Sunday, January 01, 2012

Why does less and less control make me feel a need to be more and more controlling?

I've been going bonkers internally lately. I've always been a control freak, but as all the kids get older and older and my husband has a greater need for peace, it seems like I'm having less control by the minute. I don't know that there is anything wrong with me wanting to know who is in my home when, in begin able to enforce a "be in your rooms by a certain time at night" rule, etc. But lately it's nearly impossible. A couple of our kids are certainly immovable.

I wish that I could relax and simply let it be, but the less control I have the more controlling I become and internally I'm getting more anxious by the day.

I understand the "pick your battles" philosophy and I attempt to avoid that, and I write and talk about not trying to control the uncontrollable, so why can't I follow my own advice.



DynamicDuo said...

A part of me feels what you are feeling, I am working really hard on thinking - that in letting go of some of the control, I may be able to retain some of the relationship, so that our girls want me in their life, want my help etc.
I fear that if I continue to control they will perceive me as the enemy and I won't be able to help them manuver the obstacles that life throws at them....
Its hard, good God Almighty, It is hard letting go

Lisa said...

I've had several years of this. It wears you out and makes me angry that I feel so powerless. I found myself starting to tell certain kids something and then cutting myself off and saying, "oh, never mind, you didn't actually ASK me something - you've already made up your mind and are TELLING me your plans, right?". It helped me somewhat - yet made me resentful that not only were they not concerned with my opinion on anything - they were actively closing the discussion down before it could start. I HATE being out of control and when I see them failing after insisting on doing something I absolutely knew would be a bad idea, I want to just scream at them to LISTEN TO ME!! and their lives would be so much happier. Anyway, you may have to practice putting some emotional distance between yourself and certain kids because I guarantee that you are losing sleep over things they aren't giving a second thought to, and you are doing all the work.

Claudia said...

I think the key, as Dynamic Duo says, is letting it go. Harboring the anger and resentment about the fact that I am paying consequences for the choices that they made that I warned them not to make has really eaten me alive sometimes.

I'm trying to let it go, embrace today, and live with hope for tomorrow. Not easy.