When Resentment Rears It's Ugly Head

I know I have blogged about it before. In fact, I've blogged about it more than once. Multiple times even. Because I think that battling down this monster is one of the toughest things I have to do. I battle it all the time and sometimes I'm not successful. Like yesterday. I was beat down by the whole thing.

It started with thinking my kids changed my ITunes Password. Turns out it was a stranger -- they hacked in to steal all my Itunes gift money. I should have just taken the time to spend it. I'm sure Apple will work that out for me, but even when I found out that it wasn't my kids I was resentful because I live in a place where it could have been.

And then I let myself go down a very long road where I list all the reasons why I have every right to be resentful. And that never goes well.

So this morning, on the exercise bike with no earbuds to listen to sermons or songs (yes, this is the 6th pair that has been stolen in as man months), I started to ask myself how to battle resentment and decided to tell myself a few things on my blog and let you read it if you wish.

There are a few good suggestions here but let me add a few more. Most of this you've heard me say when I speak, or read here or in something else I've written, but I need to hear it myself, so let me be repetitive.

When I start to get resentful, here is what I need to do:

1) Remember that I can only control me. I have been trying to find the quote, but I am almost sure it was Deitrick Bonhoeffer who, when in prison, was commenting to his captors who also tormented him. He said something to the effect of how he could not control what they did to him. He could not stop them from mocking him, beating him, etc. But what he could control -- and what they could not -- was his response to what they did to him. And he responded graciously. Sometimes when I am caught in a place where I feel I am being tortured by my children (not a good place to be in by the way) I look to him as my role model and thing to myself, "I cannot control what you do to me. But I can control how I respond to what you do to me."

2) Take the word should out of my vocabulary. My kids should be grateful to us for what we've done to me. My kids should take responsibility for their own actions . My kids should do their part. My kids should acknowledge us as their parents. My kids should be respectful. My kids should care about how I feel. My kids, especially if they are legally adults, should clean up after themselves. ANd I have about 300 more I could list here. And we could all go on, couldn't we? Maybe some of you have spouse issues. My wife should..... My husband should...... or what about friends? pastors? neighbors?

Isn't amazing how we all know what everyone else should be doing? Tony is one of the funniest kids that way. In fact, his special ed teacher referred to him as "missy" because he is such a gossip. He always has his head in everyone else's business and knows what they SHOULD be doing. It's such a stark contrast to the fact that he almost never does what HE should be doing.

Sometimes I catch myself acting like Tony. I wallow in a puddle of self-pity about what everyone else should be doing and forget that my job is to simply do what I should be doing.

3) Focus on the good. Counting my blessings, looking for good things, and being grateful always transform my thinking and make me less resentful. And there is always something good there if I look for it. But often I am filling my head with the bad junk instead of the good. I can dwell on the little things that are bugging me, or I can look at a few of the big things that aren't. And since I have a husband who does all the grocery shopping, all the cooking, his own ironing, and a good share of the laundry and cleaning, I always have one BIG thing to be grateful for.

4) Start speaking the good. I have found that when I start to get resentful I get very negative. It may mean that I get really quiet, but sometimes it can mean that I say negative things to the people around me as well. ANd it spirals. Because you know, people don't respond very well to negative talk, criticism, or even silence. What they respond to is loving and gracious words, praise, and encouragement. If I nurture the very good things in the people around me and can get myself to do that, I often can see them changing in other ways as well. I really have done a horrible job of this lately and I need to get back on track with saying positive things to my kids and making them feel good about the few things (see how resentful I've become) that they do well, instead of harping on them continuously about the things that they aren't doing, or don't do well.

5) Pace myself and start changing things slowly, one thing at a time. One of my biggest challenges as a person is that I see 1,001 things about my very overwhelming life and I decide one morning when I get up that I am going to fix all of them. Instead, I need to take on one little thing a day that is positive. Otherwise I don't get anything done at all because it is all too overwhelming.

Resentment is an awful thing primarily because of what it does to me. It eats away at me and it causes me to stumble in many ways. But the past few weeks I can see how it is affecting those around me as well. It's time to do an about-face and head in the other direction.

I am more and more convinced every day that our lives as adoptive parents -- actually our lives as people anywhere -- is about the internal battle we each face and how we respond to what happens to us. We can and will make a difference in the world if we can allow God to transform us and head us in the right direction.

So this morning I'm not going to tackle the 9,137 things that I need to fix in my life. I'm just going to find one thing that I can do today that will improve what sometimes seems like an impossible situation and I'm going to do that one thing. And while I'm at it I'm going to give everyone, including myself a break by getting rid of some shoulds, remind myself to be grateful, and let go of trying to control everyone else.

If I can do that, I guarantee that today is going to be better than yesterday.