Last night she and a few of the other coffees came over to watch a movie which turned into a game instead and her husband fixing our lawnmower.... but anyway, StarBUCK and Kari and I ended up talking about what has happened with blogging. Since I have started to become more positive and have been revealing less negative drama about my kids (I am trying to protect their privacy more as they get involved with others in their lives -- gfs and bfs and their families, birth families, etc.) I find that my readership has gone down.
LT wrote some tough words in a recent post that Kari linked to, and I get what she is saying. The adoptive parent blogging world is often so negative that it's no wonder people have no desire to adopt older kids.
I feel almost guilty for reporting that I'm handling all this OK -- that I can still look back and recognize that God's been with us and we're going to make it. I feel like people are going to criticize me and say "Well, if you had MY Kid you wouldn't feel so positive."
Why is it that we are so determined that it is our job to warn people that their lives are going to suck (Sorry, Mom, glad you don't have a computer). I LOVED this post from Becky this morning -- I've never read her blog before this morning -- but I want HER attitude to last throughout the lives of each of my kids.
I have to be be honest with myself and admit that when I read it I was cynical and had to stop myself from wanting to warn her that it might not turn out like she's hoping. I made myself realize that I want to have some of that hope back.
I have brothers who didn't turn out the way my parents expected them to and they are 44 and 46. And every day my mom wakes up and prays, believing, that they will begin to make different choices. Some days her prayers are answered in the ways that she thinks they should be, and some of them aren't, but she has always believed that God isn't through with them.
Do you remember this moment in my history when God gave our family a song for Dominyk?
It now has a great slide show on YouTube...
I want to be realistic when I blog. I want to write from my heart. But I also want to remember that there's hope.
Thoughts?
9 comments:
Hi Claudia. And hi Kari if you're reading. :)
I don't read many adoption blogs anymore. I just found that the underlying sadness, grief, trauma, etc. was too much for me to wade through in order for me to see the blessings in my life. Kinda like clearing the sticky fingerprints off the mirror before you can see the beauty staring back at you. 'Cause you know, all women are beautiful! And so are all the kids that we love so very much!
Anyways--you all do so much for the adoption world!! But I've found, for me, stepping away and finding myself has ceased so many of the troubles in my life from taking over my emotions. Does that make sense??
God's blessings in all you do.
~Dinah
PS: You can find me here now: http://definingdinah.blogspot.com/.
Not that you care, lol, but hey, thought I'd share.
I JUST started blogging again. Seriously, I stepped totally away for almost 6 months.
I feel the same way. It's gotten to the point of being so negative at times that I have to stop reading. I get that people need to vent occasionally, but lately it seems there really is a trend...almost a witch hunt...and it seems to be targeted right at blaming our kids for ruining our lives. I'm SO not ok with that! What happened to our kids isn't their fault. They didn't ask for it. They didn't choose it. And honestly, I'm not sure I fully buy into the notion that some kids "can, but just don't want to" get better. It's a two way street. We, however, DID choose to take the risk of parenting hurt kids when we adopted them. It's now up to us to find a way to embrace it AS our life. Not the life the kids ruined, but the life that is because of OUR OWN choices. Very often that means being willing to grieve what was, what isn't, and what my never be over and over and over again.
I'm not saying that all kids can or will heal. Some may be so damaged that they can't. I'm not saying it is easy. I'm not saying that sometimes we have to make really hard choices when it comes to our kids. Sometimes embracing the life means doing all you can in your power to provide a safe place for your child to live outside the home. I get that!! It's blaming the kid with an illness...an illness they didn't ask for...for destroying their families and then going on a smear campaign against said child over the internet that is a problem. It ALWAYS takes two to tango!!
I also find it quite ironic, too. When we adopted just 4 years ago, no one was talking about this stuff AT ALL! We were completely blindsighted by the realities of parenting traumatized children, even though we'd read everything we could find! It seems the pendulum has swung almost to the other side now. Everyone is talking about it and many aren't using a lot of discretion or respecting their children's right to privacy...and way too many are losing hope and giving up as a result.
Thoughts? As Kari said, I do not want to be a trauma mom. I do get that there are folks out there who's lives are being ripped up by kids they thought they could help, with issues and actions they never in a million years dreamed ANY kid could think up or do, let alone a kiddo they were parenting. I have been there and still am there on many a day. But I do not want that to define who I am, or my mental health status be ruled by how totally, unbelievably ridiculous it is around here on a daily basis. I do not want to just survive this... I want to thrive and I want all my kids to thrive as well. Sure it is a FAR cry from "normal" families, but it is what it is and I do not want to come out of this time of my life bitter, angry and unhappy.
I realize there are lots of people who can say, "Yes but if you had my kids..." and that may be true. But what I have is MY kids and I would like to stay as happy as possible in the life God called us to. Maybe it will not wind up all wine and roses in the end, but I do not have to let that rule me today...
I reserve the right to total change my mind on everything I just typed ;)
This life can be so hard and I truly don't want to minimize anyone's pain. I meet with families all the time who have been through hell. There are no easy answers, but I have to hold on to hope. Otherwise, what am I saying to my child?
I hope we can all find ways to connect with other families and support each other without spreading more pain around. It had started to feel to me like the internet was spreading the pain.
~Kari
I wonder if maybe it is because of what Red says in the Shawshank Redemption, one of my favorite movies -- that happens to be on tonight. "Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane. It's got no use on the inside. You'd better get used to that idea."
It's almost like we feel like we are imprisoned by our situations and that we should stop other people from hoping.
I don't ever want to get to the point where I have absolutely no hope....
I find that it's good to see when others are going through difficult situations, but they are able to keep their eyes on God through the difficulties and keep an optimistic view most of the time. Not everything goes the way we want it to go, but encouragement to keep going through the storm really helps. If we think that adopting older kids is all sunshine and roses, we can feel really discouraged when it doesn't turn out that way. I love to hear how others handled situations so that I can learn from their triumphs and mistakes. On the other hand, all negative without the positive can drag us down, and that gets old fast. The trick is to view our situation in balance. Yes, it may be hard sometimes. But an even bigger yes, we aren't alone. Others have walked the same path, and God is here.
by the way... it is very affirming that some of you who have stopped reading most adoption blogs are still reading mine -- because maybe that means that mine has a good balance between offering reality and hope without getting depressingly negative.
The sharing of how Dominyks song came about is precious - in the midst of the turmoil God sends something that reaches us where we are and speaks.
I LOVE that song as it seems so true of my Lil Man as well. :-)
"I have to be be honest with myself and admit that when I read it I was cynical and had to stop myself from wanting to warn her that it might not turn out like she's hoping."
I so get that! No. It REALLY may end up being NOTHING like I plan! There is a high chance that this path could be painful and hard in ways that I would never imagine being capable of traversing for my child or myself. I may not be able to exact MY will for my Lil Mans life - and knowing that is painful - and scary if I let it be.
Ultimately though - he is Gods child, specifically given to me to help raise, work with, guide and love. All I need to do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and let Him hold our future - whatever it may look like.
Therein lies my hope.
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