I feel like a girl who got asked to the senior prom by someone really cute .. super cute, the perfect date. And then told everyone -- posted pictures of him on my Facebook and blog, carried pictures of him on my phone and showed everyone, and then, a couple weeks later, he changes his mind. All those visions about what prom with him was going to be like suddenly vanished, and now I have to go tell everyone. Time is running out for me to find another date and I'm pretty sure he isn't going to be nearly as good as the first guy....
The landlady for the perfect house emailed last night and told me she had decided to rent to someone else. We had already made what I considered to be a verbal agreement and had filled out the application. I was waiting back ... for almost a week ... to hear when and where we were going to meet to sign the lease and the check for the deposit. Never ONCE did it occur to me that I she would change her mind. But apparently a few of the things that I said about our family, jokingly, made her nervous about having such a large family move in (we are probably only moving with 4 or 5 kids, so to us that is a small family!) She found someone else and we are back to square one with less than 2 months before the moving van is scheduled to arrive.
I am needing to forgive her and pray blessings on her even though it is hard. But more than anything I need to forgive myself for being so chatty, for being so honest, for being so transparent, for being so trusting when it obviously was a bad idea. I had all my kids and my husband so excited about this perfect house and it is no doubt my big mouth that lost it for us.
So I cried last night -- like a teenager whose prom date had backed out -- no doubt all the accumulated tears of weeks of stress -- but I don't do it often. Fortunately Bart is the only one who had to witness it. And don't worry, I'm not a disgusting crier... like I don't blow snot all over everything, or heave in sobs, or anything like that. I mean it's not pretty or anything, but it's not super disgusting.. but I digress
And now we are back to square one. In my head I KNOW that God has a plan and that He knows why this house wasn't best for us. I also know that the plan and situation out there that is perfect for us -- but I want it to feel perfect as well. And I just can't see how it could feel more perfect than the first house I fell in love with.
But I'm going to choose forgiveness and move on, though sometimes, as a commenter pointed out the other day, forgiving ourselves is much more difficult than forgiving others. And sometimes forgiving ONE big thing is harder than forgiving 490 smaller things.
Anybody know of a house for rent in Robbinsdale, Crystal or New Hope with 4 or more bedrooms and more than 2000 Square feet? Sigh.
4 comments:
The qualities I love about you are your honesty, your transparency, and your trusting nature. And those are the qualities that will find you another place, the perfect place, very soon. Don't give up, forgive yourself, and move one. Use your greatest quality, your strong faith and your love of God. All things work together for good.....
You just need to find a more adventurous landlady. :-)
As the owner of rental properties I can see both sides of this story. The landlady should have made it clear that it was not a done deal. She would at the very least have to do a credit check and talk to your previous landlords if you're currently renting. She'd probably do some online poking around and that would mean she read your blog.
That may have been the deal breaker. The fact that four or five kids would be living with you isn't great (from a landlord's perspective) but that many kids coupled with some of the incidents you described on your blog may have done you in.
Your approach, trusting in the Lord, is not only the best option, but at this point, the only option you really have. If He never brought us trials, we would have no reason to turn to Him with complete trust. Your openess, and honesty is the beauty that attracts all of us to you, so don't ever think you should change. God will provide. Let's not forget how the story ends, the boy you thought was the perfect prom date grew up to be a loser, and your prince charming did eventually come along, and in the end you were so much happier than you ever thought you'd be! In the words of Garth Brooks, "Sometimes I thank God, for unanswered prayers..."
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