Saturday, February 20, 2010

I Am Sitting At My Desk in My Home Office

only because if I sit in my chair in my bedroom for one more day I might just mentally lose it. I actually took my own shower this morning unassisted. I was surprised at the amount of energy it took for me to get just that done. I am actually dressed in clothes, not pajamas.

I slept last night. Waking every hour, with some bouts of insomnia in between, I did sleep. When I was awake I thought about my dear late friend and former pastor who died when he was my age after struggling with major health issues for over 20 years. Kidney transplants (yes, 2 of them) in his twenties. The reason I was thinking about him is that the steroids I am on are driving me crazy and he took them for twenty years.

I blogged more of his story here over four years ago and even though he has been in heaven now for over 10 years, his legacy moved me to tears last night. I am not cut out to be a sick person. I am type A to the 100th degree, and as Teresa put in a comment, a person who estimates my own worth by production. Being sick drives me nuts. I have never been out of commission this long and each day I am getting more and more frustrated.

But I began to think about my friend Bob and that he had similar characteristics. I didn't know him when he wasn't sick -- I just watched him plug away at being excellent regardless of his health conditions towards the end of his life. I am not interested in a life like that. I fight it with every ounce of my being. Now I'm wondering just how long it took him to come to terms with it, or if he ever did.

He used to quote this saying often:

God Is, God Knows, God Cares
nothing this thought can dim;
God always gives the best to those
who leave the choice with Him.

I don't know how he did it. How he believed it if he felt like I do most days.

Health issues are not me. I've never had them. I have put too much on my plate to have them. And yet here I sit. One thing after another.

On the bright side, I am finally breathing without too much work. My arm has minimal pain and the incision is healing nicely. The side effects from the antibiotics for the pneumonia are awful, but having read some things on the internet this morning, apparently I'm only dealing with a few of the many I could be facing.

I'm grabbing deep down to find positive things to be thankful for and to cooperate with myself in getting back to normal.

Thanks so much for all your prayers. I know my blog is getting boring and pathetic and annoying -- as it reflects how i'm feeling myself.

Pray for the rest of the kids and Bart too. They need me to bounce back like I always do, and I just ain't feeling bouncy if you know what I mean.


GB's Mom said...

Still praying. Hang in there.

kidsaregreat said...

Your blog is not boring. It shows some improvement in your health everyday despite how you are feeling. I don't think any of us handle being sick very well...especially when we have a house full of children with many expectations. Have you had a chance to simply walk outside and breath some fresh air? Many times simply breathing the air will make us feel like we a getting better. You are still covered in prayers!

debbiem said...

bless your heart claudia, i am thinking of you often and sending you good thoughts.

Torina said...

You could never be boring. I am glad that you are recovering. You had me scared for a while there woman. One day at a time.

Michelle said...

Not an often commenter, but wanted to add in my support. My sister has chronic health issues and like with your pastor friend, I do not know how she does it. Sending healing thoughts and vibes your way.