Abandonment

There are a lot of good things about adoption work. And there are some not so good things. Just a few. But of them is the ethics that come with changing jobs.

In the world of social work, when a person switches from one agency to another, it is time to move on. Those people are no longer clients, and they were never really supposed to be friends, so they aren't supposed to be in the future. This is all well and good, and I understand why it has to happen, but it really isn't fun... because I have been a part of people's lives -- their very personal lives (because adoption is a very personal thing) -- and then suddenly I'm supposed to be gone.

This particular move from my former job to Bethany has been especially hard for two reasons. One of them I absolutely cannot blog about -- the other is just the new role at Bethany -- being in leadership at the largest adoption agency in the world and carrying their reputation on my back and really not wanting to do anything to damage it.

Bethany is an amazing organization and I am being very careful not to do anything that would reflect poorly on them.

But I can't help but feel as though I have abandoned "my" families and I don't like it. The families that I worked with ocassionally still want my advice and I am not allowed to give it. And kids I place have already been left behind by so many that walking away from them seems even more cruel.

As I have said many times, the reason the system is hard to navigate is that it is full of people -- flawed humans. And we make mistakes. So I feel responsible to attempt to fix all kinds of things that I personally can't fix -- and now I'm not supposed to be involved at all.

Not sure why I am feeling a need to share all this -- other than that maybe you have had a social worker "disappear" from your life and wonder why ... and now maybe you'll understand that it isn't fun for them either.

Or maybe I just want people to know that though they are out of my professional site, that they as people, and the children I have helped them to claim, are never out of my mind or heart completely... no matter how many years it's been.

Learning Lots But Moving Slow

Bart and I had dinner with Tom and Chan last night. Very fun... love you guys!!!

Chan says that she still looks at my blog every day to see if maybe I have posted and I realized that I miss it.... but getting back in the habit has been hard. Kari, my recent BFF (which as you will recall stands for Big Fat Fanny) and former blogger now Facebook queen told me that if my blog isn't something I need for me that I shouldn't feel a need to blog for everyone else. But sometimes I do feel bad for spending seven years with you all and then just dropping it all.

So, how do i summarize almost a month in a few paragraphs? What do I want to share?

We had 11 children here for Easter -- everyone but Jimmy who is in Job Corps in Wisconsin. Everyone managed not to let one person ruin the day though that person tried hard -- they will go unnamed -- to sour our moods. It was awesome to have all 3 grandkids here at the same time for the first time ever. And nice not to have anyone in jail.

My A-Fib is back, which is a hassle, but not nearly as bad as it was when it was combined with low-grade situational depression, which is what I realize was happening last year. i move slow, but mentally I'm fine -- alert and even energetic -- just not physically.

Salinda and Sadie have each purchased a car, making Sadie more independent. She is working nearly full time, still at Target. Salinda is job searching. Tony has a new job at Broadway Pizza, Leon is a PCA... Dom is having the best school year ever and Wilson is pretending to be miserable -- but spends all his free time on the PS3 and seems to be doing well in school. He was asked to be the captain of the wrestling team at his Jr. high next year.

Having Gabby live here is so fun. When I walk in the door everyone else grumbles but Gabby shrieks with joy "Grandma's home! Grandma, you're home, you're home!" and that hug, well, it makes it all worth it some days.

There are all kinds of burdens though -- financial ones because we keep losing subsidies and our older kids still need our financial support, responsibility burdens -- my parents are moving here in a few weeks to go into a retirement center -- emotional ones as I am not sure how many years of absorbing hatred I can handle -- and the physical challenges that make me physically exhausted while trying to do it all.

Still loving Bethany -- God is blessing us there -- still loving our church -- again, God at work -- and still loving our new friends, but missing our old ones.

One of the problems with not blogging every day is that I have way too many thoughts to share to do it all in a monthly update. No promises though. I'm traveling a lot over the next few weeks though so maybe I'll have more time to blog.

I feel really disconnected from the online world, but things are what they are. Maybe I've just finally come that conclusion -- that things are what they are -- that whining about them doesn't change them... who knows, maybe I've hit the acceptance stage of my 16 year grief cycle.

hope all is well with everyone...

We have two children

As of this last week, we are the parents of two children. We are also parenting 10 adults.... but 3 of our kids have turned 18 in the past 3 months. That means three less subsidies. And they all still live here. Something to think about if you are aquiring multiple children. Three cell phone plans, hundreds of dollars in insurance for multiple vehicles, all those things you never think about when you have a whole bunch of cute little kids... but that wasn't my point.

