Sunday, May 27, 2012

Compounded Anxiety...

Yesterday was a long and very busy day. I pushed myself through exhaustion with anxiety being my fuel. Not a good plan, I suppose, but not exactly one that I chose... just the way it was.

Mike gets out of prison a week from tomorrow. His baby is due in a little over 2 weeks. He has no place to live. We had agreed to let him come home for a month before we knew we were moving but there is no room -- space wise or emotionally -- for him to join us in the Cities. That's not to say that we won't be forced to agree to something like that eventually, so it isn't in stone, but I have spent many sleepless nights trying to figure it out. It isn't really just about Mike -- but it's about our family system and the anxiety of it and how he compounds it.

But his anxiety is off the charts. If I tell the story here he may be very angry with me -- but wait -- he's always pretty angry with me. The bottom line, if you've been following this, is that there is a young man in a maximum security prison who has PTSD and is not receiving the correct medication for his anxiety and who couldn't be transported to the minimum security facility because his sentence was 117 and it has to be 120 days to be moved. He ended up there because he failed to show up for some appointments.... he hadn't committed a new crime in over a year... but his PO got tired of it all and decided to just have him execute his time.

So... he has no place to live after June 11th, his baby is due on the 12th, and even though he is trying not to do so, he is blaming us for most everything. And that gets tiring.

So I was texting his girlfriend yesterday trying to figure out housing for him -- and then he called Bart later pouring out his anger... not fun. That situation has me in some kind of weird place...

In addition, Tony is flying alone for the first time on Tuesday and when he is anxious, LOOK OUT! His behaviors are worse than usual.

Mercedes seems to be handling things OK because she is focusing on her going away party with friends that she is having tonight.... we got a lot of her room packed yesterday....we'll see how tomorrow goes when she is tired from her party and trying to finish packing.

Salinda is here with Gabby -- they arrived late last night. I'm paying for gas so that they can be here to say goodbye to Sadie and Tony. Courtney and Issac should be coming to church -- again, me footing the gas bill. It's amazing what one will pay to see grandchildren. ;-)

Leon is handling things by spending every moment possible with his friends. He's never been a kid like that -- he's always spent the majority of his time at home, but I get how he wants to get as many hours in with them before he leaves... it's just not giving him much time to relax or connect with us.

Today is the church's going away party... and Bart's last Sunday. There will be many sad people -- he is an amazing preacher and a really good man. All of them haven't always been thrilled with him, but the majority will miss him and us. It will be difficult to say goodbye ... we have made many good friends.

So I'm heading to church a bit exhausted this morning.... ridden with anxiety and tired from a long week of travel and training followed by a day of trips to the land fill deposit area in the rain and cleaning and packing. It's not a good formula for emotional composure and so I will most likely cry a lot. I don't like to cry in front of people and I don't often do it -- but being this tired it's probably going to happen.

So there you have it -- my hodge podge of thoughts on a difficult morning.

My mom taught me a song when I was very very young that she sang to me often:

Make new friends
but keep the old...
one is silver
and the other gold.

Today we will be saying goodbye to many of the gold specks in our lives. They have become a part of the tapestry of who I am... each of them weaving themselves in and through me and enriching my very being. To say I will miss them and our life together in the context of community is an understatement.

I'm making myself cry already....


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