"YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM"

Every once and a while, a lot less than when I first started doing this adoptive parenting thing, I get into a power struggle or an argument with one of my kids that gets hard core.

Now, if I were me, I would have having myself as a parent, because I'm bright, quick, and I can argue someone into the ground. My husband says that I should have been a prossecuting attorney.

Basically, once someone decides to start with me, especially if they are a child, and I give them several chances to bow out, but they dig their heels in and it's show down time, they are gonna lose.

Last night my 12 1/2 year old daughter decided she wanted a round. I was really patient, much more so than usual, so I lasted the whole night without really arguing with her. I gave her her choices as to what she could have as a consequence if she chose not to listen to me, and left it at that as the night progressed. I even gave her several chances, but for some reason she was, as Cindy says, "stuck on stupid."

So, I gave her a very simple choice. I made it simple on purpose so she would choose the right thing. Go up, change your sheets (she had spilled fingernail polish on them and said she couldn't sleep on them the night before and had to sleep with her sister) and go to bed OR you can be grounded for the weekend.

She went outside instead. Then she went upstairs but would not go to bed. 75 minutes after I sent her, she was still sitting up on her bed. She never did change her sheets.

I waited to see how things were when she woke up. No change in attitude, I tried to give her a few more chances, and then finally said, looks like you can spend some time at home this weekend.

Then it was my fault. I told her, "If I am unmotivated and can't seem to get my hours in at work, I am mad at myself. I don't call my employer and say, "I can't believe you set it up so that I had to work or not get paid. This is all your fault"

Then she says, "Loving and caring people don't do this to their kids."
To which I responded, "loving and caring people obey their parents so their parents don't have to consequence."

Then she started her search to find something I had done wrong to prove I was an idiot. She came up with a policy that she thought I had broken with a PCA and one of her brothers (totally off topic, and she had her facts mixed up anyway).

Finally, she had nothing else left so she starts to scream, "You're not my real mom."

And she was right. But I don't respond to that. Because I know then, that they are at the end and have nothing else they can think of. I don't bring up what her life would be like if she was with her birthmom. I just let it go.

I gave her younger sister (who has a tendency to align herself with her sister instead of her mother every time) a ride to school, so she didn't have to listen to the poisen all the way there.

And I'm sure she'll make the weekend miserable.

Way too long a post I konw, but I wanted to set the seen and to all who read who are adoptive parents, remind ourselves that we are going to hear "you're not my real mom" often because it is the one thing that we can't really argue with. She's right, I did not give birth to her. I'm as real as they come, but I did not give birth to her.

All kids use what they can, our kids just have one more weapon to use when all else fails.

So, girl, if you ever read this, know that real moms are the ones who listen to the words, "you're not my real mom" over and over and over again, and never walk away.