Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Emotional Overload

I am taking a break at this moment from cleaning out the drawers of the big desk in my office. I won't be posting a link to this blog post on Facebook because I don't want the powers that be to be annoyed that I am blogging on work time.

Wow. I'm an emotional nightmare! I just have to say it, this transition stuff is HARD WORK. All the other times we have moved it has been the bishops fault. Now, suddenly, it is my fault. It is my fault that my children are homeless and that I am taking their father away from them (even though they all have places to live at a price they can afford). It is my fault that my grandchildren won't live near their grandfather. It is my fault that my office has to transition and that my superiors at Bethany have to replace me. It's my fault that our church is losing their beloved (by most) pastor. I'm the reason for all this chaos and all this pain.

And so nobody really cares to listen to my woes... thus, here I am blogging. But I get whey they don't want to listen to my sadness... because I CHOSE this. I get what I get.

And actually, the waves of emotion come and go. I'm not on emotional overload 24/7. Just probably 17/24/7. I do sleep.

I do need to say here thought that I have had one hell of a good ride (OK, heck) here in Minnesota. I have had so much fun. Going through my desk and cleaning it out has made me smile with recollections of such good times.

I found the snake that was in my bottom drawer when I came to work my first day. I found the nun that I got as a gag gift at a Christmas party. I found the picture of me and Grandma Bethany -- if you don't know that story you should ask me sometime. I found little snippets of things that made me smile with remembrance.

And I found some remembrances of some less than fun times. When you work with people there are always times when you wish for a do-over. But life doesn't allow for that.

I remember as a teenager deciding what was important in life: Loving God, Loving People, and bringing the two together. So whereas again I am on emotional overload, I am confident that over the past three years I have tried my best to do those things.

My children could use some prayer. Each in their own way are grieving. Each are reliving abandonment issues. With the combination of FASD, RAD, Anxiety, Depression and low IQs we have amongst them, some of them aren't doing well and of course, it is all dumped on me.

Last Week I read this article. Be Glad Your Kids Throw Up on You I need to keep reminding myself of this every day. If you haven't read it you should. I wish I had been able to incorporate this into my lifestyle years ago. It would have helped me and even more so my children.

So in the myriad of positive and negative emotions that this transition has caused, I am still very grateful to live a life that takes chances.....

My theme song for this move has been the Toby Mac Song "Way Beyond Me." Here are they lyrics to part of it:

Anything that I got the strength to do
In over my head keeps me countin' on You
I'm leaving the sweet spot, sure shot
Tradin' it all for the plans You got
Is it so crazy to believe

That You gave me the stars put them out of my reach
Called me to waters a little too deep
Oh, I've never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
Yeah, it's out of my league
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond me
It's way beyond …

You take me to the place where I know I need You
Straight to the depths that I can't handle on my own
And the Lord I know, I know I need You
So take me to Your great …
Take me to Your great unknown

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