What Is the Point?

Twelve years ago when we started out this journey we had certain ideas of how it would turn out. They were, of course, naive ones -- we were going to take in the poor, sad foster children, fill them so full of love that they could not contain it, teach them right from wrong, be good role models to them, and they would soak it up like a sponge. They would be grateful for all that we did for them and within months, or maybe in extreme cases, a couple years, they would be just like other kids, whole and healed.

Fast forward twelve years. Twelve years of difficult parenting. Twelve years of being threatened, cussed at, lied to, stolen from, manipulated, and physically hurt. Twelve years of psych hospitals, police stations, psychiatrist offices, court rooms, therapists offices, child protective services investigations, and visits with school principals. Twelve years of tears, frustration, long arguments and conversations, and emotional pain.

(Now let me point out that that is the bad side. There are many good things I could be writing, but all of the things above apply and are helping me lead somewhere. Just wanted you to realize that I do see many positives as well. In addition, i am going to point out some of the negatives in our kids -- but that does NOT mean they aren't positives. again leading to a point.)

Twelve years later and what do we have: an oldest child who though he will graduate from college soon, may very well choose, once he is no longer receiving our financial support. to move on and not speak to us for months at a time. He is a taker -- and when he has taken all he can he may move on.

We have a 19 year old son who is finishing his first year of college but who cannot find a job, spends hours doing absolutely nothing, and has poor hygiene.

We have another 19 year old son who has 15 different legal situations he is involved in in the first year of adulthood, including seven felony charges. He is sitting in the county jail awaiting a trial that we have to testify at (because he stole our car).

We have a 17 year old son who is locked up in a juvenile detention facility because there is a lack of a better place for him as he is in county custody. He is refusing to take medication that helps him control aggression as he is convinced he doesn't need it.

We have a 16 year old son whose high grade is a D+. He has been stealing cash from every setting imaginable. He doesn't have friends among his peers and bumbles along socially.

We have a 15 year old daughter who is on probation and facing court hearings for several small legal charges. She has many marginal friends and is having major struggles with identity.

And I am not going to continue because you're getting the picture. Some of the younger kids are doing better, but they haven't hit the age yet where things have historically turned negative for our kids. And some of them are very difficult to parent.

So we didn't end up where we dreamed. Not only did the kids not get better after a few years, but most of them got worse the older they got.

As a person who likes to see results, I ask myself "what's the point?"

And then I remind myself that all I can control are the things I can control. I can control whether or not I do the right thing. I can control whether or not I do things with the right motivation. I can control how much I choose to love them. I can control what I give, how I respond, who I am.

But what I cannot control is how they respond to what I give. That is their choice (if, considering their histories, IQs, mental illness, organic brain damage, etc.) they actually can choose.

And the point is that each day I do what I am called to do, that I do the right things. That I love unselfishly and unconditionally, that I respond with patience and kindness under pressure, that I give all I can give, that I be the best person I can be.

And then I let go of my need for an appropriate response. I stop expecting that they will give in return, be grateful, give back. I realize that in this case, it's about me -- and what I do.

Easier said than done, as you can see in Cindy's blog. When you give as much as we do, to receive anger and hatred in return is mind-boggling and sometimes blood-boiling.

But all that I can control is me and so today I will continue to give knowing that the results may not be what I hope, but also knowing that I cannot control those results. All I can control is me. And maybe, just maybe, the changes that have occurred in me are why God asked me to do this anyway.

But I still hold out hope that someday, we'll see that it had something to do with them as well.