OK, I'm finally ready to share what happened on Friday. I had decided to take the kids out to supper. I came home and Mike was here (which is always an uncertainty because he's so unpredictable....). He had someone's cell phone and was making calls but said he wanted to go with us. Sadie was in the bathtub and didn't want to go with us and since it was fast food I figured we'd only be gone 1/2 hour.... so I let her stay home alone, something I usually don't do.
We discovered later what had happened and Bart confronted Mike and he did not deny it. He set up people to come into the house while we were all gone except Sadie to steal Bart's IPod. They also took my iphone charger (which is not compatible to the Ipod).
Bart is the one person in this world who truly loves Mike unconditionally. I have been burned by him so many times that it is hard for me to reach out to him any more. And Bart loves that IPod. Falls asleep listening to it every night. Takes walks with it when he walks the dog. Listens to it on planes. It's probably his favorite possession.
Mike is obviously very desperate. He is messing with some very dangerous folks. He also doesn't connect things and I know that. FASD strikes again. BUT, he keeps taking things a step further.
Now we know how Cindy felt when her laptop was stolen. It is such a violation. And i do much better when the kids target me and my stuff than Bart because he really is the most incredibly patient father.
But we keep asking each other, "How can we throw him out? What would Jesus do? Are we putting ourselves in danger?"
I'm sure many of you will tell us to kick him out, but he really has no place to go.
11 comments:
When I read this my first thought was of Sadie. I am assuming that she is okay but what if? What if they next time they are violent? I don't even know you but I am now truly worried about your safety. Please be careful.
I have been lurking for almost two years now, but I am so upset by this that I am actually delurking.
To me, it is inconceivable that his FASD means he doesn't have enough cognitive ability to organize himself to work or take care of himself or even meet his probation officers, but at the same time he does have enough planning skills to organize the robbery of his own parents' house. But even if this second thing is due to FASD, I think you need to start protecting yourselves and the kids who are home. And the kids at home also need to understand that they can't just kick you around forever.
Usually I feel that we should not advise each other or judge each other's actions on blogs because we see only a tiny piece of each other's reality, but this post disturbed me so much that I felt compelled to write. You have done everything you can for Mike, and you are not going to be able to stop him from self-destructing if he can't apply the same energy to taking care of his life that he does to an obviously criminal activity.
I'm still learning about FASD (aren't we all?) but here is something I've been thinking about while reading about your adventures with Mike. Is he competent? Has he been tested for competency, IQ testing, etc.? He is obviously incapable of keeping a job, taking care of an apartment, maintaining relationships with anyone of any importance, etc. and it doesn't sound like he's going to be able to do those things for a long time if ever. I keep hearing how a FASD child's developmental age is half of his/her chronological age until their late 20's/early 30's so you're really dealing with an impulsive 9 yo (he's 18, right?) who has the perks of being 18 in society. Could he live in an assisted living facility or would he just wander off when the mood hit? I'm going to be dealing with these issues sooner than I'd like (my FASD son is 13 1/2 now and acts about 5, but with a mean streak) and I am not seeing much hope out there. It's hard to save someone from themselves. I think you need to do what's best for your family and if that means keeping Mike in your home, so be it. Think about building in some security safeguards though. Maybe, he's never allowed in the house without yourself or Bart? I don't know, I can hear how hard this is for you. I'm sure I'd be crushed by the fact that Sadie was in the house and Mike knew, but still went ahead with it anyway. Good luck!!
claudia, you are all in my thoughts. i have no winning ideas but please know i sympathize.
Ultimately, you know what to do.
Since I don't know what else to say, so I'll echo shari's thoughts and say "I am now truly worried about your safety".
I am so sorry for you. You've agonized so much about Mike and tried so hard to do the right thing by him. I'm afraid that it will just go on and on like this for you until you keep him out of the house. I know that's easy for someone else to say. I know that there is nothing out there that will keep him safe (except, possibly, jail.) Like everyone else though I am concerned that Sadie was there and if something like that happens again...
I feel silly offering "advice," since I've never been in a situation like this. All I can think of is the strength and support Yondalla says she's gotten from Al Anon. You've said that your son also uses drugs, so maybe it would be appropriate. They also have a teen program, for what it's worth. Again, no answers, but your family will be in my thoughts.
You already know how I feel about this as I already gave you my opinion. Reading everyone's comments kind of cemented my original thoughts...
It downright stinks. I'm sorry you have to go through this yet again. It scares the heck out of me because I feel this is a foreshadowing of our future, except Dustin does have a low IQ that will qualify him for more services. It is so very sad that the safest place the system has for your child is jail.
I am praying that all will work out for your best. God knows the plans . . . JeremiaH 29:11
You could probably tell me exactly where it is, but I think often about the Biblical story about the man who was forgiven a debt and then turned around and refused to forgive someone else a smaller debt. The lesson of the story is about how many times we are supposed to forgive our neighbor. Turns out to be either 7 times 7 or else 7 times 7 times 7, right?
Anyway, one thing I always notice about it and yet no preacher has ever comments on is that even with all that forgiveness going on no one is loaning anyone else any more money.
So what would Jesus do? I can't know. I know that in Alanon I had to learn to put my children in God's hands and stop interfering with the life lessons that God was teaching them. It was hard. I had to do it over and over every day.
I had slogans I had to repeat over and over -- and one of the was "God's plan, not my plan."
And only you know the details of your life. Take what you like, and leave the rest.
Sorry Claudia, I hope not to overstep any boundaries. Please don't take it as such. One parent of difficult teens to another, that's all.
Don't kick him out - call the police. What he did is a crime, and he knows it - disability or not. To echo flacius1551, "he does have enough planning skills to organize the robbery of his own parents' house." FASD, impulsivity, 9 yr old developmentally or not he still knows right from wrong.
He will be safe in custody, comfortable and warm. You won't have drug addicts lurking through your home any longer. More than likely Mike is probably an addict, he needs help for that first before treatment of his FASD is effective.
Enabling Mike isn't helping him nor anyone else in your family. Drug addiction hurts everyone in your family. The thugs he hangs with are a threat to your family as well. He will not get clean until he feels he has no other choice. Having your home and family to enable him keeps his addiction going. Cut him off, let the justice system help him.
Eric PandaCurry.com
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