Sunday, November 08, 2009

Resentment

I guess I'm feeling a bit better this morning. You've convinced me I should probably see a doctor, though I think maybe I'm just getting old and don't have the energy I once had and I keep packing way too much into my life and it wears me out. Plus I haven't been to the Y for a couple weeks.

One of the things that I think is most difficult about parenting children with mental health issues is keeping oneself free of resentment. There are so many things that frustrate me and aren't as I prefer and it can easily fester underneath my skin until I am carrying an undercurrent of anger that I have to force myself to let go.

These last few weeks it has been my "adult" children who are not working nor working very hard to get jobs. Having them here while I am overworked gets under my skin like nothing else. I think that you probably know that from recent posts.

This past week John kept saying over and over again how badly he needed to get a job. And then he rented 4 movies and watched them back to back. Last night he went and finally picked up 20 applications at the mall. He has spent the afternoon in front of the computer watching YouTubes.

Rand has literally (and you think I'm kidding but I'm not) filled out over 100 applications over the past 3 years that he never turns in. His goal is to LOOK like he is trying to get a job, not to get a job.

And then of course they will say whatever they think they need to say in order to fool me into thinking something different than the truth. As you can imagine, it doesn't work well with me and only escalates my frustration.

I am having to tell myself more each day things like "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out" as I monitor my own resentment.

I know that if I could let some of this go then I would feel better. I'm going to have to do just that....

3 comments:

k....mom said...

It's an 'end of the road, hit my wall' thing...but you might be forced into a decision of tough love. You might have to explain to your Adult roommate who is not carrying his share of the load that you aren't being a good parent by bailing him out and to be a good parent you need to have him leave the nest and he has 60 days to do it. For courage you might try to picture what his life would be like if you fell off the face of the earth tomorrow. Could he survive without you? Most (kids) Adults do. It's just easier to let you do for him than him do for him. Since I'm offering an unasked for opinion, feel free to... :) but there was something, a lightening, when I gave mine the whole 'not the mommy anymore' speech.

debbiem said...

claudia, i would be so frustrated and resentful also. mine are little yet, so the mindset is different, but i truly cannot imagine having grown children at home who are not productive. that could be the cause of your physical problems, also. i ended up with fibromyalgia when i was going through a very long, long stressful part of life several years ago. when we keep things inside, eventually our bodies just get sick of holding all that in!!! wish i had a magic answer for you. just thinking good thoughts your way!

Linda up north said...

I hope you have not blogged this morning because you are at the Dr ;)