The morning started out pleasantly enough as one of our adult sons, who because we only had one vehicle this morning I was taking to work as I took others to school, was chit chatting about how maybe he should go to the Y with me at 5 in the morning. It was a fine conversation and we were getting along marvelously until out of the blue he throws out that he might buy a car today. When I pointed out that he didn't have a driver's license, he yelled at me for making the assumption that he was actually going to drive it. I went on to explain that he would need insurance. He laid out his plan about how we were going to pay for it, which I of course, had heard nothing of and knew that Bart hadn't either. I explained that he might want to pay us back the money he borrowed over the past several months, and he declared taht he wasn't paying us back because that was his graduation gift for getting his GED. We were almost to the drop off point when I said, "don't buy the car until you have at least talk to Dad and have a plan."
Suddenly a huge burst of anger and the statements, "I don't NEED you to buy me a car. I don't NEED anything from you. You haven't done ANYTHING for me for 5 years and I've been fine." He slammed the car (from the ride I had given him after having woken him up this morning) and I rolled down my window and said, "You're welcome for the ride."
Now I am having this humongous desire to discuss this with him when he comes home. I want to point out the $510 loan for snowboarding supplies that we gave him so he could work a job that he was never paid a penny for. I want to mention the residential treatment we've paid for, all the trips to visit him when he was in various juvenile detention facilities, the new pair of shoes he always seemed to need.... the many things he's stolen from us that we never required him to pay back. and of course, I could list hundreds of other things he has done. But I'm going to tell you instead.
Because he has RAD and FASD and the facts don't matter. This is the world view he has chosen and nothing that I have ever said or done, no matter how many chances we give him, no matter how much we sacrifice, his conclusion will always be "you never do anything for me."
It's interesting. His older birth brother, who is our son as well, was the brunt of that comment and told me that he is done with him. He said it to him once, after he did a bunch of stuff to help him out, and now he's burned his bridges. And yet, as parents, we've been hearing the same song for the last 12 years.... and yet we still continue to do what he can.
I did think it was ironic that he was stating the words, "I don't need you for anything" as he was getting out of the van from a ride from us after having been awakened in a bed and home we've provided for him to live in, but I think I've finally learned to just let it roll off my back. By the time he comes home tonight he won't even remember we had the conversation.
We never have done anything for him. Ask him. It's his story and he's sticking to it.
I have one just like it. He doesn't remember to remember anything we ever did for him, but just what he wanted at the moment. He has no cause and effect. I will hopefully make you feel better then I tell you about what mine did. He did not just buy a car...but a limo (without a license) and had his friends chauffering around. He spent $2000 for the limo put a $800 stereo in and then junked it 7 weeks later. He got around the statement from dad that he couldn't have a car because he couldn't drive so he came up with his own solution. He was the joke of the high school and he thought he was great! We still do not know where he got the money. But at least by this time he was out of our house for stealing and dealing his sisters prescriptions. He could not hold a job for more than 2 days as he thought he should get paid everyday and not have to wait because he needed the money now and got in his bosses face.
ReplyDeleteMake a list of the things you've done for him in the past two years: money loaned and never paid back, snowboarding supplies, value of items stolen, the works.
ReplyDeletePut it on posterboard and print BIG, so he can't claim not to see it.
Hand it to him and tell him to read it in front of you.
Then give him whatever ultimatum you want and stick with it. Maybe it's a deadline to be out of the house. Maybe it's a schedule to pay you back. Whatever you want.
He needs to know that he can no longer steal from you and disrespect you. He also needs to know that the well has run dry; you won;t give him another cent.
As long as you keep making things comfortable for him he'll keep on doing what he's always done.
I'm sorry you have to go through this with him.
Hugs and Prayers!
ReplyDelete