I know he's not my child and believe I know you don't want to abandon him. I don't really have any advice for you since my adult child with RAD moved away from home on her own and struggles with relationships with everyone. But I have let go and when she calls I listen and tell her she's welcome at home whenever she wants. I listen to her cry because her bio mom still drinks and that makes her unhappy. I just wanted to let you know that you might be talking to wall with consequences if John has RAD.

Rose Adoption Journey said...

you go girl!