Tuesday, August 25, 2009
How do I feel today? I Feel Resigned
Resigned. Not that I have resigned, because as a parent you can't resign. But I feel resigned to the fact the that some of my children are not going to change. And I'm resigned to the fact that I'm going to have to live with it.
I like to be obeyed. I've always liked it. From the time I was the oldest child of two little brothers as a 4 year old, I have needed, wanted, HAD TO be obeyed. OK, so I'm a control freak, but hey, at least I'm honest.
And up until I was married I was. Then I agreed to obey him and I do. Which you are all guffawing at, but it is true. I am a submissive wife. Which my husband doesn't believe in. But that is so far off topic. Ok, now that i"m in the middle of it I better explain. It is not hard to submit to someone who truly loves you. And he knows that I will do anything he asks, so he is careful about what he acts. And it works very well. But I love to point out to others about how submissive I am to him because it bugs him. So I guess that probably nullifies it to a certain extent. But whatever.
Anyway, up until I was married and had kids people usually did what I said. ANd as an adult, if they didn't, I fired them or kicked them out of school if they were insubordinate. I have often said, "The only thing I've ever been good at is telling people what to do, and now I'm full of a whole houseful of people who don't do a word I say."
So I like to be obeyed. ANd my philosophy is that the "little things" count. If I say, "Turn off the TV at ten" and my kids don't, and then they say, "It's not that big of a deal" then I say, "Exactly, so why can't you do it?" I think it's the little things -- the tiny rules that are based on the family system working well and Bart and I surviving living here -- those are the things that show attachment and trust and love.
But that's the problem. We have kids who never have been attached, who don't trust us, and don't know how to love. So they aren't going to care about the little things and there is nothing much I can do about it.
This morning John is sleeping on the couch again. He was obviously up doing laundry late into the night. Both of those things I don't prefer and I have asked him not to do again and again. Am I going to make my son, who is doing better than he has in years, move out of the house because he won't sleep in his bed? No. Am I going to start some consequence game to try to stop it? I don't have the energy. So I guess I'm going to have to let it go.
But in some ways I sort of feel like I'm selling out each time I come to this conclusion -- that one of my "rules" is going to have to die. If I were looking in at my situation I would be so critical -- After all, I am the parent, and I should have control over my own children.
But the truth? He isn't going to do what I say in some areas no matter what. So maybe I should just stop caring and let it go.
I hated typing that. Badly.
And by the way. I don't like the earring, or any part of the "gansta" look either. But he's nineteen and sometimes you just gotta let it go.
Am I just way out there today or does anyone else mourn the death of a rule when you finally have to let it go because it is not going to get obeyed without way more stress applied to ensuring compliance than it's worth?