Remember that thing we used to say?
I'm made out of rubber, you're made out of glue -- what you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
I was thinking this week that half of that is true. I have been through SO MANY rounds of being lied to, manipulated, stolen from, cussed out, threatened, etc. that it barely makes an impact. I picture myself being made out of rubber and the arrows flying at me and them just bouncing off and lying on the ground.
However, the thought of my kids being made out of glue and things sticking to them just doesn't make sense. . . at all.
SO, back to the first part of the saying. This week my youngest daughter felt the need to lie to me. It's been a while since it happened ... probably more because of a nack of necessity on her part to do so, but nonetheless....
We went around the block again. I pointed out that I thought we were beyond her needing to lie to me. She texted, "we are beyond this." I texted, "we can't be if you did it 15 hours ago. Don't argue with me. You violated my trust." She texted, "I didn't violate your trust...." ad infinitum until I finally just text, "you don't know what it feels like becuase I have NEVER lied to you. Let's stop talking about this."
On top of this violation I've been lied to by her brothers, I've been cussed out daily for years, etc. etc. etc. and it all bores me.
In reflecting on this whole thing I realized how little I cared. I know that is sad to say, but I just really don't have it in me anymore to care that much about being mistreated. I'm used to it. And it honestly seldom bothers me any more.
What do you guys think? Is that a bad or a good thing?
8 comments:
I totally agree! Having been through the same thing so many times I guess we get "harden" to it. We love our kids but don't love the things they choose to do wrong. Praying for you..
Debbie
I think it's a necessary thing...but I'm still telling myself this. I need to let this stuff bounce off me and give them the love they need, regardless of what they have 'done' to me.
I think in a way its good not to care too much. Sometimes I let people put me through the emotional wringer when they are being unhealthy. I realize that person gets a kind of payoff for their behavior. Seems to me you are simply saying, "This particular poor choice is not going to be my problem." I am still learning to do this in my life.
Well, I wouldn't say that it's a good thing necessarily, it's more of a coping mechanism than anything. Being lied to, verbally abused and physically threatened are all unacceptable. I think you should just state the obvious to them (unfortunately not obvious to them) and then close the conversation. As in, "You have violated my trust by lying to me once again. I will not be as quick to believe you next time" and then walk away, hang up, etc. Don't respond if they tell you they didn't do it. Don't respond to the stick poking behaviors that may follow. I think they NEED us to disagree with them, argue with them - in their minds it justifies the original behavior. You may be bored with the repeated behaviors, but I don't think we should let them think we're so bored it doesn't matter. We don't win, but they shouldn't believe they have either.
I think it's a coping mechanism as someone else pointed out. When my husband was deployed, my oldest was the one who always gave me a hard time. In trouble at both home and school.In the beginning I would become emotionally upset and drained and I let him consume my thoughts. I would beat myself up over things, thinking that I was the cause of bad behavior.
Eventually I put that wall up of ''I don't care'' I dealt with him when he got into trouble, but I left it there, I didn't go to bed with it and I didn't wake up to it, and I stopped worrying!
I think it's a coping mechanism as someone else pointed out. When my husband was deployed, my oldest was the one who always gave me a hard time. In trouble at both home and school.In the beginning I would become emotionally upset and drained and I let him consume my thoughts. I would beat myself up over things, thinking that I was the cause of bad behavior.
Eventually I put that wall up of ''I don't care'' I dealt with him when he got into trouble, but I left it there, I didn't go to bed with it and I didn't wake up to it, and I stopped worrying!
I'm not sure I believe that you don't care. ;-) I'm pretty sure you take the lying as a symptom that your daughter still has a ways to go in her healing and her growing up, and I know that you care about her and want what's best for her.
The fact that your blood pressure didn't rise, that your chest didn't tighten, that you didn't imagine her horrendous future prospects as a result of lying - all those things don't mean you don't care.
I do think you're less reactive to such situations, and perhaps you've dealt with some of your own PTSD, and I think those are VERY good things.
But then, maybe I'm just projecting my own feelings on to you! :-)
Kathleen
Honestly, I hope to get to that point. It's sooo hard for me not to confront and not to ask why they are doing these things etc. I still listen to the long story that goes with the lies. Less from my son than my daughter. If he opens his mouth it's a lie so I am used to it. (I guess?)
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