Friday, October 23, 2009

LIke a Dog with a Bone

Sometimes I can't let something go and it eats me alive. It's not like I choose the thing to drive me crazy, it just happens. Something is there and I can't let it go.

Like the $40 that was taken on Sunday. Wednesday night Wilson showed up with a $20. He lied about where he got it. I knew that. I suspected that another person might have taken it and given it to him and that he, in turn, had given it to Wilson asking him not to tell. After several outbursts on the part of the person he blamed, he confessed that he did it. But I'm still not sure. Plus he said he took the $20 out of the car and only had $20. That would mean either that someone else has the $40 or that he is lying to cover someone.

The problem is that I can't shut up. I want the truth and I keep interrogating, really agitating those who didn't do it and probably, unfortunately, providing joy to the conscienceless person who took it. John was one of the suspects and he had a major breakdown last night about how hard it is to live in place where he isn't trusted. I tried to explain that 2 months of supposedly non-stealing behavior does not gain trust back that took him years and years to lose.

The sad thing is that I know him well enough to know that even his tears last night could be a manipulative ploy that would cause me to not blame him any more and free him up to steal. Or, I could be wrong and I could be blaming someone who is really innocent.

But the thing that is driving me crazy is that I JUST DON'T KNOW. Other people have gotten involved in talking about this (people in our family) and I really have no idea who took the money. I may never know.

And so I have to shut up and let it go. Except that my mind won't let it. What if John is completely innocent and I have been blaming him consistently, hoping he'll slip up and confess when he really didn't do it? Or, even worse, what if Wilson did confess because of fear of John and I allowed that to happen? How much of this is on my shoulders either way?

If John was had a normal attachment to us, I would just figure -- OK, I'll let it go and he can suffer living with the guilt of manipulating his brother to lie if that is the case. But he won't suffer a bit.

I can't believe I"m pouring this all out here -- but I hate not knowing and I hate it that I can't let it go.

I think my conclusion has to be to shut up and let it go and just be more careful to lock things up. But I hate living like that and we had a gone a long time without it happening again.

Now, if I were to give you an idea of what it is like to live in my head, I could go through all this again about 30 times, and fill up pages of the blog with what if it is so and so and they did such and such, or if it is this kid, that would be horrible, but I suppose it could be, etc, etc, etc. It would be quite boring and disturbing to you.

And then you would know about what has been in the back of my mind when I am trying to work and trying to sleep since Sunday night. Again and again trying to figure it out, but never arriving at an answer I'm satisfied with and always tempted to go try again.

But instead of doing that to you who have reached the end of this long painful entry, I'm simply going to go on with my day and thank you for listening.


debbiem said...

if it is any comfort, and i doubt that, i would be equally as frustrated and unable to let it go. it is the principle of the thing.

Corey said...

You remember when Big Bird's friend Mr. Snuffleupagus used to be invisible? And then the producers of the show had to make him visible, because they didn't want to send kids the message that if you told a grown-up something, that they wouldn't believe you? There was a point in my parenting when I would *never* dream of telling a child that I didn't believe them. About anything! Now, I have one kid, that, frankly, if she's talking, she's lying. And the more vehemently she denies whatever is suggested, the easier it is to tell that she's lying.

(IMHO, Wilson didn't steal anything. He has a good attachment, wants to please you, and is a good boy. But, you know, I'm not there.. I wonder what would happen if you said to him, Wilson, I don't believe that you took the money. And then just waited him out.)

Karen said...

Hey Claudia,
Are you writing about your life, or mine? Welcome to the world of having multiple special needs adoptees in your house. I always think that the irony is that while we rack our brains over, "Who did it,"... the kids could seriously care less that we are in anguish. I vote that every adopted child comes with a full house security system!

Claudia said...

Corey -- I'd like to think that too -- but I'm thinking this might be what happened. John has always loved to create chaos. So he may have MOVED the money, but not stolen it. Because he loves drama. Or, he did take it, but then realized he was the prime suspect so put it somewhere else, giving Wilson a huge temptation when he saw it in the car.

In John's view, he can honestly say "I didn't take the money" but move it from the desk.

At least its a possibility. But Wilson seems quite remorseful and is willing to pay it back. He has never seemed afraid of John.... so .... the mystery lives on.