and the Day that Will Never End

Sometimes we ask ourselves, “is it always this bad?” and we can’t really answer the question as to whether or not it is, because when we are in the middle of it, it probably seems worse than it is. Or maybe not.

But today and tonight.... WOW. The most recent chapter in the never ending drama with Salinda began around 3:45 when i came home to find out that she had told Bart she was leaving and going somewhere. Of course, that isn’t where she ended up. And she skipped youth group. And she lied to me several times tonight. And she is refusing to speak to me. Which of course, at this point, I’m not so disappointed about.

Fortunately, i think i have found her a babysitting job which may give her some money, hopefully to use to pay me back. But it involves some sacrifices on my part.

Tony is currently finishing up the worst meltdown I have ever seen him have. He is over tired and thus has very little ability to control himself. He didn’t get his way, and it just pushed him over the ege. The meltdown was getting so bad that Bart decided we needed to document it on video...

I really would like to go to bed. I’m supposed to go to the Y in the morning for the first time in a week and I will need sleep.

Salinda has to work her next set of “juvenile work crew hours” starting tomorrow, so at least I’ll have that break. And hopefully she will figure out the right way to get what she wants instead of the constant battles, lies, and manipulation.

But I am determined to “rise above.” The only TV show that I watch regularly is Grey’s Anatomy and there was a powerful scene when Dr. Bailey (if you follow the show, you know she is a very tough African American woman and an excellent surgeon) is forced to operate on a man who has a swatstika tatooed on his abdomen. He made it very clear before he went into surgery that he only wanted a white doctor. There is nobody else to do it, so she has to perform the surgery and save his life.

She kept repeating to herself, “I’m gonna rise above.” And there is a seen right before the operation where she says, “Jesus, I don’t call on you often, but I’m gonna need you today if I’m gonna rise above.”

It isn’t just the Salinda piece, or the fact that Tony is out of control. It isn’t just that Rand refuses to do anything I ask even though he is pushing 20 and living here rent free. It isn’t that Leon and Ricardo have been sneakingly disobedient and face consequences. It isn’t just that Dominyk’s obsession for money and pop keeps him begging incessantly for hours at a time. It’s ALL of those things combined with the added drama and unsettling emotion of transition from the school year to summer. And the fact that I’m coming back to over 100 emails that need action, that my husband is going back to work, and that I will be living without the support system that I created for myself (can’t exactly spend time talking to friends or even coworkers when I am trying to parent 9 children and drowning in email).

But this really isn’t a pity party. Because I am determined to “rise above” and even though there were moments today where I was convinced that I would NOT be able to make myself get up tomorrow to face the day, I know that I will.... and I will survive. It just might not be a fun experience.