Resentful anyone?

Apparently this has been a theme of this blog.  When I did a search through the history of the blog it came up with many hits.  Too many. 

I thought that maybe going through and reading those posts and listening to my own lectures and sermons might make me feel less resentful, but to be honest, it didn't.  It just made me crabbier because I realized that the same things I was dealing with 10 years ago are still problems.  Adult children borrowing money and not paying it back.  Adult children unable to hold down a job.  Adult children driving my car and going places I didn't authorize or doing things they aren't supposed to in it (the smell of weed is such a trauma trigger!).    Things like this were making me angry ten years ago and while some of the adults from that scenario are replaced by adults that were in middle and high school then, it's the same stuff that makes me crazy.

We struggle to pay bills and when they get paid they have money for things I would never buy.

Like I old one of my sons a few weeks back:  When you were 10 and you acted like this I was 37.  I had plenty of energy to argue through things with you, try to solve things, and attempt to give you some wisdom to follow.  When you acted like this when you were 20 it was frustrating.  I was 47 and I had way less energy to deal with your mind games and manipulation.  Now you're 30 and I am 57 and I just don't have it in me.  I can't do it.

I am sure that there are those of would say, "you don't have to let them live with you."  And yes, that is true.  But unless you know the guilt of making someone you love homeless who really can't make it on their own, then you don't know exactly where we are coming from.  It's easier said than done.

So even though 20 years ago and 10 years ago I bounced back easier and pushed forward with more determination, I am struggling to figure out what a 57 year old does with all the manipulation and lies.  My conclusion has been to spend time alone, not talk much, and try to not ask questions.

It's hard for people to lie to you if you don't ask them questions.

I fear this is going to be a daily battle for me.   It has been for twenty years, but maybe I wasn't being very rational when I assumed that some day I would get over it.  I figured by now I would be more mature I guess.

So, for those of you who came here for answers and not just to hear me whine, I quote myself from a post in November of 2010.

Sometimes resentment can fuel us into holding a firm line. But when our kids are confused and hurting, grace kicks in. And then it gets all muddled up.

If i can let the resentment go, if I can stop asking how it makes me feel, and start to focus on them and how I can help them, they have such messes that I can't even sort them out.

The problem is that once I put forth a bunch of energy to figure out how to help, they often change their minds and head off in a direction different than one I can recommend.

Today I wrote another chapter of my book (which may explain why I am not blogging as much). I decided that maybe I should start sharing a snippet of the book in my blog posts so that I can at least give you something to read....

So here is a quick segment from the chapter called "Tell Yourself the Truth" In fact, in writing that chapter I've decided to expand that topic for my next book. I am finding writing pretty fun lately.

It’s not about me. I have had to remind myself of this every day as a parent, wife, and friend. The moment that I begin to focus on myself and why things aren’t going my way is the moment things start to unravel. Feelings like irritation, frustration, annoyance, bitterness and resentment begin to trickle in and they slowly poison me until my heart starts to harden.  

I am not advocating a mindset that says that I am not worth any of my own attention or that taking care of myself is not important. But I am saying that recognizing that it isn’t all about me keeps my head on straight.  

Most of us put others first naturally as a result of our love for them. We might give a piggy back ride to a toddler even if our back hurts, or a ride to a teenager even though we have a deadline on a project. We cook meals when we have upset stomachs and don’t feel like eating. We attend band concerts of 7th graders whose instruments are screeching with errors and smile and clap even though on the inside (which we would never confess to anyone) we are bored senseless after the third number and the music is giving us a headache. This is just what we do because we love our kids.


But when we begin to focus on ourselves life becomes an incredible burden. When we begin to perform acts of love from another part of us they become acts of duty or acts of fear (if I don’t do this, will my family leave me). At this turning point, when what we do stops being about our love for others, and we start to dwell on our own needs, we start to lose our ability to cope.

If your focus is a bit off today, it’s easy to realign it. Remind yourself that love is selfless. It’s not about you. Love is about giving without expecting to receive in return. C.S. Lewis taught that we should not wait until we felt like loving before we began to act lovingly, because the loving acts would bring about loving feelings. Try it sometime and see if it doesn’t turn things around.

And in case you were wondering, yes, I did publish that book, and yes there are some under my bed in storage right now if you want one :-)

Have a great weekend!