Thoughts on Living and Facing my Mortality

Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return. Repent and believe the gospel.

Tonight my children will have ashes placed on their foreheads and their father/pastor will say those words. And while they are there I will be home contemplating my mortality in ways I never have before...

People have been asking me how it feels to know that I have a blood clot in my heart that could break apart and move to another part of my body, possibly my brain causing my death. That's a pretty intense question.

I have always believed that worry served no purpose. I could die on March 8th and spend from now until then anxious and worried and not enjoy my life. Or I could live life to the fullest and still die on March 8th. I'd rather just live. Past March 8th. But in case that doesn't happen I'm going to live it to the fullest.

I have always thought I was the kind of person who continually lived each day as if it were my last. For the most part, I have lived this way over the past few years, but as with everyone, there are several things I can change. Having the past week and all that has happened to me has opened my eyes to what I need to do to live the way that I always wanted to live -- like I was dying.

The song above by Tim McGraw isn't quite what I would do. My Bucket List doesn't include things like sky diving or riding bulls, so I rewrote the chorus as it would pertain to me and I've been singing it to myself all day.

I woke up grateful

Gave love when folks were hateful

and I worked my very hardest to find one more kid a home

Loved my husband more deeply

my kids more completely

and never giving up just kept on trying

and today I thank God for giving me the chance

to live like I was dying.

(and P.S. For those of you who think I'm pushing myself too hard, it took me several hours to compose this post -- not the usual 10 minutes).