Sometimes I can't let something go and it eats me alive. It's not like I choose the thing to drive me crazy, it just happens. Something is there and I can't let it go.
Like the $40 that was taken on Sunday. Wednesday night Wilson showed up with a $20. He lied about where he got it. I knew that. I suspected that another person might have taken it and given it to him and that he, in turn, had given it to Wilson asking him not to tell. After several outbursts on the part of the person he blamed, he confessed that he did it. But I'm still not sure. Plus he said he took the $20 out of the car and only had $20. That would mean either that someone else has the $40 or that he is lying to cover someone.
The problem is that I can't shut up. I want the truth and I keep interrogating, really agitating those who didn't do it and probably, unfortunately, providing joy to the conscienceless person who took it. John was one of the suspects and he had a major breakdown last night about how hard it is to live in place where he isn't trusted. I tried to explain that 2 months of supposedly non-stealing behavior does not gain trust back that took him years and years to lose.
The sad thing is that I know him well enough to know that even his tears last night could be a manipulative ploy that would cause me to not blame him any more and free him up to steal. Or, I could be wrong and I could be blaming someone who is really innocent.
But the thing that is driving me crazy is that I JUST DON'T KNOW. Other people have gotten involved in talking about this (people in our family) and I really have no idea who took the money. I may never know.
And so I have to shut up and let it go. Except that my mind won't let it. What if John is completely innocent and I have been blaming him consistently, hoping he'll slip up and confess when he really didn't do it? Or, even worse, what if Wilson did confess because of fear of John and I allowed that to happen? How much of this is on my shoulders either way?
If John was had a normal attachment to us, I would just figure -- OK, I'll let it go and he can suffer living with the guilt of manipulating his brother to lie if that is the case. But he won't suffer a bit.
I can't believe I"m pouring this all out here -- but I hate not knowing and I hate it that I can't let it go.
I think my conclusion has to be to shut up and let it go and just be more careful to lock things up. But I hate living like that and we had a gone a long time without it happening again.
Now, if I were to give you an idea of what it is like to live in my head, I could go through all this again about 30 times, and fill up pages of the blog with what if it is so and so and they did such and such, or if it is this kid, that would be horrible, but I suppose it could be, etc, etc, etc. It would be quite boring and disturbing to you.
And then you would know about what has been in the back of my mind when I am trying to work and trying to sleep since Sunday night. Again and again trying to figure it out, but never arriving at an answer I'm satisfied with and always tempted to go try again.
But instead of doing that to you who have reached the end of this long painful entry, I'm simply going to go on with my day and thank you for listening.