I know that there are probably many of you who are wondering why Salinda is always heading to a friends house. So I figured I better clarify. One very well meaning friend used the word "spoiled" to describe her. So I figured if she thinks that way, then many of my readers probably do.
So let me attempt to explain.
The "friends house" is also her babysitting job, and the parents leave very early in the morning, so on nights when she is working the next day she often spends the night. Her trip this past weekend was allowed because she had an orthodontist appointment 3.5 hours from here and the family was going there anyway. So several time when I put that she is heading to a friends, I should really put that she is heading to her babysitting job. In addition, this is a family that has many positive things in common with her birth family without a lot of the negatives. And right now she is really struggling with the transracial adoption piece of her life.
A second clarification as to why we don't "Ground her" when she breaks rules. Well, first of all, we do ground her. However, lately I have been grounding her by debt payoff instead of by days. The reason for this is that she owes us money that she needs to work off. If I ground her for a week, she will go into a mode of silent protest and do nothing. She will sulk and spew venom on everyone, and be rude, and do nothing just to show me I shouldn't ground her. However, if I ground her by debt then she decides when she will get it done and how long she'll be grounded. She often pays it off quickly, which to me is more important than forcing her to stay here.
She has owed us money for so long I can't remember and it always makes her angry that she does. And she takes out that anger on me. So I am very motivated to make her get that debt paid off.
In addition, in order to have this job and spend so much time with this other family, she has a list of responsibilities that she has to fulfill. If she chooses not to fulfill them, she will no longer be able to keep the babysitting job.
Finally, what does grounding do? What does keeping her here against her will serve other than to punish us? She has been grounded 15-20 times in the past year and it has never made a difference in her behavior. Nothing changes. If grounding is supposed to be a behavior modification technique, then it isn't working with her.
Grounding her damages the other children. Sometimes, we have learned with a couple of our other children, the needs of the many have to outweigh the needs of one. Without her here much, Sadie has blossomed this summer, becoming a whole new person. She is able to stand up against Salinda when she is home (something she's never been able to do) and has spent so much time bonding with Bart and I that it is amazing.
Dominyk and Tony are much more relaxed and calm. They are our most troubled children anyway and are her targets. When she is angry and I'm not available, they get the brunt of her anger.
The rest of the kids feel more safe and calm not having to wonder what mood she will be in from moment or how her anger might suddenly break forth. They are allowed to live without extreme criticism for simply existing. They don't miss her.
Now, I better clarify that. If Salinda would give herself permission to be herself here, the fun, polite, engaging person that she is around her friends, everyone would love to have her home. The kids enjoy her when she is like that. But she has not allowed any of us to see that side of her at home in over a year. At home we get angry, sullen, and mean 90% of the time.
Now, obviously, this post has gotten a little out of hand and I'm really starting to get in touch with my inner feelings about this issue, so hold on to your hats, here we go.
Salinda has completely shut us out of her life for now. Bart and I are not going to get inside. I have spent countless hours over the last two years trying everything I can think of to build a relationship of trust with her. She has stubbornly determined that it will not happen. We have a therapist. She refuses to speak to her. it is court ordered that she go, but every court report lists that she is uncooperative in therapy.
But does anyone for a second think that no matter how much she drives me nuts that my heart is not breaking because I am not the person who can reach my little girl? Does anyone realize that I am a person who prides her self on always being able to figure out how to do what needs to be done, and in this situation I simply cannot do it? Do people think that I am doing anything less than coming up with the best possible solutions I can?
And do I wonder sometimes if I was the right mother to parent this child? Of course I do. But if I dwell on the fact that maybe she would have been happier somewhere else it is not going to do a bit of good. Because she is my daughter whether or not she lets me be her mother.
And so I will do the best I can to survive these years and I will love her no matter what. I have had to admit to myself that I cannot be the answer in this situation because she has determined that I am not. I can keep being consistent, keep loving her, but she is not going to take my words to heart.
So I'm having to trust God to put people in her life who can reach her. Because it's not going to be me. And that has been a very hard conclusion to come to.
Sorry for this whole explosion, but the way that I parent Salinda has been the most highly criticized topic in my blog. It may be because I'm more open about it and everyone would be more critical of other things too if I blogged more about them, I don't know.
