So by 8 this morning I’m getting a phone call to ask me why my sons were in this guy’s basement with his two teenagers at 12:30 this morning. Mike has FAS and is impulsive and so I sometimes can let that go. But when John chooses to follow him, then I get more furious. Especially since John portrays himself as the “good one” of the two who really loves his parents.
One of the scary things that runners learn is that it is hard to do anything about it. You can call the sheriff, but the sheriff will only bring them home. Even the sheriff told me this the first time Mike ran. He said, “Once a kid runs and realizes there is nothing you can do, they will continue to run.” The sheriff won’t bother to right it up because no County Attorney will prosecute. If your kids steal from you, you can report it and make a police report and everything, but they won’t prosecute them because it is a family matter.
So, anyway, I digressed. How do you punish a runner? If you ground them, they laugh and take off. If you take away their privileges it just makes it more miserable for them to stay home, so they want to be gone more. If you insist that the county get involved and help you, the kid either gets trapped in a system they can’t get out of or the county files a petition against the parents. Even when a kid is on probation, running isn’t a violation of that probation.
Bart and I don’t know what to do. If we make a big deal out of it, we know things will escalate, but if we act like it doesn’t matter, they will escalate. Any ideas anyone?
3 comments:
I have NEVER done this and I am not advising it...just sharing. Early on we took a foster parenting class for dealing with out of control kids. Their advice for dealing with runners was to CHANGE THE LOCKS and lock THEM out. The idea is that most runners are staying in the neighborhood, sneaking in at night or when you are gone to get their stuff. Some of course just come and go as they please, figuring "there is nothing you can do." You can't keep them in, but you can keep them out. The kids don't really want to be on their own with no resources (or clothes) and so they have to ask to come back -- at which you point you give the price: two days detention, letter of apology to everyone they hurt...whatever.
In this class they also talke about grounding deeper, not longer. Usually the weekend is best, but sometimes a school day works. The idea is that time you take away more. One kid got so deep he lost the priviledge of shutting his bedroom door all but the 8 hours he was sleeping. He asked me "What next?" I told him I would lock up his personal care products for a week (no razor or hair gell!!!!). He shaped up.
The "deeper not longer" strategy is especially usful for kids who are not long-term thinkers. After two days of being grounded most of the them forget why they are stuck -- except of course that you won't let them go!
Good ideas Beth. What bout charging him to stay with you if hes not going to follow the rules. You stop feeding him, doing his laudry, providing any clothes, necessicities etc and he has to pay to live there. Unless he chooses to stop runnign and following the rules.
I dont know ... idont have teenagers yet.
Any relatives you can send him to for a wake up call, farm chores etc?
This is a tough topic. I like the "lock the doors." I have used it on Tim, but he is 19.
Make sure the windows and all the car doors are locked also.
Meg
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