If GOd calls you to adopt then no matter how difficult your kids you will have peace that you did the right thing. Adoption is about the kids not the adult. I'm blessed that I have 5 young kids, none with severe behavior issues. I have friends with bio kids who are more challenging. Bottomline adoption often means you will lose all your normal friends, but I have found many crazy adoptive parents to fill that gap. Yes it's frustrating because being an adoptive/ foster parent is one of the most thankless positions in life. The caseworkers judge and invade, the kids hate and destroy. But you know then there are the caseworkers who totally appreciate you. The kids who do really want to succeed in life and just need someone to guide them. The kids who will tell you they think you are the greatest mom or grow up to be mini mes. :) I can't explain it, but no matter how frustrated and exhausted I get, I kKnow I wouldnt trade them for the world!
I have been trying to craft a response and keep hitting delete. I think it is important to look at what your expectations are very closely. It is way more than just giving a home to a child who wants or needs one. Kids who have experienced trauma take time to heal. They show their trauma in lots of different ways and some of the ways you mention can be part of it. Nor are they necessarily brimming with gratitude at what you are offering. Think of what they have been through and you will understand that gratitude and many other gentler emotions have to be learned. Too often the harsh and hurtful are all they have experienced. However not all kids who have suffered trauma will smear poop or hurt pets. None of mine happen to fall into that category. I have a child who can remember his mother forgetting he was outside when he was 2. She locked the house and left him in the back yard and was gone. To this day a locked door is a trigger for him. Did he kick the heck out of my door once when I was upstairs and didn't hear him? Oh yeah, but it wasn't trying to damage. It was fear. I have a child who was hungry. A lot. Who will occasionally revert to sneaking food or hoarding despite the fact that there is plenty of food available always. I have a child who will lie when asked a question if he thinks he is in trouble. Because physical abuse happened in his past. I have a child who was born mildly drug exposed. I have a child who was born significantly drug exposed. I have a child who has been diagnosed on the autistic spectrum. I have a child who will go out of his way to help the elderly. Who loves pets. I have a child who is a gifted musician. I have a child who has a smile that lights up the room and my heart. I have a child who rages. I have a child who dances up to me when I come home and hugs me tightly. I have a child who remembers every single thing I have ever given her . I have a child who breaks almost everything you give him. I have a child who will give you anything he has if he thinks you need it. It may surprise you to know that some of those statements both positive and negative are about the same child. It is the magic of the complexity of the human spirit. I better hit publish or I'll hit delete again!
From the way the SW talked there are no smiles, the kids want to go home to their BP and intend to make you pay for it. He said they won't ever be good students or even middle of the road students. He really said that they do need adoptive families technically but then again they don't because the foster families adopt almost all the kids and what they need is basically someone to take the extremely handicapped (in one way or another) or violent kids. And if you aren't looking for one of these uncontrolable cases then adoption isn't for you. I don't see that giving anyone half a chance to have "a kid who smiles" I could take some rough times if it came with at least SOME good times, but from our meeting and reading online it seems very unlikely that there would ever be any good and I really don't see how that can possibly be anymore beneficial for the child than just staying in the foster home where they are at... especially with a 96% chance they will adopt them anyway. Im not understanding how just adding one MORE person for the kid to hate to the list is going to benefit them.
I often say that "Adoption is for Adulthood." The qualitative difference between good foster parents and good adoptive parents might not be that different. But after a kid turns 18 having a family that is committed to them for the rest of their lives is much different than having nobody.
Having someone to see you graduate from college if you make it there... or to walk you down the aisle when you get married ... or to be grandparents to your children.... THOSE are the things that make foster care different from adoption.
I didn't think there was much of a difference really I mean if you foster a kid and they age out... if the child still wanted to be in contact with you wouldn't you do that? If you raised a child to 18 I didn't think as a foster parent you just said hit the road and get out of my life. It just sort of seemed logical that those would be "your" kids minus the official paperwork either way if no one else came to adopt them. THat you wouldn't just toss them out on the world without an emotional support.
Now if THAT were true -- that every kid who aged out of foster care had someone committed to them -- then we wouldn't have statistics that indicate that 75% of the kids who age out of foster care end up incarcerated, dead or in prison in 10 years.
The very lucky ones have adults committed to them. Most of them have nobody -- except possibly a social worker.
If you are planning to be the kind of foster parent who would claim a kid for the rest of their life even after you stopped getting paid to take care of them, then foster parents like you are needed for sure!
I can tell you that in my work I see aged out f. kids all the time and they absolutely DON'T have support systems of people who care. I think the knowledge that they were in many cases only cared for so that someone got a check has to be incredibly painful. I know personally of a number of cases where the day a f. kid turned 18 their things were packed and left by the door. Why? Because if they stayed a new foster child could not be put in that home. How ready were any of us to navigate the world at 18 without anyone to bounce ideas off of.
I know two of my 5 grieve deeply for their birth families. I understand that. It doesn't mean that we don't have a relationship too. It can be and has been, rocky sometimes. It isn't always what I dreamed about it being. But it is a relationship and there is love between us. Sometimes I think it was like planting a seed in soil less than fertile. The plant took longer to root and was fragile for a long time, but it is there and thriving. It sounds like the sw you spoke with was almost too zealous in presenting the negatives to think about. If I thought about EVERY negative thing that could happen I think i would be paralyzed by fear and do nothing. Life would be kind of sad and empty then. I wonder if there is some kind of mentoring program or big sister type program that you could be part of so that you could see that in many ways these troubled kids are still also just kids?
