Tuesday, January 14, 2020

On being a Fixer when Things are UnFixable

I am a fixer.  It's the way I am wired.  I'm the one that people have called on for most of my life to tackle the hard things and make them right.  Most of the time I don't mind.... because most of the time I can help someone find a way out of a difficult situation.  I have multiple ideas and plans and suggestions and typically one of them works.

Except when situations are unfixable and as my adult children (some not all) live with the consequences of their choices their road gets more and more difficult.  When mental health issues are complex and the resources simply non-existent.... when relationships are complex with the "other side" of the family when grandkid's parents aren't together .... when the criminal "justice" system make it virtually impossible for someone to come out the other side of a mistake... those are things that even with all my resources I can't fix.

And it's hard.  I go back and forth from trying to help and getting blamed for it, to trying to stay out of it and worrying.   I get pulled into things I have no desire to be involved in and I get left out of things that I would have had a good solution for.  I give an opinion that is actually followed and if things don't turn out well, I'm to blame.  Or give advice that is ignored but I am still the emotional dumping ground when things go downhill.

I would love to hear answers from anyone who has them of how to reconcile all this because I think I'm stuck.

And I'm not having fun.


QueenB said...

I agree with your comments on the criminal justice system. It really is set up for the person to succeed only if they never committed the infraction in the first place. Which is essentially the point; don't do the crime if you can't do the time. But when the time is over, there are no solutions to the requirements and regulations that are put in place, and they have no choice but to reoffend, and thus the cycle is repeated. The truth is, these things are unfixable. You, like me, can say that we gave them all the information and tools they needed to avoid the pitfalls and traps, and the eventual outcome, yet they either in their youthful foolishness, or their dysfunctional brain processing, happily skipped down the path of ruin. I have two two point messages I deliver to my children all the time 1) Learn the meaning of the word NO and follow it. 2) Keep your hands to yourself. If you fail to learn and follow these you will have only 2 options in life: 1) The graveyard 2) The prison cell. So, can you fix it? Maybe you are not meant to. But, we do pray without ceasing.

Marci said...

I just got off the phone with my 26-year-old daughter who is now residing in prison for the next several months. At least we are not visiting her in a graveyard. She also has a newborn daughter who lives with daddy until she gets out. The heartbreak is real. She was such a joy to raise...smart, funny and a bright future. One day she decided to travel down a dark road and here we are. The pain is bone-deep but I keep reminding myself we WILL get through this!