A few weeks ago a reader commented that she would like to hear my thoughts on FASD and middle school. Maybe one of the reasons that I haven't responded is that the whole topic makes me sigh.
We found out with Mike that middle school was the "beginning of the end" for him in regards to academics. Life was hard enough for his him when he had the same teacher in the same room for most of the day. Teachers in Elementary School tend to provide a lot more guidance and communicate more with parents. But in Middle School the thinking shifts to one where it is "time for students to start taking responsibility for their own school work."
In addition to that shift, there are now 5 or 6 or 7 teachers in that many classrooms in a new building. Homework is different for each class assigned by different person with different expectations. All of this becomes much more overwhelming for kids with FASD.
In addition, now there are many social expectations that make kids stand out as being very different than their peers. While the child may not notice this as much, the peers (and we as parents) do. We feel our child's pain, even when they don't always feel it themselves.
Fortunately for Mike in one sense, after attempting to struggle through Middle School and High School, was in residential placements and did very well in school there academically. One classroom, one teacher, no distractions of wild decorations on the walls, tons of structure.... he was able to maintain As and Bs in those settings. However, he is very bitter about his adolescence "you guys had me locked up for all of high school!" He never can remember that it was his choices (or his inability to make good ones) that got him there and kept him there.
Middle school is difficult for any kid. But for a kid with FASD, it is even more of a challenge. Certainly working with school personnel to set up an effective IEP and communicating with them closely will help, but it's going to be difficult at best.
Does anyone else have any suggestions or know of resources to point folks to? I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job of answering this question. i mean, "Oh yeah, it's gonna really stink" isn't a great answer. ;-)
3 comments:
We ended up pulling our kids (now 13, 14, 15) out of school and home schooling this year. I had an IEP for one (who was held back twice in younger years), held the other two back a year (in younger grades as well) and communicated DAILY with all teachers. I know they did all they could (?) reasonably do, but my kids were just going down academically and socially. The principal even told me one day that he had 5 families that had threatened to change schools if my kids didn't straighten up. There were only 13 kids in the 6th grade class at the time (charter school) so this was considerable. We went from parochial school (small) to public school (to get more services - never materialized) to the charter school (small classes/free) and nothing worked. My main gripe was that as middle-schoolers, they were truly expected to take more responsibility for themselves getting to class on time, doing the work independently, behaving....and my kids were emotionally much younger (FASD at it's finest). Only one truly has an FASD dx, the other two are bio-sibs who are affected more subtly, but affected nonetheless. No matter what measures we took, they kept finding a way around them. Socially, the oldest at the time desperately wanted to fit in and would do ANYTHING to make that happen. She didn't know WHY she was doing and saying the things she was, just that the kids liked her better when she did. Yet, she wasn't liked well enough to be included in anything, just teased and tormented. Now, being home schooled, people are telling me that I'm just delaying the inevitable (jail, teen pregnancy, etc.) and I say, OKAY - WORKS FOR ME!!! That's my job right now - to delay the inevitable - to keep my 15 yo and 13 yo girls safe from predators, to keep my 14 yo juvenile delinquent-in-training out of the juvenile justice system. I may not be able to do this conventionally, but it's still up to me to do it. I know that the "help" out there is inadequate at best and even to get the best help around here is to settle for mediocre while relinquishing control of your parental rights to someone who will never know or understand my child as well as I do right now. I wish I had more answers too. I just read something that said to parent a child with the combination of FASD/RAD is basically to just raise them and keep them safe until they up and leave you for greener pastures. I'm starting to believe that.
Thank you Claudia for your response. I do realize their is no good answer, but I am compelled to ask, as I fear for my child's future. Last night I was able to hear Robert O'Connor speak about transracial adoption. Afterwards I asked him about the middle and high school years for an FASD kid. One great idea is to make sure our child has a "go to" person in school who will not be a punisher....like perhaps the social worker. Since our child is sure to be in trouble with the teachers and principals, at least he will have one person to listen to him and guide him, that person will not be a threat. I am going to find and contact that person this school so we are set to roll in September.
If your readers don't know who Robert O'Connor is they should find out. He went from being a state ward to being the state ward administrator. He is great perspective. He is African-American and was adopted by white parents. His website is www.transracialadoptiontraining.com
Claudia, thank you for sharing the realities of raising these tough children. I have grieved the loss of the child I thought I was adopting. I have learned that lots of love is not going to change these kids, and we have to remember that the outcomes of alcohol related brain damage is not their fault, but it is not our fault either.
Thanks Claudia.
Our daughter always has a go-to person that she is comfortable with for times when she is emotionally having a hard day or any other reason. This person is aware of all of her "issues". I try to keep in contact with that person often to keep ontop of what is going on, but we still have lots of drama, etc. I agree, Robert O'Conner is a great resource. Excellent presenter.
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