Here is an example. Yesterday I timed Dominyk's meltdown. He has an obsession with pop that is uncontrollable for him. No matter how we try to manage it, it never seems to work. When we say no, you can't have another pop, he has a meltdown. They last a long time. If I can control myself, then eventually he quits. But sometimes I just can't take it any more and I have to remove him or myself from the situation, and that never goes well.
It goes the same way almost every time. He comes in and asks for a pop or money to buy a pop. I say no. He asks why. I explain it. Then he starts to sob and asks again. And again. And again. And again. If I respond, he asks why again. When I tell him he already knows why, he will sob "but why can't i have money for a pop. I want money for a pop." And it goes on and on and on. And then maybe he'll calm himself down. But then he decides to try again and asks me, "Mom, can I have money for a pop" and when I say no.... OK, I think you're getting the picture.
Yesterday the meltdown lasted 48 minutes. I controlled myself for the whole 48 minutes and he eventually calmed down. But it was a ton of emotional energy to do so.
And then again this morning I have to talk myself down from complete frustration about something relatively minor to one of the kids but major to me. I have to literally convince myself to stop thinking about it so that I can move on to other things. Again, emotional management. And we all do it differently.
After doing this for 30 years, Cindy in this post says:
I didn't adopt children expecting a thank you from them, I did it because I wanted to help. At one point in this journey I may have thought consideration of my feelings might be minor league important in some scheme of things. My heart has hardened over the years in that the barbs slung at me hardly begin to pierce it anymore. Is that your best shot? I'll think to myself, grinning and bearing up under it.
And Kari finally called a truce with herself last weekend after a particularly emotional week of attempting to manage these intense emotions.
We all do it differently, but we all have to manage these intense emotions. Most of us do an incredible job of it most of the time.... and when we don't we try not to tell anyone about it. But it is certainly a huge struggle.
Anyone else have tips and tricks on how to do a good job of managing emotion?
6 comments:
The book called, '99 Ways to Drive Your Child Sane' has some really good techniques to use that will bring back some levity to these situations. I try to laugh at as much as I can.
Personally I'm to the point where I say no once, don't explain the why, remind them once that they should know that constant bugging me won't make me change my mind. If they persist, then I like to say something like,'I'm going to go to the donut store to buy some nails. Don't you know what great nails they have there? Seriously, they have purple nails and twisty nails and nails that don't leave holes. It's my favorite place to shop for nails. You should go there sometime too. Or how about the other store where you can buy underwater liquid soap carving tools? I could go there. They have tools that don't rust. But some of them are very sharp and you have to be careful or you might cut yourself. And if you can't hold your breath for this activity you might have to practice so that you'll be able to carve long enough....' and on and on I go while they obsess over whatever they are going to obsess over and I ignore their obsessing. Eventually they give up and just shake their heads at my insaneness and walk away. Then I chuckle and relish the quiet.
I even have a few kids that have finally caught on and will just walk away the minute they hear that I'm going to the donut store.
It's exhausting but don't let it get to you! And if it does, you can join me in Mexico next time I go.
Wow, i can't believe I am delurking twice in a year. No advice about the emotions, but I wonder if there is a way to compromise on the specific issue, i.e., give him something with a strong resemblance to pop but doesn't cause the health problems, i.e., is there any way you could push him toward sparkling water or sparkling water with a shot of juice? It doesn't solve the money aspect of it, although there are home systems for carbonating tap water that are pretty cheap. Not sure this is really a solution because I am not sure what the attraction to pop is--but if it's the bubbles, this might be worth a try.
This pop thing is weird. Sometimes it is more about going out and buying the pop, not just having it. I have offered him diet caffeine pop here at the house that I have right in front of me and it's not good enough.
It's an odd, odd thing.
there are days when i start counting the hours till bedtime right after breakfast!
A friend of mine has kids with this same obsession. We were discussing it at lunch one day and she asked me about my kids having it or how I deal with it. I mentioned that you have the same issue (thank goodness we don't - we have much more interesting obsessions here - lol). She thinks it may be a vitamin deficiency that makes them crave the sugar or carbonation - just a thought????
If Dom is anything like Dustin. It's the obsession more than the result. Turning my Dustin into a different direction never works. We have had great success with stopping most of the obsessions with the medication he is on, but that seems to be a mystery to the doctor. He still obsesses over food, but it is a generic obsessing, not a particular item thank goodness.
I can say it is NOT fun and is quite draining. Keep on keepin' on. (man I hate that quote).
Thanks for sharing!
Peace
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