I'm not sure if adoptive parents of kids with special needs (Third Degree Parents as we have started calling ourselves) eventually get to the point where we can't muster up enough energy to be as upset as we used to be. I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing. I'm sure my emotional intensity after every mistake didn't help my older kids when I was back in my "determined to fix them" stage, but I think now I may be so numb that I'm not responding intensely enough. It's a hard balance to find.
Last night I was up until 3, trying to iron out who did what. I have two kinds of kids living with me. There are those who care primarily for themselves and will say or do anything they need to to manipulate the people around them. Truth, somehow, has become completely insignificant, and the only desired outcome is getting what they want, protecting themselves, etc. However, I do have a few children who I feel are attached to me and who would place our relationship over their own self interest. They tell the truth, regardless, and it does matter to me.
Last night there were several people involved in a situation and I have one from each of those camps telling me their version of the story. Except that I know that the one with a conscience is lying and I can assume that the one without one is. I want to know what happened -- not because I am even all that into seriously consequencing the behavior, but because I want to know if the one who I thought had a conscience really has joined the ranks of the other side -- the side where selfishness trumps relationship and people are an ends to their means.
Going over details again and again in my mind last night left me with few hours of sleep and I woke up late, giving up a couple of my blessed hours of quiet when I can work. And then Dominyk shattered my silence with a full blown meltdown again this morning. He literally greeted me, with his eyes barely open, with the words "I'm bored" and then began his "I'm itchy" fit. It's long and exhausting on a good day, but today, when I was tired, I had to really bite my tongue to respond to him patiently.
Attachment disorder is an ugly ugly thing. It robs people of those things that most of us have deep in our souls -- that we take for granted. It robs people of their self worth and the healing process is very lengthy.
And this morning I'm weary, because attachment disorder affects the people around the person as well.
And finally, I'm feeling embarrassed for even feeling bad about all this, because other people have it so much worse. We don't have anyone being violent (except for the normal things, like Tony punching a whole through his wall yesterday), and for the most part, I feel safe. Nobody has mental health issues that are keeping them from living at home, and CPS is not involved in our lives.
And that puts us way way up on the quality of life ladder from a lot of families like ours.
So I will attempt to be as grateful as I can.
And today, I need to know the truth. Who bought the stupid cigarettes isn't the issue. The issue is do I have one pathological liar, or two?