Friday, February 12, 2010

A Pulitzer Prize Photo Essay (Dictated to Kari)

One of these things is not like the other. It's no wonder I'm confused.

Thanks to everyone for their presence and presents during my stay.

Unbeknownst to us, yellow socks indicate a fall risk. Bart selected them when we stole them from the supply closet because they matched my pajamas. Usually fall risk socks are given to those who are a few fries short of a Happy Meal. But when I found this out I still didn't change them.

This is my IV pole that I named Dirk. I figured anybody who has to go with me to pee and shower should have a name. Dirk used to have a head but they took it off when they took me down to one IV. Dirk does a lot of beeping whenever things aren't just right. So Kari and I have made up phrases to remind us of Dominyk that coincide with the beeping such as "I want some pop" or "I am so bored". Dirk has to go on walks with me down the hall which they force me to take 4 times a day. This theoretically is supposed to help with constipation but so far it isn't working. Don't try to sensor me - you're just here to write down what I say. Good grief. (***This last sentence was meant for me, Kari, the poor dictation girl.) I would like to discuss this in greater detail but my husband and Kari won't let me.

My limb alert bracelet has provided me with much humorous material. For one thing it is very fun to say. Come on now, say it with me. Limb alert. Limb alert. Also, it brought about discussions as to whether or not there are braclets in the hospital that are color coded with no words but represent things such as "dementia". I figured it wouldn't hurt anything since the patient would just look at it and remember that they had dementia but then they would forget again. However, the nurses believe that would be offensive to family members who would not like it. I don't know why people can't appreciate my brilliant ideas. A few have even suggested that if there were such a thing they would have one on me which of course has me feigning offense.

At the ER on Monday night the doctor warned me about Coumadin, the medicine that I will be taking when I leave the hospital to keep my blood thin. When he mentioned it he said it was a very difficult drug that would require careful attention to my diet. Immediately I was disheartened because I assumed that I would be forbidden to have things like cheese or chips or french fries. However, the drug reacts to Vitamin K and thus I have to limit my binge eating of green vegetables such as spinach, broccoli and lettuce. Since I have had a deep hate relationship with lettuce for my entire life and seldom touch broccoli or spinach I was very relieved. However, this photo shows evidence that the hospital cafeteria is trying to kill me. The parsley was on the side but the other two green things were buried in my ham and cheese omelet of all places. I have showed this picture to my doctor and nurse as evidence that they are trying to kill me.
(Claudia has broken in to song again. She is singing about a bull named FuManChu and Bart is suggesting that the dementia bracelet might be in order.)

The funniest thing about being in the hospital is that all these flipping people take me seriously and they all explain how I'm not supposed to eat the parsley and that the little green things probably wouldn't kill me.


GB's Mom said...

You guys are so funny!

Jennie said...

LOVE IT! Your obituary will read, "in the end, it wasn't the 12 children with challenging issues that caused Claudia's demise, it was the leafy greens she was forbidden to eat."

Vanessa said...

Haha, that's fabulous! I especially love the deadly parsley and the IV pole with OCD.

My husband took Coumadin for more than 10 years, and it's not that bad, but you'll probably have blood drawn weekly at the lab for as long as you're on it. You'll soon come to know and love/ your prothrombin time and INR, both of which have to do with the speed at which your blood clots - there's a pretty narrow not-too-fast, not-too-slow range you'll be shooting for, and your Coumadin dosage will be adjusted up or down if you start edging out of it. It's a pain in the butt, but much better than the alternative!

All the best for a speedy recovery ...