Sunday, August 09, 2009
Yesterday was a Dumb Day
I posted this as a status update on my facebook, and people asked what a dumb day was. Well, if you've had one you know.
I spent the morning at the computer trying to figure out some decent accounting process to track book orders and finally got it figured out about 2 p.m. But during the morning I was just drained of energy and enthusiasm -- having gone full speed for several weeks again. It seems as though every 2-3 weeks I have a day where my body and mind just rebel against my ridiculous pace and scream "STOP!!!!!"
The weather was hot and humid and I was tired and crabby. One of the highlights for some of the children was a sudden screaming outburst which later Bart suggested made him wonder if he was going to need to perform an exorcism. Someone had touched Tony's Ipod and moved it from where it was. I was in the middle of something and did not have time at that VERY second to jump up and interrogate every other human in the house (and the dog too, probably) about where his Ipod was, who had taken it, and whether or not they could possibly return it to him. And so he relentlessly began to yell, in my face, about how I had to take care of it RIGHT NOW.
So I did.
At the top of my lungs I shrieked "WHOEVER TOOK TONY'S IPOD NEEDS TO RETURN IT TO HIM IMMEDIATELY - LIKE NOW -- AND I MEAN IT. I CAN"T TAKE HIM SCREAMING AT ME FOR THE REST OF THE DAY AND I DON"T HAVE TIME TO ASK YOU ALL PERSONALLY. SO GET IT TO HIM. RIGHT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!
Within minutes Tony had his Ipod. Now why hadn't I tried that before? Oh, yeah, retraumatizing traumatized children was never my intention. (But I seriously don't think I traumatized them -- I just got their attention). Sometimes I have to be careful because people don't get my sense of humor.
The remainder of the day I was still listless and irritable and unproductive, though escaping for dinner out with Bart did remotivate me a bit. This morning I woke up feeling better but without much of a voice. It's slowly coming back, but my dear husband insinuated that he, Mike and Kari might not be all that disappointed if I had no voice for our FART (Fletcher Awesome Road Trip). I'm sure that's not true.
Yesterday I was thinking about Cindy and how I am almost feeling guilty that things are going so well for us. And then I realized that "going well" was certainly a relative term. It's a strange world when we can feel like things are "normal" when we have a kid getting out of jail and a pregnant teenage daughter. But really, those things are par for the course if you adopt several kids who are in their teens. The stuff Cindy is going through we have been through, although not to the same extent, but those were horrible days.
Once again, The Adoption Counselor said it best in her post. To summarize her thoughts, we as adoptive parents do not deserve to be held hostage by violent children who the government will not help us to care for just because we dared to adopt them. But we are. And as I was recalling the days where we were living in fear to the point where we had to refuse to let our boys come home and thus we had to suffer through a lengthy court process where the social workers and GAL tried to discover what was wrong with US to prove we were not parenting well, it made my stomach turn. The trauma of the assaultive children on top of the trauma of the accusations of the system is such a double wammy.
So even though we have some stressful days ahead, at least I go to bed feeling safe. And it is my hope and prayer that Cindy, and others like her, will get the help they need so that they can do the same.
And I'm feeling grateful that the adjective to describe my day yesterday was simply "dumb."