Cindy gave good insight to fight differences in her post this morning which was interesting to read because I had decided to respond to a comment asking what a Tony/Dominyk fight was like. I realized after reading Cindy's post, that Tony/Dominyk fights, while extremely annoying, are not nearly to the level of those that Cindy has been dealing with for years.
The scuffle starts when Tony realizes, using his intuition that is very keen, that Dominyk is having an off day and would be easily agitated. I don't know for sure what he does or says -- it is probably a soft whisper of something, or a slight nudge in his general direction, but it causes Dominyk to scream "TOOOOOOOOOOONY!!!!!!!!" in the loudest voice possible, loud enough for the neighbors to hear. At that point, Tony escalates it further making Dominyk scream and cry, beginning a very loud tantrum. Dominyk loses control, smacks Tony, and then Tony hits him back harder. This usually leads to Dominyk sobbing uncontrollably and finding either Bart or I to begin the "you don't care about me" mantra.
Tony slinks off (he can be slinky too), a self-satisfied grin on his face, and sits down to watch TV. Dominyk begins presenting his case. Tony bugged him and that made him cry. Therefore Tony should be punished. We usually remind him that it was mutual and thus neither will be punished, but he insists that we punish only Tony, even if Dominyk initiated the physical part of the fight. He then goes on to explain that because we are not punishing him that we don't care about him ... that nobody cares about him, and that he should not have been born. And then he cries, which clogs his nose, which of course is my fault.
So I guess the actual Tony/Dominyk fight is pretty mild. It's the aftermath that is killer. And while it is annoying that Dominyk who cannot control himself well has completely lost it all over me for a solid hour, there is a special kind of resentment reserved for Tony, you smugly smiles to himself as he watches TV, knowing that he can give himself credit for ruining my evening.
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P.S. I must write this because even though it might jinx it, it's still true. Tony is having a very good week. He is starting to care about the little things -- like what shirt he has on, and whether or not his siblings are frustrated with him (Dominyk excluded probably). He has been appointed to be the youth representative to our church council and several people said he did an excellent job on his report to them this week. He is able to laugh at himself a little more when he is out of line and generally he is becoming a bit more endurable for everyone. And I don't think we've had a Dominyk/Tony fight like the one above ... oh wait, one started last night ... but still, he's doing better. Thought I should say that.
2 comments:
It's never their fault, is it? Not a single part of anything. My 14yo adopted and 15yo bio also know just how to irritate each other, and they do so very frequently. The 15yo has outgrown this quite a bit, and understands that he is partially culpable and accepts the consequences, but the 14yo still doesn't get it, ever, and I don't know if he ever will. Basically, he figures ANYTHING he does is perfectly justified if his brother even looks at him cross-eyed - and yes, of course, we're playing favorites if we don't ONLY consequence the OTHER guy.
I don't have RADs, I don't have other issues but this is EXACTLY what two of my sisters did to me. I have four sisters altogether, and I'm in the middle. The oldest and youngest I get along with famously. The two that flank me in birthorder I do not get along with, at all.
Now, as an adult and seeing that both of these sisters have mental health issues, I can rationalize this relationship disparity and their hurtful jabs no longer hurt. But as a child?
OMG! And worse, it was always I that got in trouble because I'd ignore, ignore, ignore and they'd keep on, keep on, keep on and I'd reach a boiling point, scream and then it was answered by "JENNIFER! COME HERE THIS INSTANT!" but by then I was a blubbering idiot and never could adequately explain how poorly I was being treated by the other two, who without saying a word to each other, knew exactly when to gang up on me. These events would always be followed by their irritating giggles and finger pointing and name calling and "nanny nanny boo boo you got in trouble and we didn't" crap. I personally drew the line when I got so angry and in an attempt to not scream punched my fist into the floor instead and sprained two fingers.
Guess what? I still got in trouble for not knowing how to control my anger.
So I'm totally feeling Dominyk's pain. Don't have anything to offer other than it was my self-discipline and desire to better myself that got me out of that proverbial loop. And the oldest of the two instigators being married off helped some. But good God, even now as adults, don't put me in a room with them over a holiday! I will storm out of there faster than fast with clench fists, making a bee line for the van so I can get in, crank up the tunes and rant without being heard.
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