7 comments:
If GOd calls you to adopt then no matter how difficult your kids you will have peace that you did the right thing. Adoption is about the kids not the adult. I'm blessed that I have 5 young kids, none with severe behavior issues. I have friends with bio kids who are more challenging.
Bottomline adoption often means you will lose all your normal friends, but I have found many crazy adoptive parents to fill that gap.
Yes it's frustrating because being an adoptive/ foster parent is one of the most thankless positions in life. The caseworkers judge and invade, the kids hate and destroy. But you know then there are the caseworkers who totally appreciate you. The kids who do really want to succeed in life and just need someone to guide them. The kids who will tell you they think you are the greatest mom or grow up to be mini mes. :)
I can't explain it, but no matter how frustrated and exhausted I get, I kKnow I wouldnt trade them for the world!
I have been trying to craft a response and keep hitting delete. I think it is important to look at what your expectations are very closely. It is way more than just giving a home to a child who wants or needs one. Kids who have experienced trauma take time to heal. They show their trauma in lots of different ways and some of the ways you mention can be part of it. Nor are they necessarily brimming with gratitude at what you are offering. Think of what they have been through and you will understand that gratitude and many other gentler emotions have to be learned. Too often the harsh and hurtful are all they have experienced. However not all kids who have suffered trauma will smear poop or hurt pets. None of mine happen to fall into that category. I have a child who can remember his mother forgetting he was outside when he was 2. She locked the house and left him in the back yard and was gone. To this day a locked door is a trigger for him. Did he kick the heck out of my door once when I was upstairs and didn't hear him? Oh yeah, but it wasn't trying to damage. It was fear. I have a child who was hungry. A lot. Who will occasionally revert to sneaking food or hoarding despite the fact that there is plenty of food available always. I have a child who will lie when asked a question if he thinks he is in trouble. Because physical abuse happened in his past. I have a child who was born mildly drug exposed. I have a child who was born significantly drug exposed. I have a child who has been diagnosed on the autistic spectrum. I have a child who will go out of his way to help the elderly. Who loves pets. I have a child who is a gifted musician. I have a child who has a smile that lights up the room and my heart. I have a child who rages. I have a child who dances up to me when I come home and hugs me tightly. I have a child who remembers every single thing I have ever given her . I have a child who breaks almost everything you give him. I have a child who will give you anything he has if he thinks you need it. It may surprise you to know that some of those statements both positive and negative are about the same child. It is the magic of the complexity of the human spirit. I better hit publish or I'll hit delete again!
From the way the SW talked there are no smiles, the kids want to go home to their BP and intend to make you pay for it. He said they won't ever be good students or even middle of the road students. He really said that they do need adoptive families technically but then again they don't because the foster families adopt almost all the kids and what they need is basically someone to take the extremely handicapped (in one way or another) or violent kids. And if you aren't looking for one of these uncontrolable cases then adoption isn't for you. I don't see that giving anyone half a chance to have "a kid who smiles" I could take some rough times if it came with at least SOME good times, but from our meeting and reading online it seems very unlikely that there would ever be any good and I really don't see how that can possibly be anymore beneficial for the child than just staying in the foster home where they are at... especially with a 96% chance they will adopt them anyway. Im not understanding how just adding one MORE person for the kid to hate to the list is going to benefit them.
I often say that "Adoption is for Adulthood." The qualitative difference between good foster parents and good adoptive parents might not be that different. But after a kid turns 18 having a family that is committed to them for the rest of their lives is much different than having nobody.
Having someone to see you graduate from college if you make it there... or to walk you down the aisle when you get married ... or to be grandparents to your children.... THOSE are the things that make foster care different from adoption.
I didn't think there was much of a difference really I mean if you foster a kid and they age out... if the child still wanted to be in contact with you wouldn't you do that? If you raised a child to 18 I didn't think as a foster parent you just said hit the road and get out of my life. It just sort of seemed logical that those would be "your" kids minus the official paperwork either way if no one else came to adopt them. THat you wouldn't just toss them out on the world without an emotional support.
Now if THAT were true -- that every kid who aged out of foster care had someone committed to them -- then we wouldn't have statistics that indicate that 75% of the kids who age out of foster care end up incarcerated, dead or in prison in 10 years.
The very lucky ones have adults committed to them. Most of them have nobody -- except possibly a social worker.
If you are planning to be the kind of foster parent who would claim a kid for the rest of their life even after you stopped getting paid to take care of them, then foster parents like you are needed for sure!
I can tell you that in my work I see aged out f. kids all the time and they absolutely DON'T have support systems of people who care. I think the knowledge that they were in many cases only cared for so that someone got a check has to be incredibly painful. I know personally of a number of cases where the day a f. kid turned 18 their things were packed and left by the door. Why? Because if they stayed a new foster child could not be put in that home. How ready were any of us to navigate the world at 18 without anyone to bounce ideas off of.
I know two of my 5 grieve deeply for their birth families. I understand that. It doesn't mean that we don't have a relationship too. It can be and has been, rocky sometimes. It isn't always what I dreamed about it being. But it is a relationship and there is love between us. Sometimes I think it was like planting a seed in soil less than fertile. The plant took longer to root and was fragile for a long time, but it is there and thriving. It sounds like the sw you spoke with was almost too zealous in presenting the negatives to think about. If I thought about EVERY negative thing that could happen I think i would be paralyzed by fear and do nothing. Life would be kind of sad and empty then. I wonder if there is some kind of mentoring program or big sister type program that you could be part of so that you could see that in many ways these troubled kids are still also just kids?
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