Please Put on Your Own Oxygen Mask First

For a long time I got caught up in the mindset that in order for me to take good care of others, I had to put them first.

I grew up with this mentality -- and while in principal, I think it is a good one, I think that we as over-achievers can take it to an extreme.

I learned this little song as a small child,

Jesus and Others and You
what a wonderful way to spell JOY
Jesus and Others and You
in the life of each girl and each boy
J is for Jesus for he has first place
O is for Others we meet day by day
Y is for you in whatever you do
Put yourself last and spell joy.

(can you believe I still remember that -- wow, my memory amazes even me).

So, I grew up believing that this was the formula and any time that I start to think about myself and what I needed I felt some shame. I reminded myself, “it’s not about me” and I squelched those feelings.

And then, as I have blogged before, over the past year I sort of had a “mid-life crisis” where I started to evaluate everything. And I realized that maybe, if I was going to do a good job of caring for other people, I needed to think a little more about me and what I needed and how not getting what I needed was affecting the people around me.

When we went to Arizona a couple weeks ago, I listened for the hundredth time the words “Please put on your own oxygen mask first” and realized that maybe my priorities were slightly out of wack when it came to caring for my own family. Maybe if I was taking care of me, I would be better prepared and equipped to take care of others.

If I get up, go to the Y like I did today, have a glass of ice water, shower, and sit down to my computer for a while to gather my thoughts before the kids get up, I am a much better parent. If I am feeling better physically, I am a better parent. If I am taking time to do things I enjoy once and a while, I’m a better wife and mother. Before I used the reasoning, “My kids need me, I don’t have time to .... work out .... fix healthy stuff to eat .... go out to lunch with a friend... get to know someone new ... read a book .... rent a movie just for me. But now I’m finding it works different.

While I still believe that when it comes to a lot of things, the Jesus, Others and You priority system is accurate. My kids needs often come before my own. But if I take it too far to where I completely ignore what I need and want, then I become resentful.

How many of us as adoptive moms (or dads) start to feel like martyrs when we put others first all the time. Have you ever walked through the house muttering to yourself, ”There isn’t a single other person in this HOUSE who can pick up socks on the floor“ or ”if I have to put away the milk ONE MORE TIME“ or ”doesn’t anybody ever think about how I feel?“ I used to catch myself feeling those ”poor me feelings“ often.

Putting myself first sometimes allows me to not get caught up in the martyr complex. And it helps me to have the strength, building on past success, to come up with a plan of how I might just be able to teach some of this not-so-old dogs some new tricks -- like how to put away the milk or pick up their socks.

Maybe I’m still not at the right balance with this, but I definitely believe that especially in times of stress, it’s my oxygen mask that has to go on first, or none of us will survive.