Control Freaks

This picture fits with this post because Tony has ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) and this was taken within a minute of when I said, “you need to give me back my Iphone right now.

A lot of people are control freaks. Our kids can especially be. They have had to be hyper vigilant, often caring for younger siblings, living a life where they have had to be super resourceful to find food, to escape abuse, to hide from perpetrators, and the list goes on.

And so they become all about control. Their favorite thing to do is to control our moods. If they can, at the age of 2 or 3 or 12 or 13, do or say one thing that makes us have a fit, how FUN is that? And so, wanting to be in control, they control us. If they can. And oh so many days, I let them. Sad for me to admit.

Very small children can control very few things. But a couple things they can control are what goes into their bodies and what comes out of it. And those two things -- food issues and poop/pee issues are things that typically send us spinning completely out of control.

I remember when one of our kids came to us at the age of 11 with major food issues. I thought, “oh brother, i have major food issues, who cares?” UNTIL I had made a pan of brownies for snack and they were gone before anyone else got one. And then, there was the major blow up I had back during one of my unsuccessful Atkins diets where I was eating no carbs and made this huge batch of sugar free crustless cheesecake. He ate the whole bowl in one night that was supposed to last me 2 weeks. (It was 90% cream cheese -- I bet he was constipated for days). But did I just smile at him and say, “oh honey, i know you have food issues, it’s OK?” Heck no. I found the empty bowl and had, what I believe is referred to in professional journals, as a “Hissy Fit.”

Fortunately we only have one poop smearer and another with enuresis, but there are intentional poopers and pee-ers all over the world of adopted children. Why? Because they CAN. It’s one thing they can control. And so they do. They can control where they put their poop and pee and oh wow -- yippee-- if they put it in the wrong place at the wrong time, adults have a major fit. And they win. And they like that.

One of the things that I have learned about Oppositional Defiance Disorder is that there is NOTHING more important than controlling the mood of whoever is in authority. It goes beyond any consequence, any promise of rewards or threats of punishment. It’s a very difficult thing to parent, especially if the parent is a control freak like me.

I mention all this because I have noticed a real emotional and spiritual difference in myself since I started controlling what I put into my mouth. (I think I will refrain from changing anything about my bladder or bowels in my efforts to get my life back -- so I’m focusing on what goes in instead).

Being able to say “No” to a bag of chips is just so empowering. Doing what I need to do in regards to eating makes me be able to say “Wow, I am in control of ME.” And that feels good.

So it works both ways. Children want to control us. And if we feel like we are in control of ourselves, we can control our reactions to them.

So what is the point? Why does it matter if we can control ourselves enough so that they can’t control us?

If they are in control they don’t feel safe. That’s why.

I know I’m rambling on here, but this is a real key I think to parenting ... especially tough kids. I have to control me. And if I can control me, then they can’t. And if they can’t, then they can trust me.

Simple.

I have a long ways to go in this area, which is unfortunate since I’ve been parenting for almost 12 years. But I’m getting there, just like with everything else, one day at a time.