I feel a little foolish, over invested, and almost like a battered wife. But whereas I had doubts this morning, the way the day played out we had no decision to make.
First Bart blogged this and made some other eye opening comments to me. Then the fall out of the other kids, especially Salinda and Tony, convinced me that we can’t keep doing this to the kids. Salinda has not been able to view John as anything but perfect and us as the ones who are at fault. She was using the same behaviors as John, on a much smaller scale, to try to get her way today. Threatened to have John’s friends pick her up so she could run away, blasted parental advisory rap music at full volume, argued with every rule I attempted to enforce today, and explained over and over again that we were horrible for not giving John any chances. Wow her memory is cloudy. We’ve been doing this for five years. Sadie started to pick up on the attitude as well.
Then Tony did a complete copy cat of John’s behavior today -- not as mild as Salinda, not as severe as John. “I don’t have to f**** listen to you Claudia. I’m going to beat your a**. This is coming from an 11 year old.
Dominyk asked if John would be coming home. When I said I wasn’t sure he said, ”You’re going to let a kid who tried to kill Dad with a bat LIVE HERE?“ He had the ”are you REALLY stupid“ look on his face and tone in his voice.
But John clinched it in court. He didn’t come in remorseful and was barely respectful. He ignored us and pretended like we didn’t it exist. AND he was wearing his school shoes, which he isn’t supposed to touch until his first day of school, but obviously grabbed and put on before he grabbed the bat.
After being interviewed by the Prosecuting Attorney and the Probation Officer, they reported in court that we were not willing to allow John to return home. They continued the hearing until next Wednesday morning. The judge looked up the supposedly open CHIPS case and declared that it had been closed in June, so we’re not sure what is up with that. Now they may have to open a new one.
I had to call and tell them he wouldn’t be coming to work. We will not be going to the football meeting tonight.
We will never stop loving neither John nor Mike, but there comes a time when you have to realize that a family system has become sick and warped and in order to be somewhat healthy we need to love those two from afar, as commented, and see if we can salvage the others.
I must admit that I feel like I have failed and that my best wasn’t good enough. I could poor lots of raw emotion into this post, but I have to get those matching bash charts done by morning....
First Bart blogged this and made some other eye opening comments to me. Then the fall out of the other kids, especially Salinda and Tony, convinced me that we can’t keep doing this to the kids. Salinda has not been able to view John as anything but perfect and us as the ones who are at fault. She was using the same behaviors as John, on a much smaller scale, to try to get her way today. Threatened to have John’s friends pick her up so she could run away, blasted parental advisory rap music at full volume, argued with every rule I attempted to enforce today, and explained over and over again that we were horrible for not giving John any chances. Wow her memory is cloudy. We’ve been doing this for five years. Sadie started to pick up on the attitude as well.
Then Tony did a complete copy cat of John’s behavior today -- not as mild as Salinda, not as severe as John. “I don’t have to f**** listen to you Claudia. I’m going to beat your a**. This is coming from an 11 year old.
Dominyk asked if John would be coming home. When I said I wasn’t sure he said, ”You’re going to let a kid who tried to kill Dad with a bat LIVE HERE?“ He had the ”are you REALLY stupid“ look on his face and tone in his voice.
But John clinched it in court. He didn’t come in remorseful and was barely respectful. He ignored us and pretended like we didn’t it exist. AND he was wearing his school shoes, which he isn’t supposed to touch until his first day of school, but obviously grabbed and put on before he grabbed the bat.
After being interviewed by the Prosecuting Attorney and the Probation Officer, they reported in court that we were not willing to allow John to return home. They continued the hearing until next Wednesday morning. The judge looked up the supposedly open CHIPS case and declared that it had been closed in June, so we’re not sure what is up with that. Now they may have to open a new one.
I had to call and tell them he wouldn’t be coming to work. We will not be going to the football meeting tonight.
We will never stop loving neither John nor Mike, but there comes a time when you have to realize that a family system has become sick and warped and in order to be somewhat healthy we need to love those two from afar, as commented, and see if we can salvage the others.
I must admit that I feel like I have failed and that my best wasn’t good enough. I could poor lots of raw emotion into this post, but I have to get those matching bash charts done by morning....
As I said in my previous comment, I am so sorry you are going through this.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to remind yourselves that this isn't your fault. You and Bart have done more for your kids than a lot of people would do, and there comes a point where your children have to accept responsibility for their actions.
You do not own John's behavior.
It's easy to wonder what you might have done wrong, but the real truth is that you can only offer so much. You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. You can offer a child a loving and supportive home, but you can't force him to take advantage of the opportunity.
You've done your best, and you will continue to do your best. The difference is that, moving forward, your best will be at a distance. You'll love him and support him always, but he has to be the one who is ultimately responsible for his choices.
Protecting, nurturing and loving John should not come at a price that hurts you, Bart, and your other children. It's okay fine to be upset that this happened and grieve this loss, but you shouldn't blame yourself for it. You weren't the one who neglected and abused him when he was small.
I appreciate your support and your comments.
ReplyDeleteBut we really had hoped to be able to make a little more of a difference than this.
You said you hoped to make more of a difference - I can't help but wonder where he would be without you these past years. You've made a huge difference, I have to believe that. And who knows what seeds were planted, right? Hang in there, girl. I'm covering your family in prayer.
ReplyDeleteIm so sorry Claudia, it really must be hard to have given your all and feel like there is nothing to show for it. But i know that God will take this and use it for his good, we may never know on this side of heaven, what his purpose was but you gave all you had and then more to john. May God surround you and fill your house with peace that passes all understanding. May he surround John as well.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't fail. The failures this child experienced long before you ever knew him. They apparently have been etched too deep in his psyche to be repaired at this time. I wouldn't lose hope, but I wouldn't let him be around MY kids, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteAdam and Eve had the perfect Parent. They had no history of abuse and neglect. They still chose sin.
ReplyDeleteHow can we expect to solve the problems these kids have? We can't make them behave. They have the freedom to choose their own behavior. Unfortunately.
I have 2 bio's and 4 adopted siblings, now all ages 11-18; adopteds were 4-11 at adoption, after TPR and four years of foster care (not us). One does not live w/us at this time. I can relate to your pain.
obviously i dont know what has happened with john since these postings in 2006 but i would just like comment that the most telling thing ive read was when you said if you were a wife you would leave. in reading about john i have often thought wow some things you describe would scare me in thinking of him as someone's bf... like i said i dont know whats happened with john in the last couple years but just wanted to say i think this distancing is a good choice. hope everything has worked out positively and best of luck <3
ReplyDeleteis it silly that i comment on posts from 2006? :P i hope not lol