Just wanted to update you a tad bit as to who is living here. Dominyk, Wilson, and Leon are still here - -as they were this summer, Sadie and Tony are done with Job Corps and are living here, and Salinda and Gabby and Gabby's dad's sister are here. Rumor has it Jimmy might be leaving Job Corps and moving home as well....

Salinda and Sadie each bought new used cars today -- paid cash -- and we are looking forward to spending Easter with as many kids that show up and maybe some friends.

Life is still good....

Loving our church and our friends -- loving my job at Bethany -- challenging and rewarding -- enjoying having Gabby excited to see me when I get home...

It's still challenging (john is out of jail and not able to live here, Mike had a car accident -- but they don't like to be mentioned in the blog).

The new baby to be born in June and Bart and I will be sharing doing day care in their home one day a week starting in September.

I have not read a blog in weeks.... I feel totally out of the loop -- and I seldom even have time for Facebook.... but it's all good.

I miss directly placing kids and I really miss matching and Adopt America... but as I said, I'm loving Bethany.

How is everyone doing out there?

Refresh 2013 ..... Wow.....

I know I haven't blogged much but wanted to at least talk a bit about REFRESH 2013.... before I get back on a plane and return to the real world. Bart and I have been here since Friday afternoon and it has been a great weekend.

Having been to many many conferences, I must confess to never leaving another conference with a stronger feeling that for Christians who have adopted, this is a MUST ATTEND event. No other place that I've found provides post-adoption support, encouragement, and faith-building like REFRESH. The huge team of people at Overlake Christian Church works together to pull off such a great event, with so many additional touches, that it takes the conference to a new level. And if you are a professional or adoptive parent who has struggled with not being able to talk about your faith openly in the adoption world, this even is for you.

We gathered with 550 people for an amazing time of worship, learning, sharing, crying, and getting to know people who shared our passion. Here are a few of my own takeaways from the event:

1) God, as Father to the fatherless, is already in the adoption and adoption care business. Those of us who are doing this hard stuff are joining in something that is in God's heart. God is passionate about caring for the orphan.... and so anything that I do doesn't make me having to worry if He is going to be with me, or if it is a good idea. It's been his heartbeat for hundreds of years. While nobody spoke about this at the conference directly, I put that all together and then it started to make sense why God is continuing to do such great things at Bethany.

2) If the church is the bride of Christ, then does that make the church mother to the motherless? I realize this is a fairly gender-bound statement, but I like the concept. No matter how you explain it, it is the church who is God is calling to care for the orphan. Robert Galinas did an excellent job of explaining this.

3) God is in the business of transforming our lives through our children and we don't need to be ashamed when we aren't perfect parents. Lisa Qualls and her son Isaiah powerfully communicated this truth as did many others.

4) Taking time to be with God and others who have been down this path and share our faith is so important. It is so incredibly energizing to spend time with people who share my passion -- and as you know, my passion is intense and runs deep. But it is nothing compared to folks like Andrew and Michele Schneidler and Johnston Moore, to just name a couple of people whose passion impresses me. Talk about being refueled -- just being in the same room does that for me.

5) I was able to share at the conference in the two break out sessions -- Even When the Healing Doesn't Come" and "Anger and Arguing: How to Avoid Both to Parent with Humor." The people in my sessions were engaged and honest... it was so cool. My takeaway from sharing my story is that God has given me the wonderful privilege through all my mistakes of being able to teach people what not to do. :-)

I could go on and talk about others who were there and other things I learned, but there are other projects calling out to me... so I just want to say this...

Come next year. If you are a Christian and you have adopted, put February 28-March 1 2014 on your calendar. The conference fee is very reasonable, so your trip to Seattle and hotel is what you need to save for.... but if you get them at the right time tickets to Seattle aren't bad -- ours were $230 a piece or something crazy from Minneapolis.

I know I've encouraged my blog readers to come to a bunch of stuff in the past, but if you're a Christian and you care about orphan care THIS is the one conference you just can't miss.

Who wants to come next year?

(And no, nobody paid me to write this. Although maybe I will go back and charge someone. (Just kidding)

It's a BOY!

