I am a fixer. That's what I do. I figure out how to get things done and get them done well. It's all I do. I go through life making a plan. It's all about a plan.
This morning, for the second time in 3 days, my daughter couldn't get herself up for work. On Saturday my whole day was set off by the aftermath of me finally intervening at 7 and waking her up just to be told that I woke her up late.
So I made the point of describing in detail how I would not be waking her up this morning UNLESS she asked. She refused to ask me, and then overslept again. I was fine with her getting natural consequences until she blamed me once again. She then threatened to tell the people at my favorite coffee shop that she was late because I didn't wake her up. You should have seen her eyes when I started to get out of the car -- barefoot, in pajamas, and with my hair flying everywhere -- to go in and set them straight. I didn't do it, but she knew I would have no shame in doing so and so she backed down fairly quickly at that point.
The only thing I needed to do this morning was nothing. I just needed to calmly let her lose her job. But that was so very hard for me. When she finally got up this morning, all I had to do was keep my mouth shut, take her to work, and let her get the consequences naturally without messing up our relationship, but I couldn't do it. I had to say something.
Right now John's girlfriend has lost her job. John is living with her Dad, something I hoped wouldn't happen if we wouldn't let him return here, but of course, that's the easy way out. Her dad is getting tired of the "few days" that have turned into over a month. And of course, I want to get all involved in that mess that those two have created for themselves because we had such a lovely time at my parents this week, but I really just need to back out and shut up.
In parenting my kids as they head into adulthood, I know that the main thing I need to do is step back, stay out of it, and shut up. It's the only task I have sometimes, because I have a few kids who cannot learn any way but the hard way...
But that is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Stay out and shut up. No matter how many times I've practiced it, I still can't get it right because.... well you know why.... because I love them so much!
Look at the picture above and imagine yourself not intervening so they can learn.
Sigh.
1 comment:
Hmmmm....I cannot close my mouth either. I think it's because I already do so much to help them succeed and then they just blame me for everything from the weather to the national debt. When my daughter was job hunting last winter I overheard her telling a potential employer (Burger King) on the phone that the reason she had no personal references was because her mom insisted on home schooling her so she didn't know anyone. OMG!!! I was furious! Sure, she'd been in public, parochial and charter schools for almost her entire school career (and yet, even without me there interfering with all of THOSE relationships, she couldn't use any of those people as references) and yes, even when going to the home school co-op she alienated ALL the other mom's with her antics, it was ALL because I chose to home school her (as a LAST resort) that she was unable to comply with his request for personal references. Even when I pointed out these obvious facts to her, she just stared at me like I didn't understand anything. THEN I told her the hours I was more than willing to transport her to work (6am-7pm M-F) and that she'd have to arrange other forms of transportation if she was ever scheduled beyond those parameters. It seemed reasonable to me since I have been transporting kids to work for 10 years and found I needed to be real specific about not wanting to pick people up at midnight any more BEFORE she got the job. So, the reason she never got calls for interviews was because her availability was so limited because of ME. It must be exhausting having mom's like us :)
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