Mike is safe and secure in lock down detention until Monday morning. Then we’ll see what happens. He made it very clear that he did not want a call or a visit from us when he arrived at the kids jail.
I spent some time reading most of Nancy Spoolstra's Story, When to Hold and When to Fold. I wanted to read this because it is a question I ask myself about Mike every hour or two. Do we back off emotionally and let him have what he thinks he wants, a life free of parents asking for a connection, or do we fight to convince him, to no avail, that we are the loving connection he needs. Unfortunately, I feel that the latter is proving to be a waste of time.
I will still write to him weekly reminding him that he is still a part of our family and that we still love him. I will send him catalogs and magazines that I have ordered for him. But if he is refusing our calls and visits, it is difficult to make ourselves make the trip to be mistreated.
The weird thing about Reactive Attachment Disorder is that most people, I’m sure, would be asking, “What did you DO to this kid to make him hate you so much?” Well, we provided him a loving, stable home when nobody else would. We forgave him year after year as he robbed us blind, ruined our stuff, took advantage of his siblings, manipulated us, lied to us, worried about him many nights as he ran away, picked up him at the police station time and again, drove around looking for him hundreds of times when he was missing. We bought him Christmas and birthday presents that were never good enough, purchased clothing for him to rip, write on and give away, gave him his own room so he could write on the hard wood floor in permanent marker, bought him new furniture to break, attended countless meetings, staffings and hearings and spent 10 months making our weekends revolve around him and a two hour visit complete with snacks.
And in return after all that we get a kid who is refusing to see us or speak to us who is building his criminal record as we speak.
So, what is the answer to the question? When do you hold and when do you fold? When is enough enough?
2 comments:
If Mike is old enough, chronologically and developmentally, to be able to make his own decisions, then I think continuing to remind him that you are there when he chooses you, and that you love him unconditionally, is the best response right now. Your anguish about him is evident. I wish you and him the best.
I was thinking about this, and my thought was that even if I pushed my parents away, and said don't come, I don't want to talk to you, or see you, deep down I would hope they would still call, still come see me, still care about me. But at the same time, I don't have something telling me not to care about what my family thinks. I know that my parents would be there or calling every day, if they could.
I remember a couple of years ago when I had to have emergency surgery 2 days before Christmas. I called my mother right before they took me to surgery, but it my pain-induced foggy mind I didn't expect they would come.
When I came to, I remember seeing our preacher off to the side, wondering how he knew to come. And then a little while later my mom comes rushing in (it was really about 4 hours later), and I think I said "You didn't have to come. I'm OK." And she just looked at me and said "no you're not!" And then I thought she disappeared, and I thought I had chased her off. I had actually fallen back to sleep, and she was in the hall.
My point to this was that I might not want them there, but they are gong to be there. Your son might not want you there, but I think deep down, underneath the fog of all he's going through, he's glad for the calls and the mail.
But that's just my .02 cents. I have no experience in any of that that ya'll are going through, or that he is going through.
Post a Comment