Hitting Bottom

This morning I think I hit bottom. At least I hope I did. Because if the bottom is ahead then I am not sure how I will handle it. I would go through the whole story, requiring me to relive it all, but let me just give you some highlights (if you can call them highlights).

* 9:00 p.m. (last night): Argument with Salinda resulting in her intense anger and me shaking;

*9:15 p.m. Dominyk refused to take his pills, resulting in more anger from him.

*9:30 p.m. Bart and I try to go to bed early. We get interrupted every 4-6 minutes for at least a half hour.

10:00 p.m. Apparently there is water in the basement and a fuse is blown downstairs. I instruct the kdis to go to bed because they don't need lights to sleep. They do not.

10:15 p.m. I redirect the children who are still running around the house talking in loud voices with flashlights, but it doesn't work.

10:30 p.m. I go back out to attempt to redirect Tony, who is not responding to my attempts to redirct and instead screams cursewords at me.

11:00 p.m. I fall into a fitful sleep.

4:30 a.m. I wake up, but decide not to go to the YMCA because I need the sleep.

6:00 a.m. I get up, because I never did fall back asleep and now I am angry that I didn't go to the Y and wasted that 90 minutes.

6:10 a.m. I take a shower in the dark.

6:25 a.m. I try to fix the fuse box, which I cannot.

6:30 a.m. I get into an argument with my husband because I am so crabby he cannot stand to be around me when I am so crabby, which is due to sleep deprivation.

6:45 a.m. I call Mike and Kari, sing a few words of a song, and I ask Mike can come look at the fuse box.

7:00 a.m. I wake up Salinda who refuses to go to school. I warn her that I will call her P.O. if she doesn't go and she will be truant.

7:05 a.m. I leave the house and drive aimlessly until Mike calls to say he is coming over to fix the fuse.

7:20 a.m. I meet Mike at the house and we try to figure out the electricity problem.

7:30 a.m. Salinda yells at me again.

7:32 a.m. Tony reports that Salinda has left the house stealing Bart's keys. I yell out the door that if she has them, I may call law enforcement.

7:40 a.m. Mike find the problem and the electricity is back on.

7:45 a.m. I reset the internet, talk to Bart some more, and leave the house. I drive around a while, stopping to answer Salinda's angry texts where she denies having the keys.

8:00 a.m. I head to Dunn Brotheres but am so emotionally unstable that I'm not sure I can even be in front of people. I stay in the car for a while.

8:45 a.m I enter Dunn Brothers, emotionally exhausted and completely spent and begin to blog.

9:30 a.m. My meeting person gets here and I have to stop blogging. :-)

10:45 a.m. I come back to finish off the blog.

I guess the reason I blog today is that I think that there are a lot of us who get to this point periodically. I am emotionally spent, exhausted and don't feel well. I don't know how I can face the rest of the day especially knowing that I will have to deal with a very angry Salinda. I think I need to sleep for a long time, but since our school district has more reasons not to have school than any district I've ever seen, I have 7 kids at home. Sleeping might not be possible.

I am tempted not to blog on days like this. Days when there isn't a lot of hope on the horizon. But sometimes, sharing it with those who have been here and know how this feels helps. And then, if I blog everything, I can go back and read my own words, for example, things like hope is birds singing in the cold darkness and remind myself that everything is going to be OK.