But my paranoia and defensiveness is a result of the fact that I feel more like a failure with this child than any other, and it breaks my heart.
I am not asking you to give me more ideas. Even though I'm sure you have some. I have tried almost everything there is out there... everything that professionals have suggested, everything you've suggested, and right now I'm just in a survival mode -- holding period -- hoping and praying that other people in her life can reach her and that we can make it through the summer with our family at peace and her as happy as possible. Buying time until she matures a little more is the only thing that is working so far. And her therapist is in total agreement with the way I am handling things right now, and she probably knows the story better than anyone.
Sorry for completely flipping out here. Should I just go back and delete this post?
9 comments:
'Nuff said. Point taken! My advice to you: Treat yourself VERY SPECIAL and CARE about your self. As you have stated, she could not care less. Care MORE about yourself and make sure you are meeting your own needs. I know you love her; love YOURSELF enough to treat yourself very special. It sounds like you do not fit the fantasy ideal she has for a mother, and you are apt never to. So, love yourself enough to give yourself whatever you need this day and maybe she'll learn to love herself too, and those who love her. Blessings to you today.
Claudia, you don't need to defend yourself in your own blog. This is your safe haven. "Speak" what you need to speak.
Most of us know that LOVE isn't enough! And who are we to criticize?
One day at a time...
One of the boys my sister had guardianship of is often invited to friends houses and he has lots of them and always behaves there. Here he can be sullen, angry, and abusive at the drop of a hat...and he'll be turning just 10 tomorrow. It's fine with us if he visits friends frequently since he does better with more to do and turns into a rage machine if he has to stay home too much. Why deny him the opportunity to be in a place where he chooses to control his temper? My sister tries to come up with alternate consequences that do not keep him from positive friends. You are right that keeping such a child home against their will is a painful punishment for everyone else.
Don't you dare delete this one. You have spoken for me. Is every kid a "one size fits all" or "one method of parenting will work"? I am always learning from your blogs, especially your Salinda blogs because I have a clone here in my home. I know people think the same thing of me. Take care of yourself, please.
I agree. Don't delete. I feel judged by people because of how we parent our 5 year old (only with us for less than 1 1/2 years at this point). Questioned about why would I want more if he's so hard to handle, etc. Judged because he's so sweet around others... You know the drill. He attempts to make my life miserable. However, I do take queenb's advice and treat myself how I want to be treated.
Angela :-)
Claudia,
Thank you for writing from your heart. I don't think that many of us reading your blog would question your dedication to any of your children, and that means that we know you do anything you can think of to help them and to build your relationships with them. Including Salinda! Thanks for sharing.
I also think, on an abstract level, that if one of the "tasks" of adolescence is figuring out what kind of adult one wants to be, then it is important for teens to spend time with responsible adults who are not their parents. It gives them a chance to find positive role models even as they go through the stress of sorting through the parts of their parents' role modeling that they will accept and the parts they will not (which usually is expressed as rejection). I did this when I was a teen and so did most teens I knew. For me it was my piano teacher and her family. It sounds, in short, to me as if you are doing exactly the right thing.
"...Because she is my daughter whether or not she lets me be her mother. And so I will do the best I can to survive these years and I will love her no matter what. I have had to admit to myself that I cannot be the answer in this situation because she has determined that I am not. I can keep being consistent, keep loving her, but she is not going to take my words to heart."
Claudia,
Please don't delete this post. I've been going through a horrible time with my 18 year old and I've been at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at a loss. But these three sentences pegged exactly how I'm feeling. Perfectly. Thank you for baring your heart.
Marlene
im glad you wrote this, i do find myself "judging" some things you say/do about salinda during this period in your lives (obviously a couple years ago now, im stopping myself from jumping ahead to present day but i do know that salinda had your grand daughter a year and a half from the time im reading these posts) and i just want to say its not at all offensive to us blog readers when you stand up and defend how you parent(ed) salinda during these difficult years. without knowing you in person, and only through this blog as i read it from start to current day, i would never expect you to do anything less than your best for all your children and it isnt mine or anyone else's place to judge what that "best" is, for/from you or for salinda. i think youre amazing :)
(i still wonder if its silly for me to comment on blog posts from 2 years ago lol)
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