Last night I "ruined Salinda's night" by asking her to get off her friends cell phone after she slipped in a Saturday night sleepover (friend coming here) which we usually don't allow. She tried to walk away and refused to deal with something, which is her pattern, and I made the mistake of trying to stop her. Eventually, she ended up knocking me down and I was lying on the floor, not sure if I was hurt (I wasn't).
I was in the family room, most everyone else was in bed or heading there, Bart assumed we were talking. I just laid there, wondering how long I would lie like that if I really were hurt. I allowed myself to have a full blown sobbing pity party, which I hardly ever allow myself to do.
She's been home three days. She still has no regard for our most simple rules. THinks they are stupid so she shouldn't have to follow them. After begging to come home for weeks, she's now saying maybe she wants to go back, but that what she really wants is a foster home where there are no rules.
There is no way this girl would be having these thoughts had our sons, who could not live at home because of safety issues, had not been in and out of foster placements they could never maintain. She has seen this as an option.
The problem is, nobody believes that our family system is the issue here. They have heard our rules and do not believe they are unreasonable. They have watched us interact with her. Foster care, at least at this point, is not an option for her, but she doesn't know that.
She has so much potential. She does not have FASD, does not have any mental illness. She just is a rebellious teenager who sees that she has options of where to live because of the way her brothers have manipulated people over the past 3 years.
I hate to distance myself from her the way I have had to with the boys. It will be more difficult to do so because there were a lot of years where we got along well. But I have to figure out a way to stop obsessing about how I can parent in a way that will make her successful and just let her make her own choices.
The serenity prayer completely applies here.
Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
3 comments:
Oh, how I sympathize. We recently had a 14yr old foster daughter move to a different home in our agency. Her biggest complaints? At our home she had to do chores and was not allowed on MySpace. Although, MySpace for the kids is against agency "policy"...sure enough, in her new home she updates her trashy MySpace page daily. I guess she got what she wanted. For now. I give it 6 months before she's ready to move from that home. Now the two little boys in guardianship here think they can act out so they can get moved to somewhere with cable. I don't think so, fellas.
Just this morning my 12yr old got annoyed at one of the other kids and lashed out at me, refusing to get in the car for church. Although her adoption will be finalized soon she is constantly telling me she will call her social worker to get moved when she doesn't get her way. So sad that these kids seem willing to give up a family for things as inconsequential as computer, tv, and cell phone time.
Hang in there! Hopefully one day they'll get it.
Oh, how I sympathize. We recently had a 14yr old foster daughter who insisted she be moved from our home. Her biggest complaint? She had to do chores and was not allowed on MySpace. Although it is against agency "policy", sure enough in her new foster home she updates her trashy MySpace site daily. I guess she got what she wanted. For now. I give it 6 months before she starts chafing at their more relaxed rules. Now the two little boys in guardianship here think they can act out and get moved to a place where they can watch cable tv whenever they want. I don't think so, fellas.
Although she will be adopted soon, my 12yr old daughter still tells me that she will call her social worker to get moved any time she doesn't get her way. So sad that these kids seem willing to give up a family for such inconsequential things as computer, tv, and cell phone time and somewhere in their skewed brains they think they will find a place where they have no rules and no responsibilities.
Thanks for sharing your struggles. It helps to know we're not alone.
I am going through a similar situation. I had to distance myself from one daughter. She hurt me deeply and repeatedly. Only problem is that I got quite comfortable being emotionally "away" and don't frankly want to go back. Now, with some good preaching from my pastor and talking with my husband and girlfriends I realize that I need to step back in. Why, so I can just get stomped on again? But, the truth is I have to be the parent. Otherwise, what is the point.
I will say though that the stepping out for a time is very necesarry. For both my daughter and myself. Stepping back in is hard and I am barely ready to go there.
hugs-jen
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