Finally the unbloggable news is bloggable! Kyle and Christy, our one married son and his wife, are having a baby. We've known since the end of October, but they were waiting a while to tell everyone just to be on the safe side. Then she kept forgetting to send me a picture and .... well... I haven't exactly been blogging a lot lately. But today was the ultrasound and he's a boy... due June 22nd.

It's nice not to have to worry about anything. Kyle has always wanted to fit in and be like everyone else and he did things in perfect order. Got a job at 14, involved in high school doing what he was supposed to do, graduated 51 out of 100, went to a Christian University, got a degree in four years, meeting Christy his senior year, got a teaching job right out of college, waited a year for Christy to graduate, got married.... waited for her to get a full time job, then built a house, bought a puppy and now... BABY TIME!

So fun to celebrate and not be concerned about things like insurance, and unemployment, and preparedness, etc. like the first three.

We love all our grandkids and this one will be no exception. But it feels good to just be able to relax and enjoy the process this time.

SOS Families providing free childcare -- February 16th

Have special needs kids but want to go out to dinner? Bring them to our church and our new SOS Families ministry will provide free day care. We are looking forward to providing this service to parents, but we are anticipating it will fill up fast.

So if you are interested, get your stuff turned in....

Details here ---

Abiding might just mean being fully in the present

That didn't go so well. On both accounts. First of all, my resolution to blog every day lasted all of 2 days.

And I guess me stating that I was made of rubber just jinxed me becuase I was in tears on Thursday... and Friday... and Saturday... and Sunday. For some reason Tony pushes me to a place I don't even know how I get to... some irrational spot that I hate being in. And yet I follow him there every day it seems.

On Monday I left and came to Philly where I have been in meetings with my fellow branch directors of my "region", a group of very amazing people let by an even more amazing guy who never reads my blog so this can't be considered brown nosing. It was a great couple days.

Right now I'm sitting in my hotel, finishing up the last bites of a room service Philly steak sandwich. My plans are to relax and go to sleep as early as possible because I have to be up and downstairs by 4:40 to fly back and head straight in to work.

I tried turning on the TV. Oh my goodness is that just the most boring boring boring thing ever -- it's depressing and annoying. All those channels and nothing that sounds good at all.

So I'll work a little longer and then maybe watch something on my Ipad or play a few cell phone games, maybe checkout Facebook.

Bart is in Orlando so I'm waiting to at least say hi to him and try to get to 8 p.m. before attempting sleep. I know, i'm old.

Missing my kids, my husband, my friends but have learned over the years how to enjoy alone times when I have them.

One of the biggest insights I have had this past couple days comes from a devotional the boss shared with us yesterday about abiding in Jesus. And I realized something that to me was profound.

I have lived most of my life with my head being in a different place than my body. Always looking ahead or behind, or to some place other than where I was, I wasn't really enjoying the present. But I realized yesterday that God is here -- in the now. He lives with us where we are at. He wants us to be where we are, to take it all in and enjoy it, and to celebrate it with Him. If we want to abide in Him, we need to be where we are.... be fully present, because that's where God is.

Maybe that's a better resolution than the blogging thing since that didn't go so well.

I'm made out of rubber....

Remember that thing we used to say?

I'm made out of rubber, you're made out of glue -- what you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

I was thinking this week that half of that is true. I have been through SO MANY rounds of being lied to, manipulated, stolen from, cussed out, threatened, etc. that it barely makes an impact. I picture myself being made out of rubber and the arrows flying at me and them just bouncing off and lying on the ground.

However, the thought of my kids being made out of glue and things sticking to them just doesn't make sense. . . at all.

SO, back to the first part of the saying. This week my youngest daughter felt the need to lie to me. It's been a while since it happened ... probably more because of a nack of necessity on her part to do so, but nonetheless....

We went around the block again. I pointed out that I thought we were beyond her needing to lie to me. She texted, "we are beyond this." I texted, "we can't be if you did it 15 hours ago. Don't argue with me. You violated my trust." She texted, "I didn't violate your trust...." ad infinitum until I finally just text, "you don't know what it feels like becuase I have NEVER lied to you. Let's stop talking about this."

On top of this violation I've been lied to by her brothers, I've been cussed out daily for years, etc. etc. etc. and it all bores me.

In reflecting on this whole thing I realized how little I cared. I know that is sad to say, but I just really don't have it in me anymore to care that much about being mistreated. I'm used to it. And it honestly seldom bothers me any more.

What do you guys think? Is that a bad or a good thing?