Kari's analogy of parents of kids with FASD being gutter guards is excellent.
We have spent the last 9 years attempting to be Mike's gutter guards. But he WILL NOT allow us to be. Using the analogy, sometimes he has just thrown the balls so hard that they bounce over the guards. Other times he just refuses to bowl. But most of the time he screams, "I don't need gutter guards! I know how to bowl! And he grabs them and slams them and breaks them and throws a fit that they are there in the first place."
And then when he bowls a zero, he comes back. Can you please put the guards back up? I really want them now. I have learned. I am going to change. And so we put them back up. And then he bowls a frame or two with them. But about frame 2 or 3 or sometimes 4, he starts in all over again. He either throws the ball so hard against them that it goes off the lane or he starts tearing apart the gutter guards again. Or maybe he just sits down for a while and refuses to bowl.
This week we are battling with another round of whether or not we should agree to put up the guards again. I know most of you don't think we should. But it isn't because we think it will work this time. It's just because it's so hard to see him without them because he can't have any success.
Sorry, Kari, to put a downer on your great post. But sometimes this is how it goes as the kids get older. And it is no fun.
3 comments:
I just want to tell you I know how difficult it is. I have made both decisions with kids engaged in self-destructive behavior and not even had FASD in the mix.
I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do; you are the only one living there.
I think there's a big difference between "helping" someone and allowing them to live in your home and disrupt your lives and the lives of your minor children.
Maybe you should look at other options that would help him live somewhere else?
Claudia,
You know that I know the reality of what lies ahead. I just have to give myself these pep talks from time to time so that I have hope and so that I remember what I need to get up and do again tomorrow morning without giving up.
I also have to remind myself that all kids with FASD are different. Some, like your Mike, came with the devastation of attachment disorders as well as FASD. I pray that it makes a difference that our kids had healthier attachments in their early years.
I heard a speaker today who said that success for our kids looks different than success for other kids. He had 3 measurements of success for "our kids"--
Alive.
Out of prison.
Content.
Mike's story isn't completely written yet. You're still his bumpers, he just doesn't live with you now. ~Kari
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