Friday, May 15, 2015

What if they don't?

If you used to read my blog 5-10 years ago you would have heard the day to day dumpings of my over-filled brain in multiple posts a day.  Even now going back and reading it brings back some of those same emotions and the anger and frustration that accompanied me day to day during the darkest period of our lives.

But right now I'm at a different place.   Back then I was grappling with a consistent need to fix things and I repeated in my head-- "They WILL heal.  They WILL get better.  They WILL change."   But then we came to a point that I had to ask myself the question, "What if they don't?"

And in several cases, they didn't.  They got worse.   So here I am, my last child with special needs 2 weeks from graduation (hoping and praying it will happen) and only one more child in school.  Our kids, as you know, are now 16-28.   We have 5 grandchildren, one that was born to married parents.  And I think I can answer that question for you ... at least from my perspective.

If they don't heal, get better, or change and if things don't get immediately better but actually get worse before they get better, this will happen:

1)  You will continue to love them and whoever they are connected to.   You will find the strength to keep loving them.

2)  You will forgive more easily and more quickly each time.  You will find it in your heart to have the grace you need when you need it to keep on forgiving . . . way beyond 70 times 7.

3)  You will stop getting sucked in every time.   You will get to the point that you realize that kids, especially teenagers, argue for sport... and that you don't have to take the bait every time.

4)  You will stop worrying so much.  Everything you worry about will happen and you will make it through all that stuff you worried and the result will be realizing that you DO have the resiliency and the strength to deal with whatever comes your way.

5)  You will get tired and start budgeting your emotional energy.  You'll realize that getting all worked up takes way too much energy and so you will choose not to go there whenever possible.

I know some of that sounds a bit cynical, but that wasn't my intention.  My intention was to give you a "light at the end of the tunnel" boost.   But my message is ... hang in there.  If they heal, if they change, if they get better -- that's awesome.  But if they don't, you're still going to be fine.

Older.  Tireder.  Wiser.  Stronger.  But fine.


Deborah said...

I can so relate to this post with many of our children...

Tubaville said...

I consider my daughter a success at age 20 and she in all reality has only gotten worse. Why a success? Because she loves us and considers us her family unequivocally. That's really all I want in my heart. And that is success.

Miriam said...

Yes. Thank you. My "tough" kid just moved back home...hopefully age 20. College wasn't for him at this point. Your words are truth and a balm to my soul.

Marie said...

Wonderful insight.

LightningToMyHeart said...

THank you for this. I'm the mom of two grown biological children. Years ago I was a foster parent, and lately I've been thinking of fostering-to-adopt either teens or a larger sibling group. However, what keeps echoing through my head is, "What if I take on trauma too big to help? What if I'm too old to do this now? What if, what if, what if...?" I'm single now, and while I have a strong support group, there's the moments of doubt. This,and your blog overall, is very helpful.

process said...

Great post, Claudia. Good to see you're posting again.