On Wednesday Salinda and I had an argument via phone and text. I was attempting to lead her through a conversation that basically said that she couldn't continue take and not give back if she expected to live here. Half way through the conversation she hung up on me. If she would have listened to the rest of what i was going to say -- in fact, there were compliments a few seconds down the road, she might have been able to understand what I was saying. But she wasn't open to that. She then asked for my permission to do something that at this point in time could be quite risky for all kinds of people and would not listen to any of the reasons behind it.
Last night she texted that she was going to stop by to pick up a couple things. I thanked her for letting me know and told her I loved her. She asked me if I wanted to see Gabby. I said of course.
Our interchange was simple enough. I told her I loved her. I told her I was sorry she felt like she couldn't discuss things with me and that I would be here whenever she was ready. I spent a bit of time with Gabby, hugged them both, and let them go.
Salinda will be 18 2 months and 9 days. She doesn't have my permission to be where she is. She doesn't ask for it. Her absence might last a week ... it might last years. But I had come to the conclusion this week that there was nothing more I could do. I have spent the past 4 years doing all I can to help her make good choices, but the bottom line is that she doesn't value me or us or our opinions at this point. She has made her own choices and they have led her into some really hard times. But instead of coming to us for guidance she has run away from us.
I have found that we have several kids who stop talking to us when they aren't interested in hearing about truth or reality. When they want to live in a world of fantasy where they ignore the law or the guidelines of counties, or whatever it might be, they don't want to be around us because we will remind them of what is true.
And so I feel like I've done everything I can do. Of course I am sad that she is choosing to make the choices she is, but I believe I have done way more than most people would having been treated the way I have.
Sorry for being vague, but there are way too many players in this game now who could read the blog that I can't articulate everything.
It's not about love. It's about realizing how much of a 17 year old's choices parents can control and knowing when to give myself a break emotionally from the burden of it all.
Each person is different in their approaches to things. Maybe you are reading this and thinking "I would handle this SO much differently." I would hope so. I've been far from perfect.
But at this point I can tell you there's nothing more that I, me, the person I am right now, can do.
7 comments:
I am sorry. It is so hard when grandbabies are involved. {{{{Hugs}}}}
There is one more thing you can (try to) do- Preserve and Nurture Yourself so that there is something left when you can be involved again. (By the way, I'm telling that to myself too).
Just wanted to let you know that we made the same decision with Calsey when she was 17. She had been thru basic training and we decided that if the Army thought she was an adult then it was time we let go and let her make her own choices. She hasn't made the best choices but I keep the communication open, don't judge her and let her initiate. It's tough to know that she chose her bio family over us but this story is not over yet. We will be here for her when she has no where else to go. I think you're doing the right thing.
When there is nothing more that we can do... we can pray as they have to walk their walks.
As my oldest adoptive son wisely told me when one of the youngers ventured into his walkabout ... we have to walk the walk on our own, we often walk back into the confortableness of our traumatic lives. In time those words that we spoke come into wisdom and those lessons help us integrate all the parts of our lives together.
They walk into their independence, and we pray for their maturity and safety. We have done all that we can, we tell them we love them.
Hugs Claudia. So often the things you share here mirror my own family. Even in your struggles you encourage me to do a better job with my now 18 year old boy. Next time you come to Washington I'd love to meet you for coffee. I'm right up by the border but would love to drive to Seattle or ? to chat with you.
I have now told each of my adult adopted kids that although they are adults, I am Mom, and sometimes I feel like I need to say something to them. We all know they don't have to do what I say or what I would do, but I do request that they at least listen to me (or give a good appearance of doing so). I want some apparente respect. By the same token, I need to not lecture, and I need to give them both respect and space. AND I let them know I'll love them and be here for them whether they follow my advice or not. (doesn't mean I'll save 'em from their own consequences...)
That has seemed to work pretty well for us. They know I'm not going to escalate it into something bigger, they know they're truly free to make their own choices, and usually, they will even listen. At least for a little while.
It took us a while to get there, though.
Kathleen
This is soooo tough! I have been through this more than once. Sometimes things turned to the right direction eventually and I was filled with joy and relief. Sometimes they didn't and that was immeasurably painful. The hardest thing for me to learn as a parent and as a foster parent is to recognize the limits of my influence. Blessings and peace to you and yours as you struggle with that same challenge.
Gail Underwood Parker
www.upbeatsanddownbeats.blogspot.com
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