Moving into a Land with Too Many Choices

I woke up this morning and had a hard time getting out of bed. I used to pop out on Saturdays so excited about the one day a week where I could do something different than work. But today I don't get to work at one of my jobs. And there is a cap on the hours that I can work for the other and so.....

What the heck am I going to do with all my time????

sigh.

I realized today that our family system is used to me working almost all the time. They are used to me being at the computer -- even if it is on my lap in the same room as they are -- about 14-15 hours a day. And so my role has been to make money. That's what I do. But now I have limited capacity to do that and I'm really feeling a bit lost.

Now I know that I could just dive into other stuff at the computer -- more writing -- more online marketing of books and speaking -- that sort of thing, but for some reason I am feeling compelled to spend more time doing the things that I felt I "should" be doing over the past several years -- more housecleaning (which I hate) more down time with the kids (which they don't know how to handle now, because it's not my role).

SO over the past few days I have attempted to get back involved in a family system where my role was to be a bit distant and it isn't going well. The kids seem to only want to push my buttons and see if they can make me angry. Bart's not sure what to do with me when suddenly I'm showing up in places and situations where I used to be non-existent. And I'm not sure where to fit in.

So while I'm looking for another job maybe I'm safest to just stay put. Maybe it's easiest for me just to remain where they are used to me being. I wrote a book last month to enter into a writing contest. If it doesn't win we'll publish it. I'm working on a second book.

It's not like I don't have plenty to keep me busy in front of the computer. It seems to be working for us. Maybe the "if it's broke don't fix it" idea is best here.

Maybe all the things I thought I should be doing, I really don't need to be doing. But these thoughts rolling around in my head are most likely going to make me nuts.

However, I have found one thing that I know for sure that I like doing that I didn't used to have time to do. Hold this baby. And so that is definitely something I'm going to add to my agenda. Last night he sat in front of the fire with me, arms on my chest tickling my neck, snuggled in the crook of my arm.. and it was pretty close to heaven.

So I think I"ll make a habit of that.

I know I"ll come out of this funk I'm in. I always do. But readjusting things after they have been pretty consistent for three or four years wont' be easy. Unless I don't readjust.