We have an official move date. June 11th. They will load us up that day and they will unload us on June 12th. And I'm having to recognize something in myself that I don't really want to think about.
It's a truth I try to tell my kids but it's something I need to remember as well.
Wherever I go, there I am.
Dang it, I hate that. The truth though, is that our location doesn't define us. The people we are around don't make us who we are. Wherever we go, there we are.
This is the third time I have written this short story on my blog (I searched it to see and I posted it in 2009 and 2007): I read a story a long time ago that has really stuck with me. It was a little boy who was afraid of a monster that kept chasing him everywhere. No matter where he went the monster followed him. Finally, he decided to hide in a closet and when he got in there he realized he'd locked himself in the closet with the monster. Because we can't escape ourselves.
So I've been thinking and dreaming a lot today about how our new house is going to be so clean, and I'm going to be so much more self-disciplined, and tidy, and organized, and efficient, and a better parent and a better friend and the list just goes on and on and on.
But the reality is that I'm still going to be me. And that stepping across the threshold of a new house in a new city where I go to a new church isn't going to automatically make me a new person.
And the truth of the matter is that I like it here because I have all kinds of people who like me just the way I am -- or at least are very good at pretending they do. I have friends who are willing to confront me when I get out of line and who understand where I am coming from. I don't have to be a better me for them to appreciate me, love me, encourage me and support me.
I know there will be some of those folks where I am going as well, but it will take a while. I'm kinda offensive really, and tease that I don't have social skills. So I won't be able to automatically charm people who are expecting a "typical" pastor's wife or a "nice" neighbor or friend.
But I have some dreams and I have some visions and I have some hope -- that I will do those things, with God's help, that will allow me to be the me that I envision in my new home, new neighborhood, and new church. Even though I won't change completely, I may be able to use the change to motivate myself to do better, be better, try harder, reprioritize and move forward.
And the fact is that I like me... for the most part. I've gotten to the point that I can be comfortable in my own skin, being me, regardless of what others think. So even if I don't change as much as I plan, I'm sure I'll be OK.
As the wife of a pastor in an ecclesiastical form of church government where clergy are itinerant and are appointed from one church to the next, it's a good thing that I like change and that I like me. I have learned to distance myself enough to make it seem like transition is OK. But thinking back to six years ago when we left our church in Luverne I remember just how very hard it was to say goodbye.
So in the midst of all of the emotions of moving I'm pretty sure I'm going to be OK. And I am looking forward to the next chapter of our lives. But I'm going to miss people here a ton. You Mankato folks have been awesome to us!
But I'm going to hit publish before I cry. All I was supposed to be doing was to announce my move date and be profound about being the same person no matter what and I'm getting myself all worked up.....
So, June 11th. and Wherever you go, there you are....