Here, I Am, Lord

Yesterday we had a couple of exceptionally good worship services at church. I am a person of adventure and I love new and exciting things. In fact, I look forward to the idea of change. When I was laid off from PFRC in December, I thought maybe God had an exciting NEW thing planned for me. And while I am very thankful that He so quickly provided me with another job very much like my old one, I was a bit disappointed that it wasn't something new.

Grant it, it is a nice confirmation that God wants me doing something that I am very good at and that can help kids and families, but new is so fun! I'd have been thrilled, for example, if He had suddenly found a perfect job for Bart in an African seminary.... yup, I'm that nuts. I just LOVE new things.

Yesterday when I was sitting in church we were singing the song, "Here I am, Lord", one of my very favorites that I first heard at Bart's United Methodist ordination service. The lyrics are powerful, so you should read them before I go on.

I, the Lord of sea and sky
I have heard my people cry
All who dwell in dark and sin
My hand will save.

I who made the stars and night
I will make the darkness bright
Who will bear my light to them
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart.

I the Lord of snow and rain
I have borne my people's pain
I have wept for love of them
They turn away.

I will break their hearts of stone
Fill their hearts with love alone
I will speak my word to them
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart.

I will hold your people in my heart...

As I was singing this song I was thinking about all of the things I would LOVE to have time to do. All the needs out there that I would love to form programs and design plans to fill. All the people that I want to influence outside of my job and family.

And then it hit me that I really didn't have the privilege of going out a few times a week to "do ministry." Even though we are both paid to do our jobs, what Bart and I do is a full time ministry. And our children, even though they are OUR children, they are our ministry.

And by the time we do those things marginally well, there isn't time to add anything else. We don't have the luxury of a neat safe home where we can enjoy calm and relaxing times that recharges us to go outside our home and "do ministry." I realized, as I sang, that my entire life is ministry.

It was a sobering thought. And I confess that as I sang those words, and meant them, that tears fell down my cheeks (which happens very seldom to me in public). Because I realized that as I sang, "I will go, Lord, where you lead me" that it wasn't going to mean a new exciting opportunity. It wasn't going to mean a foreign country or a new organization to volunteer with.

When I sang, "I will go Lord" I was singing about heading to places I really have no interest in going.... like upstairs to break up a fight, or down to the school for a meeting for a child who has been suspended, or to court with a son who is heading to jail.

And so I am working today to embrace a calling that isn't quite what I had envisioned. The choices that we have made mean that every minute of our lives is full of meaning and ministry and that I need to be content for that to be all I expect myself to do. It hardly seems enough, with all the needs that are out there, but our 12 kids, Bart's church, and my two adoption jobs just plain take all the time there is.

SO...... (again with tears) I type these words as I sing them in my heart:

Here I Am, Lord,
it is I, Lord
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
where you lead me....
I will hold your people in my heart.