I posted this video and asked for your response. I am glad that most of you were encouraged. I had mixed feelings.
I have to confess that I had mixed feelings about the video. Sure, I understood her point, but like Angela, I wondered whether or not my kids were actually cathedrals in progress. Sometimes it's so hard to see that in the midst of all of their issues. There was one other part that really made me sad. She talks about how important it is to her that her adult children will want to come home to visit. Right now our children not living with us are not interested in being home much because of the severe behaviors of some of their younger siblings.
I got the point of the video, but somehow there was a bitter sweet taste in my mouth. Am I building cathedrals? I guess in 100 years someone will know.
My great grandmother adopted my grandmother. My grandmother went wild and married badly. When that marriage broke up my great grandma adopted my mom,her eldest grandchild. My grandma had a nervous breakdown,the baby was adopted by strangers and my grandpa kept the older boy.My mom has borderline personality disorder and has wrecked havoc for years. My great grandma was the stabilizing force in my life growing up. I was only in my mid twenties and in my own bad marriage when she died at age 98.
ReplyDeleteI ma sure she thought of herself as a failure as a mom. Both girls she raised had major issues. Both grew up to take on contrary values.
She didn't live to see the true fruit of all those years. She left an indelible mark on me that has never faded. I share her values all these years later. My second husband and I have adopted four so far out of the foster system. adoption was a natural thing for us.
My children have benefited from she and my great grandpa's decision to adopt almost 100 yrs ago. I think about that when I am despairing over one of mine.
My point is we may never know how far reaching this decision to love a child will reach. We may not see it at all. My great grandma never did.
I have to admit I disagree with almost everything in the video. I believe that children are not cathedrals, but people -- just like you are a person, too. Everyone has their own ability to make choices and no amount of "cathedral-building" will get children to do what you believe is right. You can lead by example, try to widen their view of the world, and show them how you think of others before you act -- but the bottom line is -- they will do what they want to do based on their own values, needs, and desires. Willing to be "invisible" is not the answer in my opinion -- although it sure makes it easier on everyone around you if they don't need to pay your words, thoughts, or actions any heed. Bleh!
ReplyDeleteThis video made me sad (and angry in some parts). I think it is very hard to go on some days when no one is giving you any positive feedback - a lifetime of that seems to just minimize the person to me.
ReplyDeleteI have adult children whom I love beyond words and I also see very little of because of the severe issues of some of the younger kids still at home. It breaks my heart because I feel like I'm choosing the younger, disturbed children over the delightful-to-be-around successful kids. I NEED to be with my good kids, the well-behaved young adults who give me the strength (and validation) to go on and keep working with the younger ones. I feel robbed of my life, my relationships with these older kids.