Well, my first day of talking to God instead of my kids about their behavior was an interesting one. it sure made for more peace around here on what could have been quite the day. Three kids had problems in school yesterday, one of them pretty severe, and I have not yet spoken to said person. I have done a lot of praying. Another kid is in the habit of ignoring us. I delivered the news that he would not be doing what he planned tonight because he ignored us without commentary.
Hey, I just realized that that is probably my biggest challenge... the commentary. I do not deliver the facts without commentary. I have so many things to say about everything. For example, the message is this. You need to do your math. But often I can't stop myself with that. It has to have commentary. About their current grade, how if they don't get it up it will affect their GPA, how that is going to mean they can't get into college, and then, of course, it's the flipping burgers for life threat. Really, Claudia? No wonder they stop listening to you. Too. Many. Words.
So this is what I have been doing it. I say to them, "You need to do your math." And then I pray, "God, please help so-and-so to remember that they really need to get their grade up. Help them to see how important it is for them to get a good GPA so they can go to college. Help them to live with the future in mind, not just the present. Change his/her heart, God. Please."
I don't know if it is working -- and that is the hard part. To my knowledge there is no instrument that can measure a change of heart. So that is frustrating for me. But it will be interesting to see what the Creator of the Galaxies can do with them if I can stay out of it and simply ask Him to work.
Day two. I'll let you know how it goes.
8 comments:
A long time ago when my older kid first moved home, I was giving him a lot of "commentary" about something. He looked right at me and said something I never forgot. "I stop listening after ten words."
Since that day, I try hard to say what I need to say in ten words or less. It's been a game of ours. Isn't that the greatest thing about our kids? How they change us?
This is great, Claudia! Love this approach!
I'm currently reading Setting Limits by Robert Mackenzie and he stresses to not get caught up in the "dance" of repeating and reminding - fewer words, more action.
I tend to have alot of commentary myself! ;0) my brain reels with it, but with our girls disabilities we know they only comprehend about every third word so - we give short answers, short directions and sometimes it helps. We do do alot of talking, but given the every third word aspect, I figure if I repeat myself then eventually they will comprehend most of the words - of course they will all be out of order, but if they stop listening after 10 then I am really talking to myself and that in a way is a form of release and getting my brain on track, great rationalization isn't it, learned it from my girls.
I think this is wonderful. I'm going to try it too.
I did this with my oldest child- who did a lot to train me for future behavioral issues... The Bible says His sheep hear His voice. I stood on that. It worked really well. After a short time I began to see positive trends. I think it also helped him to learn to hear the voice of God.
God be with you!!!
I used this with MK during her teen years, as more words a) got less results and b) frustrated me. I did pretty well. Now that she is "an adult" I am finding it harder to do on a regular basis. Thanks for the reminder.
I do the same thing!! For some reason, after YEARS of doing this, I still convince myself that if I explain it correctly, I will be able to make them do something immediately and for the correct reason. Sometimes I even wonder why they don't just jump up and do what I ask to shut me up (lol)!
I am going to start doing this too. If someone talked to me this abruptly, it would probably hurt my feelings, so I assume it would to them too - I know that's wrong though. One of my daughters just stares thru me uncomprehendingly whenever I start talking (we don't have conversations) and later will swear I didn't say things I'm positive I did -no wonder, she's not hearing anything anyway.
I hope this continues to work for you!!
Amen sister! This is what I have been looking for. I have one teen in particular who I give commentary to constantly (all with the best intentions) and it is not working. I know I need to change it up with her but haven't figured out how. This is inspiring to me, thank you thank you. I have been lurking for weeks but this post hit me square in the chest.
It is so hard when you love someone so much and want the best for them.
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