This morning I confess to feeling quite resentful. Setting boundaries with our adult children is such a very hard thing. And their assumptions that we are the place where there are interest free loans that really won't be paid back are getting on my last nerve. Three of our adult kids in the last 3 weeks have needed money for something and while being gracious seems like the right thing to do sometimes, after a while I start to get really frustrated.
I know what I should do. I should cut them all off and let them sink or swim. But when there are grandkids involved, it gets to be a bit different. And when the economy doesn't even have jobs for grown men with college degrees, expecting my felons to find steady work is a bit tricky.
And yet it is there decisions that got them where they are. In fact, it is doing the exact opposite of what I recommended that got them to the tough spot they are in.
I hate wrestling with these questions because I used to have such wonderful answers in my own head about how this was going to work. But each situation is different.
I think I'm going to have to develop a contract for one kid in particular about what the expectations are for them and what the limits are to what we will do.
the whole thing is quite ironic actually, because we spent their childhoods teaching them that they had to earn everything and now that they are adults they don't believe they do. Weird.
Can you tell I"m sick of battling this issue? And it's not even like I need advice. I already know what we should do... it's just doing it that's hard.
3 comments:
I am sorry. Once grandchildren are involved, how to keep them safe without enabling your child becomes really hard. After my oldest son had his second child, I told him I would no longer give him money unless he had a vasectomy (which I paid the surgeon directly). Most people I knew thought I was crazy, but it gave me piece of mind and ensured he was trying to do the possible- take care of ONE baby. He was angry for a long time, but now thinks it was the best thing I ever did for him. This was part of my solution- I guess what I am saying is sometimes you need to think outside the box with these not-really-adult-kids. {{{hugs}}}
I know how you feel. We had to ask one adult child (with husband and daughter) to move out of our rental because they never paid a dime! It was a hard decision, but one we felt we had to do. Of course, now we are the bad guys. Go figure!
We have learned that there is a fine line between helping and enabling. Such a hard thing for a parent (and grandparent!) to come to terms with! Hang in there! We'll just keep praying for each other.
You know they say Resentment is a cup of poison I drink hoping the other person will die. In other words only you are hurting. Guilt fades but Resentment can kill
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